Wednesday, January 30, 2013

some honesty here...

today a professor told me that i need to learn to be eighteen.
then my mom said, "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU TO DO."

so, starting right now, i want to learn to say yes to things i wouldn't normally say yes to.
little things, of course.
i need to bend a little.
you know?

i'm saying this on here so that i feel more accountable.
i want to let everything go and just breathe.

a not-so-kind person once said, madison you are so selfish.
and another not-so-kind person told me that i would never find true happiness.

well, just for everyone who reads this little blog,

sure, i'm not jumping through hoops everyday, but i'm happy. right now, sick and all, homesick and all, stressed and all.
i. am. happy.

sure, i am selfish in some regards. i don't always like to share my chocolate candy,
and i'm totally okay with making the decisions that are right for me, but
i. am. not. selfish.

i am eighteen years old.
i want a life that is everything but perfect.
i don't want easy, but i don't like difficult.
i mess up. i say the wrong things.
i don't always finish my homework.
and i sometimes want to give up.
i like to say no, even when i want to say yes to fun.
i am so confused about what to do with my life, but i feel so relieved that this is a normal aspect of my young adulthood.
i am one big bag of emotions.
i forgive but don't forget. no matter how many times i "try."
god makes me angry, but also so happy that i know he is the only way.
i don't always pray for my enemies, but i won't ever push them down.
i fail everyone's expectations and sometimes...uhm...LOVE DOING SO.
i swear sometimes {okay, i swear more than i'd like to admit}
and i don't like rules.
or mean people.
or the strength it takes to have faith.
or the unknown.

but i love god,
i want to be happy,
and feeling selfish about my future is something i am finally a-ok with.

now, if i could just kick this sickness feeling and clear away some of the oregon clouds,
today would really be something.

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