Monday, September 10, 2012

and this is the first and last i have to say about that.

okay guys, i'm going to get honest here
but only because i completely trust you
and because all i've ever gotten from this blog
is positive feedback.

i started blogging as a way to see life the way
i used to see life prior to a relationship that i had been in.
my first journal dates back to the age of six...
so i've been writing for a good twelve years now.
and i love it. always have and i always will.
when i first came across some of the blogs that inspired me
and reminded me of myself, it was during a period in my life
when i had lost a lot of people that i loved.
they didn't pass away or anything like that.
but they were, by choice, no longer in my life.
losing each and everyone of them was horrible
and to this day {especially today} it hurts.
one of the primary reasons why i lost these people
was due to my decision to pursue an education.
i had always wanted to move far away and attend university,
but when these people came into my life, i began to believe
that i didn't need to pursue university...and eventually, i found
myself disregarding the very hopes and dreams that god had placed on my heart.

i knew that i was supposed to be a missionary when i was ten years old.
don't ask me how i knew, because i just knew.
it was that simple.
i remember the day, how i felt, what i thought...
and i never forgot.

when i was a freshman in high school, i felt called
to ethiopia. i remember that day too, it was a cold, fall day.
and i remember how i felt, and what i thought.
don't ask me why, because i just knew.

my sophomore year i went on a "missions" trip to los angeles.
not too far from home, but far enough to see somethings that i have never seen before.
i visited the los angeles dream center, and from then on i had a perfect image
of what god had placed on my heart. not only did i feel called to the mission
field, but i felt called to be a leader on the mission field.
that is where the dream of a school...and now, many schools, originated from.
the images of this dream have never left me and it has been more than two
years now.

and about a year or two ago, i also felt called to romania.
once more, i just knew.

the children of these two nations in particular is where my heart
and my interest lay. it took me quite a bit of time {years, literally}
to fit pieces together. and i still have many other pieces to find and a whole
lot of prayer to do before any of this is even possible.

one of the reasons why i never told anybody about this calling of
mine was because i was so scared that if i said anything, then
this was what would be expected of me. i suppose that saying it
made it that much more real.
and to be quite honest, i haven't always been the happiest person
in the world about this.
i've tried running, and forgetting, and running some more.

in fact, for those of you who do know me, and know me very well,
then you will know what i mean when i say i spent all last summer up until about
six months ago...maybe even less...running.
running from god. this calling. college.
but he never let go. even when i did. and i did quite a few times.
but, those children in those places always managed to keep me grounded.
friends of mine would ask why i didn't "party" or whatnot
and i always told them it was because my life was obligated to somebody all of the children i feel called to help.

so november 16th, 2011 rolled around, and still, i felt obligated
to somebody else. and i made the decision to choose college
and a different future.
i chose to follow god's plan for my life, not because i felt
he wanted me to, but because i knew that deep down
i  wanted to.

these past ten months have been so difficult and challenging
for me. but, let me make it clear that i know that everyone has
trials. trials that surpass mine entirely.

so here i am, a college student.
every day i realize a little bit more that i am supposed to be here.
and i totally want to be here! this place is amazing, you guys have no idea.
but my one real struggle always comes down to the reality of the path that i have chosen.
prior to now, i was made to believe that choosing college would lead me nowhere, that
i would never fall in love again, or be successful, or strong enough to even get here...
such silly thoughts, but i believed them up until a couple of weeks ago.
and yet i still came. i came because eight years ago, god showed me a plan
and over the years he added destinations, and faces, and experiences, and dreams
to it.
and i need to see for certain if that plan is something that will grow into a reality.
i have no idea what is going to happen. and i worry everyday about
doing something to mess everything up, especially since i jeopardized
everything this past year. my mom told me last night that they almost lost
me. and that reality makes me that much more determined to work hard.

and so, i am going to state my calling loud and clear because i
can and because i want to...and because today, in class, someone
asked me my major and what i wanted to do with it and i felt proud
to say what i wanted to be and what i wanted to do.

one day, my dream is to build schools in other nations.
but not just a school for kids to come an learn, but
a place for them to see the world differently. to have a safe place.
somewhere to live, and eat, and recover.
because my heart especially goes out to young girls who are victims
of human trafficking and prostitution.
i envision a place where they can come and receive
medical care, counseling, and an education.
i'd also love for their recovery process to have to do
with art, such as drawing, painting, writing, creating...

i always want to see life though the eyes of others.
never just my own. a friend of mine once said,
i never want to be comfortable. so i've kind of adopted that,
because i love it.
all of last year i was so caught up in seeing my life
through the lenses of people who did not have my best interest
at heart. i wanted to be comfortable.
but, who wants comfort, you know?
i think i much rather prefer a wonderful adventure,
one with no regrets.

thank you for listening.
such a long post,
but, guess what?
it's my blog and i can post long
posts if i please!



  1. Madison Makena Cline, this almost made me cry. I love you so much, and you aspirations are absolutely beautiful.