Wednesday, January 30, 2013

some honesty here...

today a professor told me that i need to learn to be eighteen.
then my mom said, "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU TO DO."

so, starting right now, i want to learn to say yes to things i wouldn't normally say yes to.
little things, of course.
i need to bend a little.
LIVE, A LITTLE.
you know?

i'm saying this on here so that i feel more accountable.
i want to let everything go and just breathe.

a not-so-kind person once said, madison you are so selfish.
and another not-so-kind person told me that i would never find true happiness.

well, just for everyone who reads this little blog,

I AM SO HAPPY.
sure, i'm not jumping through hoops everyday, but i'm happy. right now, sick and all, homesick and all, stressed and all.
i. am. happy.

I AM NOT SELFISH.
sure, i am selfish in some regards. i don't always like to share my chocolate candy,
and i'm totally okay with making the decisions that are right for me, but
i. am. not. selfish.

i am eighteen years old.
i want a life that is everything but perfect.
i don't want easy, but i don't like difficult.
i mess up. i say the wrong things.
i don't always finish my homework.
and i sometimes want to give up.
i like to say no, even when i want to say yes to fun.
i am so confused about what to do with my life, but i feel so relieved that this is a normal aspect of my young adulthood.
i am one big bag of emotions.
i forgive but don't forget. no matter how many times i "try."
god makes me angry, but also so happy that i know he is the only way.
i don't always pray for my enemies, but i won't ever push them down.
i fail everyone's expectations and sometimes...uhm...LOVE DOING SO.
i swear sometimes {okay, i swear more than i'd like to admit}
and i don't like rules.
or mean people.
or the strength it takes to have faith.
or the unknown.

but i love god,
i want to be happy,
and feeling selfish about my future is something i am finally a-ok with.


now, if i could just kick this sickness feeling and clear away some of the oregon clouds,
today would really be something.

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