Friday, November 16, 2012

what a difference one year can make.

one year ago today i made a decision that has forever changed my life.
i walked away from who and what i felt was the greatest thing my life could ever consist of.
god turned the tables on me, though.
like he flipped a switch and everything was altered.
i didn't seen it coming.
honestly, i hadn't wanted to do it.
i wanted to stay put. comfortable. and with the one i loved.
but god felt otherwise.

i remember driving away that evening wondering about what that day
would look like in a year's time.
i thought that today would consist of regret and heartache. 
god encouraged me to just sit back and trust.
me, sit back and trust?
no way. i'm a control freak.
but god is god, and i am, well, i have no effect on him and his ways.
so, i was obedient. i obeyed out of faith and doubted all the way.
needless to say, i mocked the future that god was supposedly mapping out for me because
i didn't want to feel let down when a year had passed and i was still having heartache,
shattering all of my expectations.

that's just it, however. expectations don't exist in god's eyes.
expectations are never met. 
they're exceeded.
so i spent {and i'm happy to say this} bits of today allowing myself to go back
in the past to remember what life had felt like.
i swear that day is as vivid as today.
it was a cold wednesday.
early evening, in california.


november sixteenth, two-thousand and twelve.
it's a cold friday,
early evening, in oregon.
i'm one year older,
yet i still insist on acting like a child most days.
i try my best to get good grades, and i'm making new friends slowly.
everyday i think to myself that life right now is nowhere near where i thought my life could ever be.
most days this is such a good thing,
while other days i'm just plain scared and homesick.
but god's been asking me to wait. still.
last year, i assumed that "waiting" would only take one month.
try twelve.
down to the hour.

so i told a friend at dinner tonight that i ended things one year ago,
and that i remembered looking at the clock and knowing that it had been five at the time.
tonight i came back to my room and sat down at my computer to check my emails.
i hadn't seen it coming...maybe i did. but maybe i didn't.
god was about to turn a table.
flip on a light switch.

and there it was.
an invitation on the email i have only dreamt of.
an invitation to be apart of the summer 2013 serve team to romania/moldova.
i've been dreaming of going to romania for nearly three years now.
and they picked me.
i feel excited, and frazzled, and blessed, and in awe all at one time.
god said he had other plans but he never mentioned that they looked like this.
one year in god's time is long. and even difficult.
but a lifetime on god's time is so worth it.
and i have to give him all of the credit.

it's so cliche to say...but one of my dreams has just come true.
and i can't wait to see what god's going to do next.

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