Thursday, January 17, 2013

sooooooo

....to be honest, my first week of second semester has been one whirlwind.
especially in my mind.
i feel like i'm back at square one. i know what i want to do with my life,
i'm just not certain of the tools i need to build that life.
i mean, obviously god is a given tool. but for the past few days i have been
going crazy over contemplating what i want these years, these next months to look like.

i get that i am where i am right now, right here, IN THIS SPOT, because this is where
i was put. i am suuuuper aware/accepting of that. but in my heart, something feels...off.
i began my journey towards pursuing god's plan for my life with such faith and eventually with
such passion. i had/have this dream, and i feel like oregon has really shown me the possibilities and
realities of that dream. and yet there is something in my heart that feels so contradicted and so not at peace.
the minute i began to feel this way, i freaked out. what do i mean i feel differently than before?
how could this happen? i have finally started over. i have come. this. far.
and yet, i can't fine peace.

sure, i'm homesick...classes are going to be challenging...relationships take time to build...blah blah blah. not a big deal.
but my independence, good relationships, and challenging classes are what i have thrived on and for
for as long as i can remember. if i have all of these, and if i am seeking out other opportunities, then
what is missing?

a friend on my floor said that she feels as though she's going through a midlife crisis.
ding!
she nailed how i feel.
i completely understand that i sound so dramatic and soooo eighteen years old.
but what i also understand is that with god there is peace, and with good intentions, faith,
and effort in his name, there too should be peace. so where's the peace?

this is beyond personal. more personal than i've ever been, but i'm having a major human moment and words are how i am thinking it through.
i think that right now is one of the loneliest feelings my flesh has ever felt, and yet my spirit and my heart feel like god is here. and so that is why i ask again, where is the peace?

one of my downfalls is that i stress. and i anticipate. and i overplan.
this week i am having a life lesson that those cannot be the driving force in my life.
i'm also well aware that god often places us in situations that are larger than us, uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and even in things that make us down right pissed off.
so i'm kind of at a point in my life where i'm scratching my head.
i feel like i have witnessed and accumulated blessings. i am not looking for god to prove something to me, because frankly i'm the only one who should be doing the proving.
i'm just looking for a feeling i see in so many girls, and people, my age...i want to look around me everyday and love love love where i'm at. i don't want perfection. and i don't want things to be easy. i just want to feel youthful. it sounds so stupid because i am just a kid. but hey, this is how i feel, people!
maybe it will happen tomorrow, or next week. maybe it will happen in one year. or just some unexpected day. believe me, there is such a guilt i feel in lacking this love right now.
i just needed to be a bit honest, i suppose.

life is moving as fast as every adult has ever told me it would.
and for so long i've had certain things figured out. no, i have never had nearly everything figured out.
but god's always been pretty up front and honest with me.
currently, i don't have anything whatsoever figured out. and i want to be okay with that.
i want to feel like i can change my mind, or slow down time, or figure out who i am. i want to feel like i can say, "hey, god, this isn't working out. is there another way?!"
i'm trying to savor things while i'm in this moment.
it's just that this moment isn't what i pictured.


please know that i do believe that god is a loving god who never deprives his people of peace. it's just that we're all human, and sometimes we get a little loopy about life. hence, me!!! ahh.


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