Saturday, September 29, 2012

i did nothing with my life today.

and at first i hated it.
but then i remembered
that this is the type of
thing that i wish for
when my homework
is piling sky high.
so i'm okay with it now.
and i had ice cream at dinner.
and it was chicken-strips
night, too.
those two things were

so, i'm in for the night,
and planning on staying
in all day tomorrow, too.
hooray for nothingness!
maybe i'll read a book
that i've been meaning
to read. or maybe i'll
even get myself out
and walking over to
one of the local coffee
i'm really trying to love
you, sundays. really.
but you're so long and
you make me miss jules,
and od's, and barnes,
and walks, and home.

the end.

p.s. i really
want to make a blanket
fort, and crawl in and
read a good book, and
forget everything and
almost everyone.

maybe in december.

Friday, September 28, 2012

a second post because i'm procrastinating studying for my monday midterm.

i want to live in songs and in videos like this.
the end.

missing home today.

i miss...

1. saturday morning puffed pancakes and crepes.

2. driving! god only knows how much i miss just getting in my
car and leaving.

3. thursday date night. julia and i always found something
strange to get ourselves into.

4. how my room looks when the sun is setting...thank goodness
for having a huge window to let all of that pretty light in.

5. my record player and my typewriter. so many songs and so many
stories are going to waste because they're absent in my life.

6. playing the piano. i used to play only when no one was home.

7. crafts! oh how i miss you, michaels, and all of your d.i.y. friendliness!

8. target. oh my.

9. barnes and noble, this long distance relationship is not working.
i just might cry the next time i am able to lose myself in the fiction
and literature section.

10. walks and jogs that i took every evening. definitely fearing that freshman
fifteen, over here. ;)

11. ethan. yes, i miss fighting with my brother. and if he tackles me the moment i
get home, i think i might be perfectly happy.

12. in n out. every. single. day.

13. the sound of my tea kettle. fountain water and the microwave just dont do the trick.

14. that candy shop in morgan hill. it was just another wonderful excuse to act like a five year old... :)

15. has been too long since i have purchased a book or clothing!

16. eating cereal at favorite.

17. earl grey lattes or iced green teas from starbucks.

18. yoghart. sooo yummy.

19. carrie bradshaw. yes, mom, i am posting on my blog that i miss my sex & the city.

20. the clouds on my ceiling...i miss them indeed.

but mostly i miss,
mom & dad, ethan & ed, julia & geeg, aunty kathy & lu, nana & papa, uncle jeff & courtney, grandma & the dooleys, the eilers & the mckinleys, ian & emma, caitin & zoe... 
and little miss allison, you still have my heart. promise.

i can't wait to see home...
i cant believe it's already been seven weeks since this day.
i love how time flies.
this is my best friend.
she was trying to make me laugh, i think,
which i suppose wasn't the best idea since i had
gotten my wisdom teeth pulled this day...


Thursday, September 27, 2012

instead of ten things thursday, here's one thing.

here's to you, dad.
you're my favorite.
this song came on and it reminded me of you.
love you, and thanks for getting me to where i'm at today.

at the top of my list of books to buy...

good reviews or not,
i want to read this.
it's been ages since i last bought a book...
...or since i last had the moment to even read something 
for leisure...or something that wasn't academic related for that matter...
...or something that i actually enjoy!
i might be having withdrawals.
i stare at my little stack of books that i brought with me..
bridget jones diary,
ethan frome,
heart of darkness,
notes from the underground,
collected oscar wilde,
and the hunchback of notre dame.

you all deserve to be read, i just need to find time!

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

here's to the ghosts that we knew.

i fell in love with mumford and sons when i fell in love.
i've therefore avoided their music for quite some time.
just kind of painful, you know?
when someone that you love is yelling at you and saying hateful things...
yet there's a beautiful song playing in the background.
just takes me back to those moments.
every single time.
music does that. sometimes for the good, and sometimes
for the bad.

mumford and sons has a new album, though.
it's ironic to me that it comes out just as everything is looking up.
i've been soooo excited to hear the songs.
and so i did this morning, i looked some of them up and listened.
i kind of teared up. just a little.
but refused to cry.
i know that maybe it makes no sense to you and probably sounds dramatic or whatever,
but to me it makes perfect sense. i'm the one with the memories.
and certain things trigger them more than others.
marcus mumford's beautiful voice, for instance, takes me back to
a bad time in my life. but, the songs are beautiful nonetheless,
and so is today. and so is life.
and i'm just happy that i have another excuse to buy music
for my record player.

Monday, September 24, 2012

i like this place. because it's mine, and no longer yours.

{george fox is beautiful all day long}

and some day my place is going to look like this.

i saw this and loved it. the end.

{p.s. i spy the king of limbs}

i should be

studying for two exams that i have...TWO.
but instead, i am online shopping {wishing}
and stuffing my face with the last of the homemade pumpkin bread
that my grandma baked for me.
so bad for me, yet sooo yummy.
it reminds me that fall is here...and the days are slowly starting to
prove that.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

bits+pieces from instagram.

1. coming from dinner at the "bon."
2. faces painted to show hms pride. gotta love that feeling of a high school rally.
3. my new friend. he loves christmas, the office, and jesus. all wonderful things to love.
4. my grocery shopping bag...too bad i have too many groceries to really hold everything.
5. a drawing left in my envelope by one of the girls.
6. college meals. they just become more and more assorted and strange.
7. ice cream & a flower from the bon.
8. i love this.
9. it rained on thursday. such a good day.
10. torn between math homework and mr. wilde. obviously, oscar should win.
11. jake's bible today at the coffee cat. bibles are so photogenic.
12. coffee cat chai. how i love me a good chai.


Saturday, September 22, 2012

not much chance for survival, if the neon bible is true.

can i just see them live already?
i loooove you, win butler.
{bucket list}
you're wonderful, arcade fire.
definitely keeping me sane while i study for this bible test.
i love these two most:

p.s. sometimes i like to post songs i love.
just because.

Friday, September 21, 2012

in rainbows.

you're one of my all time fave's.
just sayin'.
cloudy days like this, and the album in rainbows
makes me miss my record player so much.
{it was one of those records that i let play over and
over because i love it so much.}
but i'll be home just in time to buy some
christmas albums and play them obsessively, of course. ;)

Thursday, September 20, 2012

ten things that were great today.

one. i just kind of let go...of all of my stress. and it felt wonderful.

two. we watched a silent film in lit. class today, and i dont care who
         finds that lame because i looove old movies.

three. today was cold! and i got to wear a beanie. and keep a jacket on allll day. 
          i love you, gloomy weather. you make me smile.

four. i JUST realized that i have an assignment due at midnight. so, for the past fifteen minutes, i 
        threw together a personal reflection...yep, i am that good of a student.

five. i have this new friend. and he's really cool to hang out with. he's teaching me how to laugh 
        at myself again. which is awesome.

six. according to my new music is legal in ten days!...ten days, everybody!

seven. in-n-out burger. it's great in my tummy. not so great that it's seven hours away!

eight. tomorrow's friday. god knew that i needed this to be a quick week. 

nine. i was "yelling" at my mom over text today...and she simply responded with, "chill out." 
         i laughed out loud and had to show the people that were with me. mom always makes me laugh.

ten. these pictures that were used in our family floor time tonight. i wanted to keep all of them and put    
       them into some great collage on a giant wall. love me some random pictures.

"sweet nightmares", everyone. 

i opened my blinds, and what did i see?

oregon's grey skies were smiling at me.

so the cold hasn't come just yet...but this morning is dark enough and chilly enough
to pretend that it's no longer september, but more like november.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

i love you, pinterest.

and i love you, picture.
so sweet. and so awesome. all in one.
i saw this and just had to share...

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

i think i'm finally getting it.

i finally feel as though i am grasping this whole college thing.
and guess what?
i really, really do.
i can finally see that i am coming to the place in my life that
i never assumed i'd get to, but deep down hoped and prayed for.

this past week, especially, has been a time where i have started to really
just let go of everything that's been stored inside of me for the past year.
and letting go feels so wonderful.
i used to wonder what september, and october, and november, and december 
would look like, and now that i am in the midst of them, i cannot believe
how far i have come.
honestly, i knew that healing was possible and everyone kept telling me that
it would come someday, but most of the time i couldn't comprehend what someday
even meant.
i grew tired of feeling like today wasn't the day to feel normal again.
i wanted madison back, even more than i had wanted my past back.
but being here at school has prioritized so much of my life.
and it has most importantly prioritized who i am inside.

i know what i want, and i'm proud of it.
and feeling as though no one can stop me anymore
is so freeing.
i mean this in the most humble way, due to the fact that i have gotten to where
i am now because god had to humble me, 
but, i now realize that i was one of the lucky ones. 
i saw the error, as my dad has reminded me over and over,
and i ran.
i looked back so many times, and yet i never slowed my pace.

now, my pace has brought me here.
and here is so amazing.
sure, i'm still adjusting to this new chapter in life,
but i am finally realizing that god's plan was so much safer, and healthier, and greater
than the plan i had thought was in store for me.

school is hard. and right now i have so much work to be doing.
i've honestly never worked so hard in school as i have this past week.
but i am loving every assignment and how i feel they challenge me.
only more is to come.
soooo excited :)


Sunday, September 16, 2012

i like a boy.

and i barely even i'm just getting to know him.
but i like him nonetheless.
you know when you meet 
someone that is just genuinely a great person?
he's genuinely a great person.
and clever. very clever.
i swear i feel like i look like this every single time i'm around him.

i probably shouldn't have said any of this on here...but oh well..


currently on the bucket list.

i really want to take some sort of "trek" in my life.
more than one would be awesome!
but even if i could do just one challenging & beautiful journey
at some point in time, then it would be the experience of a life time.
one of
would be amazing.
and i've always wanted to take a trek in new zealand.
make it official...this is on the bucket list!

Saturday, September 15, 2012

i just wanted to say...

that i am so happy right now.
super happy.
like, let's do a happy dance, happy.
or, i'm eating so much cookie dough right now, happy.
like, i made a cup of tea, happy.
i have a stupid look on my face.
i do. 
ask katie.
and i won't say why.

i'm falling in love with you, portland.

i have but one exception for ever moving back to california 
{besides for family reasons, of course}
and that is if i ever had the opportunity to live in san francisco.
but even that is pushing it.
i am officially smitten with the idea of other cities.
the possibilities of places where i could potentially end up someday
are as endless as my bucket list.

Friday, September 14, 2012

learn. eat. move.

sounds a lot like my life right now.
because it feels as though all i do is learn and eat and move...walk. walk. walk up that "canyon."
but for now, my learn-eat-move isn't nearly as cool as rick's...
but college is the foundation that will make
my future this cool.
i was inspired by all of these.
i love how curious he is!
very bucket-list-styled...
and all of those places he traveled to!
i can't wait to eat new things.
and learn new things.
and to move...
....and move some more...
and to be inspired by other people, always.

i love to stumble. i really, really do.

for those of you who don't know what is,
it's a website that allows you to access other websites according to your
interests with one click of the stumble button.
it's super addictive...for me anyways, especially
the travel, fashion, and indie interests!
anyhoo, i stumbled upon this yesterday and 

you can bet that this girl has had this playing this morning.

{beirut, the black keys, mason vs. princess, radiohead, lana del rey, bon iver,
and soooo many of my favorites were on the mix tapes. definitely considering
that website a favorite}


Thursday, September 13, 2012

i'm really trying to love today.

although it feels like today is trying even harder to dislike me.
you know those days where the littlest thing triggers the
rest of your day to feel like it all just...excuse me...

i had that today.
it was one little, tiny, insignificant thing that
sent the dominoes of my day falling in a row.
and they haven't stopped falling since.

it's weird having bad days here at school because
when i used to have bad days, i looked forward
to the comfort of home and the escape of school
by three o'clock.
here, there's nowhere to go really.

there's a lot of things i've been working on lately,
and i know that this is just a season in my life,
but it's been a rather difficult season due to how
difficult my previous season was.
and sometimes, like now, i'd love to just crawl in bed
and forget the world for a while.

at least today is thursday...which totally calls for a ten things thursday.
today, as much as i dislike you, i still have managed to love a few things. breakfast without milk. for lunch with milk. and at dinner, in my peanut
butter and jelly sandwich.

polka dots. always.

how, towards the end of literature class, i always hear
someone playing the piano. i love pianos.

words. words. words.

cough drops. oh, how i have loved you these past few days
with my allergies and all.

the sound of all the girls on the floor towards the end of the night.
we're usually all "home" by then, and it's comforting to know
that there's always someone across the way.

how i am becoming less and less of a neat freak...what is happening to me?!

how i can never figure out how to walk up the stairs here at fox.
they're so uneven. and they do make the walk to and from very interesting.

the fact that i have an interview in a couple of hours for a barista position.
{fingers crossed!}

letters. seeing them in my little box makes me a happy girl.

{i'm praying that things start looking up today. fingers crossed!}


Wednesday, September 12, 2012

today sounded like this and looked like this...

and we weren't even in california!

i did it.

i online shopped.
and i liked it.

after all the work i've been doing
& especially since i need a coat to
take on the upcoming oregon rain,
i splurged and treated myself to some
lovely ruche.
i needed something with a hood,
something that would last me a while,
and something that was different, and would
go with everything.
this. was. perfect.

and then mom called and said that she
found THIS at the store {remember i
mentioned this here?}...and so my
dorm room will be getting a bit of a
fall touch...
it's almost fall, guys! how awesome is that?!
i'll be humming christmas songs like crazy
very, very soon. just you wait. ;)

ohh, and i know that it's one of my
rules not to talk about boys on this blog,
but remember that cute boy in my class
that i told you about? know, the
one that makes me nervous?

well, he still makes me nervous! but
i kind of...sort this boy...i do.
yep, it's a miracle!
and it's especially a miracle that
each time i've been with him, something
embarrassing manages to happen to me
and yet he just politely smiles or makes
a clever remark...but hey, embarrassing moments
are some of my favorites so he's just going to
have to get used to this girl over here!

{not the best view of campus, but this was after class last night. i am in love with this campus. and i know that i will fall more and more in love with oregon as the years go and as i do more exploring. i'm never coming back to live in california, you guys. i just can't see it happening. sorry, mom!}


Tuesday, September 11, 2012

i. hate. the. gym.

i hate hate hate the gym!
any gym and every gym!
they scare me.
no, not because there's "cute guys there."
i say this because everyone i've told this to assumes that
i'm concerned about cute boys.
i'm literally just intimidated by the concept of the gym.

i miss walking...and sometimes jogging...back at home.
i miss the neighborhoods.
that treacherous mantelli hill.
the levy.
i miss plugging in my ipod and just feeling good at the end of my day.

i used to walk allllll of the time.
it was my one hour stress relief at the end of the day,
and my excuse to indulge in sweets.

now, i think i'm going crazy without any exercise in my life!
and to top that off, in the class i was just in, they discussed
the importance of a balanced diet and plenty of exercise in college.
how is that possible?!
someone, please, answer this question.

anyhooooo, tonight i have studying, and as much
as i would loooove to face my fear of the gym
and go with some people, i think that being studious is my route for the night.
especially since i'm getting sick!
i know... *cough cough*
i have a sore throat.
good thing my amazing mama packed me plenty of my favorite
cough drops!

well isn't she the cutest thing.

my friend katie just showed this video to me and some
friends and we thought that this little girl was so funny and oh so adorable.
don't you?
i just love her charisma while telling a story!

Monday, September 10, 2012

and this is the first and last i have to say about that.

okay guys, i'm going to get honest here
but only because i completely trust you
and because all i've ever gotten from this blog
is positive feedback.

i started blogging as a way to see life the way
i used to see life prior to a relationship that i had been in.
my first journal dates back to the age of six...
so i've been writing for a good twelve years now.
and i love it. always have and i always will.
when i first came across some of the blogs that inspired me
and reminded me of myself, it was during a period in my life
when i had lost a lot of people that i loved.
they didn't pass away or anything like that.
but they were, by choice, no longer in my life.
losing each and everyone of them was horrible
and to this day {especially today} it hurts.
one of the primary reasons why i lost these people
was due to my decision to pursue an education.
i had always wanted to move far away and attend university,
but when these people came into my life, i began to believe
that i didn't need to pursue university...and eventually, i found
myself disregarding the very hopes and dreams that god had placed on my heart.

i knew that i was supposed to be a missionary when i was ten years old.
don't ask me how i knew, because i just knew.
it was that simple.
i remember the day, how i felt, what i thought...
and i never forgot.

when i was a freshman in high school, i felt called
to ethiopia. i remember that day too, it was a cold, fall day.
and i remember how i felt, and what i thought.
don't ask me why, because i just knew.

my sophomore year i went on a "missions" trip to los angeles.
not too far from home, but far enough to see somethings that i have never seen before.
i visited the los angeles dream center, and from then on i had a perfect image
of what god had placed on my heart. not only did i feel called to the mission
field, but i felt called to be a leader on the mission field.
that is where the dream of a school...and now, many schools, originated from.
the images of this dream have never left me and it has been more than two
years now.

and about a year or two ago, i also felt called to romania.
once more, i just knew.

the children of these two nations in particular is where my heart
and my interest lay. it took me quite a bit of time {years, literally}
to fit pieces together. and i still have many other pieces to find and a whole
lot of prayer to do before any of this is even possible.

one of the reasons why i never told anybody about this calling of
mine was because i was so scared that if i said anything, then
this was what would be expected of me. i suppose that saying it
made it that much more real.
and to be quite honest, i haven't always been the happiest person
in the world about this.
i've tried running, and forgetting, and running some more.

in fact, for those of you who do know me, and know me very well,
then you will know what i mean when i say i spent all last summer up until about
six months ago...maybe even less...running.
running from god. this calling. college.
but he never let go. even when i did. and i did quite a few times.
but, those children in those places always managed to keep me grounded.
friends of mine would ask why i didn't "party" or whatnot
and i always told them it was because my life was obligated to somebody all of the children i feel called to help.

so november 16th, 2011 rolled around, and still, i felt obligated
to somebody else. and i made the decision to choose college
and a different future.
i chose to follow god's plan for my life, not because i felt
he wanted me to, but because i knew that deep down
i  wanted to.

these past ten months have been so difficult and challenging
for me. but, let me make it clear that i know that everyone has
trials. trials that surpass mine entirely.

so here i am, a college student.
every day i realize a little bit more that i am supposed to be here.
and i totally want to be here! this place is amazing, you guys have no idea.
but my one real struggle always comes down to the reality of the path that i have chosen.
prior to now, i was made to believe that choosing college would lead me nowhere, that
i would never fall in love again, or be successful, or strong enough to even get here...
such silly thoughts, but i believed them up until a couple of weeks ago.
and yet i still came. i came because eight years ago, god showed me a plan
and over the years he added destinations, and faces, and experiences, and dreams
to it.
and i need to see for certain if that plan is something that will grow into a reality.
i have no idea what is going to happen. and i worry everyday about
doing something to mess everything up, especially since i jeopardized
everything this past year. my mom told me last night that they almost lost
me. and that reality makes me that much more determined to work hard.

and so, i am going to state my calling loud and clear because i
can and because i want to...and because today, in class, someone
asked me my major and what i wanted to do with it and i felt proud
to say what i wanted to be and what i wanted to do.

one day, my dream is to build schools in other nations.
but not just a school for kids to come an learn, but
a place for them to see the world differently. to have a safe place.
somewhere to live, and eat, and recover.
because my heart especially goes out to young girls who are victims
of human trafficking and prostitution.
i envision a place where they can come and receive
medical care, counseling, and an education.
i'd also love for their recovery process to have to do
with art, such as drawing, painting, writing, creating...

i always want to see life though the eyes of others.
never just my own. a friend of mine once said,
i never want to be comfortable. so i've kind of adopted that,
because i love it.
all of last year i was so caught up in seeing my life
through the lenses of people who did not have my best interest
at heart. i wanted to be comfortable.
but, who wants comfort, you know?
i think i much rather prefer a wonderful adventure,
one with no regrets.

thank you for listening.
such a long post,
but, guess what?
it's my blog and i can post long
posts if i please!


monday morning.

i woke up feeling the pangs of a broken heart today,
and so what better way to help a heart out than with
a book.
i don't ever bring this aspect of my life onto the blog
because it's personal and because this blog is meant
to be a happy place. but i thought i'd share this poem that
was marked in one of my books today.
i don't recall ever marking but i am so glad that it was
because it felt as though it was just waiting to be read, especially
on a morning like today.
it's the best feeling in the world when an author says for you
exactly the words that you can't even say.

Well, I Have Lost You
Edna St. Vincent Millay

Well, I have lost you; and I lost you fairly;
In my own way, and with my full consent.
Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarely
Went to their deaths more proud than this one went.
Some nights of apprehension and hot weeping
I will confess, but that's permitted me;
Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keeping
Rubbed in a cage a wing that would be free.
If I had loved you less or played you slyly
I might have held you for a summer more,
But as the cost of words I value highly,
And no such summer as the one before.
Should I outlive this anguish-and men do-
I shall have only good things to say of you.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

so i have this friend named katie.

and today when i was feeling really, really sad
she was there for me.
she's awesome.
not many people are that awesome.

look at how awesome we are together.
we looooooove silly pictures.

i believe that the silliest pictures are the best ones around.

the end.

dear mulberry,

i just needed to say that i am in LOVE with your fall/winter 2012 ad campaign.
and i'm not just saying this because i love fashion,
or because i love whimsical things,
or because i absolutely love maurice sendak.
{and this totally reminds me of maurice sendak}

whatever did inspire this is brilliant.
i wish i could have been the model on this set.
so fun!

Saturday, September 8, 2012

i want to live in this movie.

all of the time.

i came to the conclusion that i see life
like a scene in a movie...or a novel.
it doesn't matter what is going on with or around me,
in my mind i always envision a pen and paper at work
like one giant script.
i have an overactive imagination.
so today this imagination of mine wanted to play "house" in ikea.
find a secret spot.
draw a city on a huge chalk board.
take a drive listening to the smiths.
see a black and white film.
or just be lazy with someone whom i dearly love.

that's all i wanted today.
but at least i had regina. :)

a few other things that i love lately...

this PILLOW! 
it's from pier 1 and i am in love with it.


and oh my god.
look at these pieces of wall art.
i am really in love this time, you guys.
i want each of these.
they're by thomas hughes & i saw them here.

oh and can you believe this chair!
i need my own house.
so i can fill it with lovely things.
and have adventures in ikea.
or other make-believe-house stores!

okay, bye!