Wednesday, January 30, 2013

some honesty here...

today a professor told me that i need to learn to be eighteen.
then my mom said, "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU TO DO."

so, starting right now, i want to learn to say yes to things i wouldn't normally say yes to.
little things, of course.
i need to bend a little.
you know?

i'm saying this on here so that i feel more accountable.
i want to let everything go and just breathe.

a not-so-kind person once said, madison you are so selfish.
and another not-so-kind person told me that i would never find true happiness.

well, just for everyone who reads this little blog,

sure, i'm not jumping through hoops everyday, but i'm happy. right now, sick and all, homesick and all, stressed and all.
i. am. happy.

sure, i am selfish in some regards. i don't always like to share my chocolate candy,
and i'm totally okay with making the decisions that are right for me, but
i. am. not. selfish.

i am eighteen years old.
i want a life that is everything but perfect.
i don't want easy, but i don't like difficult.
i mess up. i say the wrong things.
i don't always finish my homework.
and i sometimes want to give up.
i like to say no, even when i want to say yes to fun.
i am so confused about what to do with my life, but i feel so relieved that this is a normal aspect of my young adulthood.
i am one big bag of emotions.
i forgive but don't forget. no matter how many times i "try."
god makes me angry, but also so happy that i know he is the only way.
i don't always pray for my enemies, but i won't ever push them down.
i fail everyone's expectations and sometimes...uhm...LOVE DOING SO.
i swear sometimes {okay, i swear more than i'd like to admit}
and i don't like rules.
or mean people.
or the strength it takes to have faith.
or the unknown.

but i love god,
i want to be happy,
and feeling selfish about my future is something i am finally a-ok with.

now, if i could just kick this sickness feeling and clear away some of the oregon clouds,
today would really be something.

tomorrow's the last day of january, hooray.

sometimes when the day is long, or i don't feel well {like today; yesterday and today my body is just not feeling right}, or things are overwhelming,
i open up a book full of poems and read the ones that pertain to me most.
i received this book {she walks in beauty} as a birthday present last year and it will always
be one to stay close with me.

this poem is out of the silence and solitude section. enjoy.

As Much As You Can
Constantine P. Cavafy

And if you can't shape your life the way you want,
at least try as much as you can
not to degrade it
by too much contact with the world,
by too much activity and talk.

Try not to degrade it by dragging it along,
making it around and exposing it so often
to the daily silliness
of social events and parties,
until it comes to seem a boring hanger-on.

and to point out the title of my post, i don't care for january very much. i never have.
so, i suppose it's okay to say that i'm happy to see it go.
february is always a good month, despite valentines ;)
and march through june are my favorite.
{even more than christmas!}

i'm looking forward to longer days,
warmer days,
sunnier days,
and simpler days.
even if they're still short,
and stressful.

they'll still be good.
i just know it!


forget-me-nots are my favorite, and they remind me of my favorite time of year.
i found these here.

Monday, January 28, 2013


piano lessons.
just worth one credit, 
but believe me, that one credit is going to make all the difference.
i didn't want class to end!
i am so happy about this little piano class.


Friday, January 25, 2013

and heaven meets earth

so there's this song that i love.
i've known it for a couple of years now, if that.
anyways, i love to listen to it at random.
it always reminds me of a time in my life when i wanted to walk away from god.
and every time i listen to it, it reminds me why i didn't.

in the beginning of the song, faint in the background is the voice of a crowd.
it always causes me to envision myself standing in a crowd of people,
so many people, and yet god is looking for me. 
from the distance he's peering his head over the crowd
and his eyes are looking for me.
he fought hard for me. really hard. like he'd do for you.
and i literally think back to that moment almost everyday.
if the moment would have gone any differently, or if i would have been different,
i would have potentially missed out.
but the moment was perfect. god's timing is impeccable.

i guess that's when you know that everything is going to fall into place, right?
i don't know why i just wrote this.
i have currently watched about eight episodes of gossip girl,
painted three pictures,
had two servings of ice cream,
and i'm procrastinating homework.
i am so human. and such a teenager.

but then this song comes on and it reminds me that somewhere, in a crowd of millions and billions of others, someone is looking for me.
and just because i'm here in little ol' oregon,
i'm in eye shot of the one guy that matters.

i suppose that's pretty cool.
and i thought i'd share the song.
even if it's been up here before.
it's really beautiful.

the video is king of cheesy {i couldn't find any that were better}
but the video itself isn't the point.


just for a while, but even a few moments count for something!
as cold as it was, i turned up the music super loud and rolled down the windows.
i can't wait for summer drives like that back at home.

absolute freedom at it's finest.

oh, and i spent some time at my "happiest place in the world" - target!
i bought children's paint, a shirt, make up, and fruit loops.
this weekend is going to be super awesome now!
ahhhhh, i'm hoping for it.

xoxo & happy friday 

p.s. last night i went to an art gallery here on campus.
before going to the actual gallery, i listend to the artist talk.
he's a southern californian and true to his roots.
the way he talked about california made me beyond nostalgic.
anyhoo, his work shown last night was incredible. seriously.
you can see it here.
the oceans series was his collection.
i can't wait for more galleries!

i miss you, cali.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

some honesty, over here.

honestly, i don't know how much longer i can take your gloomy weather, oregon.
i need some sun and some promises of brighter days {literally, bring on the shine!}.

honestly, i'm in a place of reevaluating everything.

honestly, being a grown up comes with too many decisions. ahhhh.

honestly, i'm looking at a new career path. not a new major, but something i suddenly feel very passionate about.

honestly, i'm kind of excited about this... :)

honestly, walking through the cafeteria is one of my biggest fears. ever. so much for being a grown up, huh?

honestly, oregon has brought me some of the most beautiful relationships, but lately i think god's been trying to get me alone, and this loneliness is so not my thing.

honestly, i watched a chanel fashion show yesterday and just about had a freak out over all of karl's recent designs. bible college, who? {just kidding;) }

honestly, i could live in white button up tops. they're my new fave.

honestly, i wish i could sleep for the next 99 days. because, if i counted correctly, that's how many days i have until i move back to that beautiful california sun.

p.s. remember that christian discipling class i told you about? well we each have to share something that indirectly portrays christ. so one of the girls in my class presented this video. i love adoption. my two nieces and one of my nephews are adopted, and i truly can't remember a time when they weren't in the family yet. it's as though they were always here, and always meant to be. i loved this video, as well as the song that plays along towards the middle, so much, and i hope that you do too.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013


just an f.y.i.
i am going to be changing my blog url to:
as of later tonight, or tomorrow.
soooo if my original url doesn't
work, don't worry,  i simply changed the address

thanks for reading!
happy wednesday.

according to my iphone {all that's accumulated on my instagram!}

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

just so you know...because i think it's cool.

so i don't know how many views are considered a lot over here in the blogging world...
maybe my number means that no one but family looks at my blog {even though i write mostly for them}
but right now, i just hit nine thousand views.
nine thousand.
and i've only been blogging for nine months.
to me, that's...uhm...a lot!
that means that someone or someones have cared nine thousand times about
what little old me has had to say these past months.
that makes me feel happy.

thanks readers.
you're awesome.
mom, julia....and whoever else you are ;)

christmas break according to my iphone

oh how i miss all of these kiddos

Sunday, January 20, 2013

upon arriving home, five or so weeks ago {according to my iphone, series}

 on the way to the airport! and so excited to be going home.

my room was all christmas-y when i arrived.

first sunday back at church, and it felt so good.

happy sunday.

Saturday, January 19, 2013


i'm just going to say that i'm praying an awful lot over here for some sunny days.
{literally...and figuratively}
nothing is certain yet, but when i know i will definitely be writing about it here!

it's crazy to me to think that this time last week i was in sunny california.
fred came and visited with grandma and brenda.
geeg came over and laid on my bed as i packed.
us four clines went to the milia's restaurant for lunch.
i said my goodbyes to the family.
and ended my day in bed with hot chocolate and ice cream for dinner.
that seems like an eternity ago.
sooooo sad.
but maybe i'll be back there sooner than i'd hoped...and for much longer than i hope ;)
there's no place like home!

Thursday, January 17, 2013

sooooooo be honest, my first week of second semester has been one whirlwind.
especially in my mind.
i feel like i'm back at square one. i know what i want to do with my life,
i'm just not certain of the tools i need to build that life.
i mean, obviously god is a given tool. but for the past few days i have been
going crazy over contemplating what i want these years, these next months to look like.

i get that i am where i am right now, right here, IN THIS SPOT, because this is where
i was put. i am suuuuper aware/accepting of that. but in my heart, something
i began my journey towards pursuing god's plan for my life with such faith and eventually with
such passion. i had/have this dream, and i feel like oregon has really shown me the possibilities and
realities of that dream. and yet there is something in my heart that feels so contradicted and so not at peace.
the minute i began to feel this way, i freaked out. what do i mean i feel differently than before?
how could this happen? i have finally started over. i have come. this. far.
and yet, i can't fine peace.

sure, i'm homesick...classes are going to be challenging...relationships take time to build...blah blah blah. not a big deal.
but my independence, good relationships, and challenging classes are what i have thrived on and for
for as long as i can remember. if i have all of these, and if i am seeking out other opportunities, then
what is missing?

a friend on my floor said that she feels as though she's going through a midlife crisis.
she nailed how i feel.
i completely understand that i sound so dramatic and soooo eighteen years old.
but what i also understand is that with god there is peace, and with good intentions, faith,
and effort in his name, there too should be peace. so where's the peace?

this is beyond personal. more personal than i've ever been, but i'm having a major human moment and words are how i am thinking it through.
i think that right now is one of the loneliest feelings my flesh has ever felt, and yet my spirit and my heart feel like god is here. and so that is why i ask again, where is the peace?

one of my downfalls is that i stress. and i anticipate. and i overplan.
this week i am having a life lesson that those cannot be the driving force in my life.
i'm also well aware that god often places us in situations that are larger than us, uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and even in things that make us down right pissed off.
so i'm kind of at a point in my life where i'm scratching my head.
i feel like i have witnessed and accumulated blessings. i am not looking for god to prove something to me, because frankly i'm the only one who should be doing the proving.
i'm just looking for a feeling i see in so many girls, and people, my age...i want to look around me everyday and love love love where i'm at. i don't want perfection. and i don't want things to be easy. i just want to feel youthful. it sounds so stupid because i am just a kid. but hey, this is how i feel, people!
maybe it will happen tomorrow, or next week. maybe it will happen in one year. or just some unexpected day. believe me, there is such a guilt i feel in lacking this love right now.
i just needed to be a bit honest, i suppose.

life is moving as fast as every adult has ever told me it would.
and for so long i've had certain things figured out. no, i have never had nearly everything figured out.
but god's always been pretty up front and honest with me.
currently, i don't have anything whatsoever figured out. and i want to be okay with that.
i want to feel like i can change my mind, or slow down time, or figure out who i am. i want to feel like i can say, "hey, god, this isn't working out. is there another way?!"
i'm trying to savor things while i'm in this moment.
it's just that this moment isn't what i pictured.

please know that i do believe that god is a loving god who never deprives his people of peace. it's just that we're all human, and sometimes we get a little loopy about life. hence, me!!! ahh.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

i need some motivation over here, guys.

two days in and i'm losing fuel over here.

any advice about how to get back into the swing of things?
please and thank you

p.s. i signed up for piano class, thanks to my lovely friend izzy's advice.

and just when i thought i wouldn't have that "one" class...

...i got it.
two hours sounded a lot like those block scheduled classes i had for
four years in high school.
but the two hours i'll be spending twice a week in my christian discipling class are going to be
so worth it.

the professor opened the class with this video.
it made me smile,
and i think that the story of caine is so great.
i know it's long, but i hope you enjoy.

it's the little things, outside of the box {literally} that make everything worth it.


Sunday, January 13, 2013

just so you know.

i'm home.

i'm doing this.

we'll see how tomorrow goes.


close BUT no cigar!

so i'm sitting in the airport, wishing that i had a way out of going back to oregon...anddddd, over the intercom they announce that my flight is overbooked and anyone willing to give up their ticket would get a $300 {literally the exact amount i need for my round trip next time} voucher plus a free one way ticket back to portland.
uhmmm...hello, sign me up! so the man sitting next to me went and asked about everything and the next flight to portland doesn't arrive until 10:55 tonight.

my heart sunk. even more than it already has today.
i didn't even accomplish half of the things i wanted to do!
well, i suppose this means summer should just hurry its pretty self up.
really, i'm already pulling the "summer hurry up" line.

honestly, guys, i have no desire to be back in oregon.
i'm dying to start classes again {i'm weird like that}
but i do not want to live in oregon anymore.
it's hard. yeah, i know that life is hard, and that this particular
"difficulty" is nothing compared to other things.
i'm blessed, i know.
but some aspects of break were draining and looooong 
and i am doing my best to leave that all in the past,
but my heart is here in california with my family.
the distance thing kills me,
and i'm praying it gets better with time
but time just seems to go by so slow up there.
one month here goes so fast, while a single day there often feels like an eternity.

there's so many other aspects to this that are personal, but
to give you the gist of things, i'm just plain homesick most of the time.
i'm figuring stuff out,
and i feel like giving up, moving back to cali, and starting over small.
so today, mom and dad told me to give up. they said, "give up. throw it all away. do something else. move back home."
not exactly what i wanted to hear, but they're right.
so i either give it up or suck it up.
i don't like my new address but there's so many wonderful things
that this new address of mine has brought to my life.
i know that this time is temporary and i just have to keep telling myself that
i'm growing up and times are a changin'.
we'll see how this all goes these next few weeks.
i've decided to take today minute by minute,
and everything else day by day.


Friday, January 11, 2013

three things...

1. uhm....EW. this video of how hotdogs are made was fascinating for my eyes and disturbing for my more hotdogs for this girl over here!

2. this picture, courtesy of this blog, really made my night. sooooo adorable ;)

3. i have been searching for a pair of these but then i saw these...hoorah, the joys of being a girl!!

p.s. i am terribly sad to be leaving my loved ones once the spring term begins in a few days. i wouldn't mind some homemade prayers regarding my homesickness.


Tuesday, January 8, 2013

i left my heart in san francisco.

i really, truly did.
and i am determined to reclaim it one day for good.
i'll live here someday, fingers crossed.
{a girl can dream (; }
knock on wood.
anyways, i needed to see my city at least once before going back to good ol' oregon.
we went with my "aunty" kathy,
ate a wonderful lunch at the squat and gobble 
and then headed over to the bridge.
it started to rain, but we managed to snap some pictures.
i'm really going to miss you, california.
who would have thought?!
golly, my heart has taken a turn for the better towards my home state. seriously. 
but this girl has also left some of her heart back in oregon so for now i must go back ;)