Sunday, March 31, 2013

for the girls that kindly read what i have to say.

this is for you, because my last post was super personal and not all that happy.

dear girls,

you are so beautiful, and intelligent, and graceful.
you are the things you dream of becoming.
everything you find yourself passionate about is in you for a purpose.

life is complicated and wonderful
all at one time, sometimes in spurts, and always at random.
days are often long,
sometimes even short.
anything goes, and this policy of life can at times leave you feeling the brunt of things.

people will tell you no,
they'll even say you can't.
and some will even dare to speak of impossibilities .

friendships will end.
loved ones will die.
grief will become as consuming as love.
you'll have trouble forgiving and forgetting.
you'll struggle with apologizing and remembering.

life will change within seconds, or it will remain seemingly stagnant for long durations of time.
you'll feel let down,
you'll set unnecessary expectations.
people will set expectations over you, too, and shame on them.

failure is inevitable, and there will always be a loser.
sometimes you'll lose. maybe you'll lose most times.
but you have just as much chance of a win as everyone else.
you'll argue, and you'll cry, and you'll find your defiance.

some will enter your life and make you feel small.
don't allow low measurements to make you feel worthless,
and at the same time, don't allow larger measurements to fill you with arrogance.

money goes just like that.
and material objects grow old.
people change.
you'll change.

but at the end of the day, in some crazy way, you're still you.
keep going.
try, always.
speak kindly,
and maintain your poise.
dress your best, even if you think your best doesn't compare.
because it does.
love everyone,
and don't be afraid to give your heart away.
it's a beautiful thing, even if it hurts.
fall in love, and be passionate.
find compassion for others,
and an understanding that surpasses.
don't be afraid of speaking your thoughts,
and don't be afraid when you just don't know anymore.
be passionate,
and sing,
and dance,
and tell yourself how wonderful you are.
look around you,
take it all in,
the good,
the bad.
look to others to keep from solely looking at yourself.

you are beautiful, and intelligent, and graceful.
and life is beautiful.
so beautiful!
i've learned that it's always the saddest of matters that bring the flowers.
if you look and try hard enough, you'll find yourself in a garden,
enveloped in its beauty and reward.


oh, and here's a happier song for you all.

and just like that my life is precisely an adele song.

this song has been around for quite a bit of time now.
and, well, when i first heard it in december of 2011 all i could think was,
"oh my god...please never let this become me."

it has.
quite literally, to be honest.
you know what i was thinking?
broken hearts are like zippers.
you can zip them all the way to the top,
but it's easy to zip them right back down,
exposing everything; allowing anything to fall out.
though eventually the zipper does get jammed or stuck somewhere.
hopefully it jams at the top,
keeping your heart in place for forever.

slowly, my zipper is becoming slower and slower.
it catches material, and therefore keeps from going down all of the way.
today just happened to be a day where it was completely pulled down, out of nowhere, and with no warning whatsoever.
no jam.
no hesitation.
full force pulled down and opened.
broken heart revealed. 

so, i stood there, zipper down
{as silly as this metaphor sounds}
and completely and utterly vulnerable.
i felt too young and immature.
i frantically looked away.
i felt like an intruder, i felt rude, pathetic even.

and yet, all i wanted to do was stretch out my hand.
i wanted to cry.
i wanted to say i was sorry over and over.
i wanted to say that i wished well upon everyone.
but, no one would believe me.

in all honesty, you guys?
i cried today.
i cried the other day too...a couple of times, actually.
i feel guilty when i still cry,
but then i tell myself what i tell others who is so normal. so human.

i hated that i stood alone today.
but i have hope that one day a young man will walk into my life,
take my world my storm,
and find himself loving sitting by my side in church.
some days i think, impossible. i blew my one shot.
but then i remember all of the love i still have, not only for those in my past but for those who have not yet entered my life,
and i think, god cannot possibly let this all go to waste.

so this is not one of my most cheeriest posts,
but F I N A L L Y i felt able enough to get something out.
for the past two days i have found myself struggling with ridding myself of pent up thoughts and emotions.
i tried two posts yesterday but nothing felt right.
even my book is on hold because i can't put my memories on to paper.
today, i feel like one big bag of thoughts and emotions.
and i'm frustrated. a bit sad. and completely nostalgic.
but jesus was raised from the dead today.
and the blessings from this alone are enough to out weigh any broken heart.
i think that god is clever with life.
today, when i felt most unjustified and humiliated,
christ died.
and that's all the justification in the world i need. 

i hope that everyone has a beautiful easter.
and, in spite of anything and everything, i hope that there is peace in what today signifies.



Thursday, March 28, 2013

a potential new home

in sunny california.

there's new people,
new things to do,
new places to go,
a new major to study,
new goals to aim for,
new roads to take me places,
a whole new mindset,
new. new. new.

but, i must admit that i felt
as though i was cheating on mr. george fox.
it felt weird to imagine myself wandering
a new campus. i'm used to the faces of kind
individuals that pass me up on my way to class.
i'm used to the steep climb up the canyon.
i'm used to bantering with the group of girls i live with.
i'm used to seeing mr. pacific's handsome face each tuesday and thursday in class.
i'm used to chicken strips every saturday night.
i'm used to solid rock's wonderful church services.
i'm used to rain, and flannels, and rain boots, and umbrellas.
i'm used to great professors who have guided me and taught me more
than i could have hoped for this year.
and, most of all, i'm used to saying that i no longer live in california.

i haven't made a decision yet.
there's still some things to be covered and paid and researched.
however, this new school sat so right with me.
i just knew that god was giving me the go if i wanted to.

sometimes he lets us blatantly choose. {that's what i'm learning, anyways.}
sure, we always have freewill, but at times living in obedience to god might
feel a bit suffocating or controlled {even though it's not}.
that's how i felt. and it was wrong. but those were still my feelings and i expressed them over and over.
i moved to oregon to runaway,
i came for the wrong reasons.
why did i base my decision off of a person? did i really do that or do i feel like i did?

blah blah blah.

and then god calmly entered the picture and pointed out the obvious:
this year was intended. it was right. it was healthy.

yes, yes it was, i can surely agree.
but god, i want to feel like i made a choice without
anything swaying me....!!!

and so i got my choice.
and i need to make it quick.
i'm scared.
sad {to leave amazing individuals.}

but, then again, one to many people said i never had it in me.
and, here i and happily living at that.
now, let's just throw in a kind gentleman,
and a nice financial aid package,
and make this move!

cross my fingers
the end.

good morning, irvine california.

i woke up and had to remind myself that i was
still in my home state.
do you know how wonderful this realization felt?!

so, in about an hour, i will tour another school.
who would have thought that i would be here again,
doing this??!!?
i sure didn't.
and yet, life has thrown me another curve ball.
good thing i'm getting better and better at catching ;)

i will tell you how this goes!

Sunday, March 24, 2013


everything is familiar, just how i left it.
the same people come and go by my house,
my favorite book store is still there, beckoning me to
spend money i don't have on writers i could only dream of becoming like.
in-n-out is open late,
though dad's homemade dinners are of better satisfaction when you're
a college student and starving for a homemade dish.
mom goes to work everyday and ethan goes to school.
church is still on sundays, and everyone that i know goes to the first service.
my typewriter and record player have collected some dust.
and my winter sheets still cover my bed.
the weather is warm,
and the mountains are green and not yet brown.

but as i take my evening walk, and survey everything before me,
remembering everything behind me,
knowing everything up north above me,
and imagining everything ahead of me,
i can't help but feel a twinge of change.

sure, things changed over christmas.
and things have changed since then.
but this change is a familiar change.
spring brings about memories.
and memories that, though technically recent,
are much too old to deserve any recollection.

the days are growing longer,
the afternoons warmer.
the house i swore i'd raise my kids in has a new roof.
{and an ugly new roof at that.}
eddie, my dog, is older and slower...both of which make me sad.
and some things feel so old to really feel like anything else.

i'm torn between the old things that i miss,
and the new things that i long to love.

i look around at everything familiar...a horizon traced
by green mountains who pierce the blue california sky.
and there i am, torn between old and new: a contrast of color,
a puzzle piece that doesn't quite fit.

when i'm in oregon, i forget what this places tastes like.
and when i am here, i can't remember what oregon feels like.

here, i can see myself, standing on the corner of miller avenue, this time last year.
i can see that girl, and i feel sorry for her.
i can see myself, speeding on a back road towards morgan hill, windows down
and an endless play list being heard.
i can see my sunday afternoons spent in a worn out living room,
or at a restaurant by the mission.
i can remember the time when everything that is now
meant nothing. when my mind couldn't even fathom what was ahead.
before i knew that i'd live in oregon,
before i could name the people who i have come to love unconditionally,
before i declared a major,
and knew that i had a passion for the old testament.
before i knew i'd actually begin to write a book. and possibly a damn good one at that.
before i knew i'd have to learn to smile again.
and before i knew that there would be more to the story.

a girl used to live in this house,
and walk these streets,
and wander through this town.
but she's gone now,
and that's okay.
she's still here in some ways or others. coming and going.
if you would have told her she'd be on her way to romania one day, she'd laugh and call you crazy.
if you would have told her she'd move to oregon, she would have had a panic attack.
if you would have told her that one day she'd be open enough to write everything down, she'd deny you all the way.

but she is going somewhere,
and she has no directions.
but every now and again, she stops by this little old town
and she remembers what she left here,
and she takes everything in,
treasuring everything and everyone in her heart.

the end.

Friday, March 22, 2013

coming home.

well, it's A L R E A D Y the homestretch of freshmen year.
can you believe that?!
i certainly can't.
this is probably the last time i will fly out of pdx for a long, long time.
and, i'm feeling a bit sad about that.
oregon has definitely treated me well.
and, growing up, i had this idea in mind that college
meant going far enough away to need an airplane to come home.
believe me, those moments of anticipation of seeing my family
A N D getting to ride on an's all fantastic.
{i love flying. i really, really do.}
so, driving away from fox today...i'll just admit it...
i was sad.
really sad, actually.
however, i have a feeling that my occupation in life
will require lots of flying time.
and besides, the next time i take a trip i will be on my way to

romania, you will be the trip of all trips for this girl.
life is good. especially today.
in-n-out awaits me,
the triplets,
my family,
whale watching,
the moma,
san francisco,
sleeping in,
walks & jogs,
sunday morning church,
easter {which is just an all around great day anyways}
irvine & a possible new school.

this girl is content.
and i'm pretty sure i passed
that new testament literature midterm.
and i have enough writing to do to last me this
flight. all i need is pen, paper, the feeling of going home,
and some good music.

the end.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

currently in my ear:

arcade fire is one of my favorite bands ever.
when i came across this song here,
i had to post it.
i've had this in repeat all through midterm studies today.

to the boy who ignorantly stole my heart,

you stole my heart and have never known to give it back.

i can't blame you for not knowing that you stole my heart.
i'm one with too many words about life,
but with little courage when it comes to love.
so how could you ever know?

i can't blame you for being so handsome,
and always seeming to look your best.
i can't blame you for your wit, your charm, or for your talent.
i can't blame you for your name, or for your charisma, or for being you.

there are too many things i can't blame you for,
simply because they are not your fault.
i can't blame you if you love someone else,
or for acting like your age.
i can't blame you for your coldness,
or for your questions.

but i can blame myself for letting my heart go
out of my sights, if even for a short while.
i can blame myself for letting my feelings get the better of me.
but then again, how can i blame myself if you're the kind of boy
who colors a world,
takes the lead in dancing,
sings, even if not well,
and makes those around you laugh.

how can i blame myself that you don't feel the same way?
because as great as you are, you're just a boy.
and, yes, i'm just a girl too...but i've written you this
and i suppose that says a lot.
and maybe, i'd like to think, you've written something for me,
somewhere, somehow.
and perhaps you're more scared of the unknown that i am.

but just in case you're wondering,
i'm a big fan of lots of colors.
i can't dance, but i'll follow if you lead.
i'll sing the words you don't know.
and i'll laugh even if you're not funny.
because you're that great,
and you're just a boy.

the end.


Tuesday, March 19, 2013

oh my.

i just about died when i saw this website.
these animals are beyond adorable!
i just want to take one home.
i'm not a huge animal lover,
but i am fascinated with how beautiful and unique each animal is.
i read about this blogger/photographer over on a cup of jo.
so i decided to check out her site and i ended up falling in love
with each of her prints. here are of a few of my favorites:

Monday, March 18, 2013

today isn't my day at all.

and while looking through my blog feed i read a quote from over here.
it's a wonderful quote.

"There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness and this is neither. This season is about becoming."
-Shauna Niequist

my best friend emailed this to me the other day and i laughed out loud.
i don't really remember taking these.
but there i stand, a medal around my neck,
a stole reading "ASB PRESIDENT" resting upon my shoulders,
and a diploma in hand.
i was many many things in high school.
and i often miss that girl up there because
she was only defined by the small, high-schoolish things that surrounded her.
she hadn't been off on her own, ever.
and the world was only at her finger tips.
she knew that she'd begin to become something, someone;
but no one told her how difficult it might be,
and how hard she'd have to try.
she was warned of failure and of mistakes,
but wasn't told how to handle them.
no one really has any solution to these anyways.
all she knew was that she had to keep going,
and that the world would go about its own course.
life would change, and decisions would need to be made.
tears and laughter would be essential.
and blessings and hardships would abound.
it's been one long year of change,
and the two of us are still becoming lots of things.
i think that so far we're doing just alright.
love you, jules.


Sunday, March 17, 2013


today the rain never came.
i bought a pair of shoes for seventy-percent off.
and i had an iced green tea from starbucks.
not to mention, this time next week i will be home.


Saturday, March 16, 2013

i remember

when you made promises i hoped you would keep.

when you held my hand and said that we'd be okay.

when you laughed and said that i'd never leave.

when you sang a song to me, and played the guitar.

when you cried because i described how beautiful our future would be.

when you took my face in your hands and told me that
you loved me, only to admit moments later that you hated me, too.

when you scared me so bad that i had to run away for a long, long time.

when i told you i'd be back in a while, and to be good.

i remember making promises that would turn out to be un-keepable.
i remember how cold everything was and how torn i felt between feeling
old and young.
and then i remember when i began to forget things here and there.
and the memory of you went away for a long while.
but then you come into my dreams, just like that.
and i feel the pangs of broken promises again.
and i feel disbelief that this is reality.
and i feel like it all can't possibly be so recent.
and i feel old, but everything around me is young.

and i hope that i don't dream anymore
because your promises were warm,
and your hands were safe,
and your laugh was endearing,
and your songs were sweet.
and your tears were for good,
and you didn't really hate me,
and you scared yourself more than you scared me,
and i really meant that i'd be back in a while,
but you had no intentions of being good.

and so i remember,
but i doubt that you still do.
so i try to forget,
and write it all away.

the end.

Friday, March 15, 2013

i'm trying not to stereotype here...

...but i'm about to stereotype here.

as this entire week has passed and i have grown more observant of two particular guys that were never of any real concern to my liking, i have become more and more fascinated with the concept of who and  what and why, when it comes to men. sure, as a girl, i've always wondered about why they're from mars or venus, or wherever we women claim they come from! anyways, i have found myself observing guys all throughout my week, and the more i do so the more i have to ask: which ones are which?!

i mean this in the sense of...which are the nice guys, which aren't?
who is looking for a relationship...who's not?
and how on heaven's green grass am i supposed to know any of these things???

so in madison's world there exists different species of men:
mr. flirtatious
mr. i'm secretly looking for a wife
mr. i'm too focused to even think about a relationship
mr. i can have any girl i want
mr. standards
mr. nice guy
mr. friend zone

{please no one take offense to any of these, i'm simply an eighteen year old girl with too much imagination}

mr. flirtatious is the guy who seems like the package deal. he's smart, handsome, has a taste of style, and a witty tongue that you just can't help but want to out-clever in words. he's the guy that will pass you by on your way to class and either make you feel like a million-bucks with his perfect smile and a charming word...or he'll play you off by nodding his head, looking you up and down, and then...wait for it...putting his arm around some other girl who is cast under his spell.
mr. flirtatious is the perfect mix of nice guy meets arrogance. his cover is seamless and inviting, while his pages are judgmental and, sadly, a bit cold. from my experience with many, many mr. flirtatious-es, i have learned that the best defense is to lock eye contact, hold your head high, maintain posture, and think the cleverest thought you've ever had as you slowly brush by him and give him a bit of a cold shoulder.
typically, mr. flirtatious will become very warm after that, but only temporarily. he likes to be the one controlling whether or not you get acknowledged, and not vice-versa.

mr. i'm secretly looking for a wife is handsome, goal oriented, and not as rare as we women expect. perhaps he's a bit older, and more career driven. nonetheless, mr. i'm secretly looking for a wife is kind, but particular. he knows what he's looking for, and even if he smiles and acts a bit too friendly, it's simply because he's a genuine guy.

mr. i'm too focused to even think about a relationship is. the worst. mostly because he's usually great. and partly fall for him like crazy. i mean, i feel like a lot of the time us girls have a radar of who's truly interested in us and who's not. so when that radar starts signaling that this guy is very much invested in his studies, music, work, etc, we immediately want to be the one thing that swoops in and changes his perspective. i mean, am i right? mr. i'm too focused makes me wonder what is truly going on in his head? he's handsome, and his style comes in all types. from my experience, he's introverted and mysterious. {that mysterious quality is a killer} he comes across as the entire deal...if only you could get him to notice anything outside of his focus! it's as though he's missing what could possibly be the best thing to ever happen to him: you! fortunately, however, feelings for him have always worn off easily in my case. you one day come to the realization that the right guy has his passions but also cares about his time spent with you. {awww}

mr. i can have any girl i want is basically the twin to mr. flirtatious. they're like the popular boys in high school that knew girls liked them and used it to boost their egos. {i'm biased} but in my opinion these guys were always the athletes. always, always. {sorry, not sorry}. though i have indeed met some athletes that are absolute gentlemen; remember, i am not stereotyping all men! anyhoo, mr. any girl likes the sound of his own voice, and the way he looks in the mirror. what i've learned? he's actually super insecure. i like to be as clever and sarcastic with these guys because i know it's something that they don't appreciate. nevertheless, they tend to make good guy friends, if you ever get to that point; but should be avoided until they reach age twenty-seven. isn't that the age where men are actually supposed to become men?

mr. standards is a cousin to mr. i'm secretly looking for a wife. what i've learned?
don't bother. his standards are too high. they shift around like crazy. and he can be very critical.
he has a certain image of things in his mind, and trust me, anyone who wants you to be anything you're not is just not worth it. i've learned to politely walk away, thank you very much. ;)

mr. friend zone is the wonderful guy that comes into your life and has what you're looking for and everyone is so happy for you and let him go. and, believe me, letting him go is sad and difficult, and it forces you to use those nasty lines like "it's not you, it's me" or "you'll make a great boy friend to someone else one day..." yep, he basically makes you feel like a murderer of love. but! do not fear! he's resilience and kind nature will hopefully allow you two to stay friends. and it's quite possible that when he does move on, because he will move on, it might sting a bit. but ultimately, you're happy for him no matter what because he is that wonderful.

mr. nice guy...the line that baffles males. i've had so many guys say to me, "if girls want nice guys then why do they go after jerks?" well, did you not get the point of just how alluring mr. flirtatious and mr. i can have any girl i want are? we girls are imperfect. irrational. hopeless romantics. we want what we can't have. we mess up. blah blah blah. then there {hopefully!} comes a day in a girls life where she finds herself fed up with bad guys and she knows in her heart that mr. nice guy is who she's been searching for all along. the thing about him is that he can come in any way, in any shape and form, and at any time. she doesn't even know yet. but when she sees him, she will know. mr. nice guy is possibly our best friend. or that cute guy that comes into the coffee shop every morning and orders an americano. he's the guy in chapel that sits alone and smiles at everyone. he's the guy walking by, book in hand and a wild imagination. he's the guy who holds doors open or lets you cut in line before him. he's the guy who you never knew you needed or wanted, and yet he walks into your life one day. storming in, uninvited, but completely welcomed. he's unsure, and young, and passionate. hopefully the boy loves jesus, because if that's so then it's meant to be.

and that's all
i have to say
about that.
the end.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

mr. pacific.

mr. pacific looked handsome today.
i've never said a single word to him,
but he has a wonderful smile.

mr. pacific is very tall, and looks
much older than i.

why must every girl accumulate these
wonderful mr. pacific's, only to realize
that time won't make time,
and words will go unspoken,
and eyes will look down?

he'll pass you in the hallway,
and perhaps even look at you and
think a nice thought.
but then that will be all.

dear mr. pacific,
you smiled at me today.
and while you did i concentrated
on what i was doing, held my posture,
articulated my words and tried my best not to fidget.
everything was emphasized, heightened, and i had
butterflies in my stomach.
but you looked my way & you smiled at me,
and it was the darnedest thing.

the end.

some things that others have had to say...

...and i just absolutely loved.

this is simply the best. i love engagement stories.

i couldn't agree more with this woman.
she always inspires me.

she's one of my favorites.
isn't her accent wonderful?

i want to make a friend this way.

& simply because i am a lover of all things
fashion, this is the opening clip from my most
favorite documentary.
anna, to me, is one of the most interesting people and i just love anything that she has to say about fashion.

the end.


Wednesday, March 13, 2013

currently in my ear:

because she's so wonderful.

{p.s. this is post #300.}


today mr. oregon looks more handsome than usual.
i can't tell if he has a talent in getting himself dressed and does so unknowingly,
or if he's secretly a man who puts lots of thinking into his everyday wear.

there's one particular guy who wears plaids like i've never seen anyone wear plaids.
or vests. or anything for that matter.
he's basically the poster child for urban outfitters, i swear.
i hear he's kind, and lots of fun to be around.

there is a girl whom i always see around, and she is typically wearing animal beanies.
one of these days i am going to swallow my shyness and ask her where it's from because
i have wanted an animal beanie for quite some time now.

there is another girl whom i see every other day, and she has an absolute talent
for wearing red boots. not to mention the rest of her clothes are adorable, but red boots.
she makes me want to try a pair myself, though i'm not sure i'd be able to pull them off.

there is one guy whose laugh always seems to echo above every other noise in the room.
for the past few days i have heard this laugh at various meal times, and sure enough it's always him,
head thrown back and wide grin upon his face.
it's a great laugh, and it makes me laugh, too.

one of the lunch ladies always asks how i am, but not just in an informal, rehearsed way
but in a way that shows me that she actually cares. anyways, i'm completely biased now and only
like to stand in the line where she's working just so that i can have one more kind conversation in my day.

there is one boy who i always seem to pass up no matter where i am coming from or going to.
in fact, our run-ins happen so frequently that i am rather embarrassed when i do see him.
but i always see him about campus with a smile on his face, or a quickness in his walk and i figure
that he's probably very kind and that saying hello one of these days might not be so bad.

i happen to see another man on specific days at specific times and he always smiles at me, says hello, and waves. i think that this is so nice that perhaps i'll stop one day and introduce myself.

there's lots of characters that i interact with throughout my day; so much so that i am very much aware of their presence. though, it's funny for me to think how weird this all is since most of them probably couldn't point me out in a crowd, whatsoever.
nonetheless, it's people like this whose seemingly insignificant roles in my life 
inspire me, and cause me to think outside of the box.
and the fun in being a writer is that i can write all i want about
them, and perhaps they'll make me great someday. but they
will never, ever know just how inspiring they truly are.
that's why i find it fun, when i think of it, to go about my day as if 
someone is writing a story about me.
it really opens up your eyes to those around you,
and makes situations and places seem more intriguing.

the end.


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

two things:

these are two pictures from that paint war i talked about the other night.
they're not mine, i got them off of facebook.
but i thought that they were great and wanted to share on here.
this is my new friend, demitri. it was great getting to know you!
and i had a ton of fun playing with paint!

i recommend that everyone get covered in paint at some point in life.
the end.


boys like mr....let's call him pacific {i have my reasons, thank you}...are more noticeable.
but, mr. pacific has been in a class with me all semester,
and i never really noticed him until today.
uhm, how is that even possible?

once again being one of those girls is a blessing
because i'm learning more and more about what my "type" is.
the truth?
i don't really have one.

the more time goes on, i realize that having a "type" is silly.
sure, standards and morals should be key when you're looking to give your heart away.
but a type sounds so particular and even petty.
anyhoo, mr. pacific is the polar opposite of mr. oregon.
but they're both handsome.
and they both make me wonder what mr. right will look like someday.

maybe i'm just wishful thinking because as i write this i'm watching the season finale
of the, maybe that plays into this... ;)
currently, lindsey & catherine are meeting sean's parents.
sean's dad has asked each of them: how do you know you're in love that that it will last
even before you get married?
i like sean's dad. so does ally {she's sitting here with me, of course!}

i don't know how to answer sean's dad's question, but perhaps i will someday.
and when i do, i promise i will tell!

but perhaps it starts with random acts of love...seriously, as random as they may be.
a friend of mine on the floor recently started dating a wonderful guy.
all of us girls approve, and the two of them are so smitten.
anyhoo, she came into my room yesterday with a story that just brought
me so much laughter.
mother nature paid her a visit this week and she was having weird cravings.
now, being playful as she usually is, she decided to tell her boy friend that she had
a strong craving for dirt.
as she said this with a serious look upon her face,
her boy friend looked at her with a quizzical expression...dirt?
yes, she replied. dirt.
so he went to his room, retrieved a ziploc bag, and walked outside the dorm to
collect her dirt. then he brought it back into the dorm where she was waiting, placed
it before her, and, well...she ate some.
actually, she was playing her craving so well that she convinced him to eat some too.
he found it gross, but he cares about her enough to support even her most bizarre cravings.
it took her about twenty minutes to confess that she was kidding.
nevertheless, her boyfriend collected dirt for her because of a craving.
dirt, everyone!
i mean, this pretty much just sums up caring for me. it's fantastic.

love is wonderful.
i miss it every single day.
i miss having someone to go and collect my dirt.
i miss someone loving me in spite of my dirt.
i miss the feeling of knowing that i love someone in spite of their dirt.

it isn't something to mope around about whatsoever.
it's just one of those things that passes through your stream of thoughts
as the days blur into one.

i have days where i want to own a kitchen just so i can slow dance with someone in it.
i have days where i want to cook someone a meal, and set the table, and eat with them.
i have days where i need to lay down and spill about my day to someone.
i have days where i want someone to stand on my side.
i have days where i want to walk into a room knowing that he's waiting for me.
i want butterflies and anticipation.
i want laughter and tears.
i want hopes and dreams.
i want dancing in a kitchen and singing in the car.
i want staying up and sleeping in.
i want a bit of norah jones and a bit of ben folds five.
i want secret handshakes and special code words.
i want morning jogs and late night ice cream runs.
i want to write him notes and receive cliche valentine cards in return.
i want to hold his hand in church and have a favorite restaurant together.
i want simple and imperfect.
i want to have "a song" and i want to lay around watching movies.
i want awkwardness and reality.
i want making up and growing up.
i want to wear his baseball cap, and learn all of his secrets.
i want flaws and quirks.
i want story telling and double dating.
but mostly, i want someone to collect dirt for me when i'm craving it.
because that, to me, is just the best of the best.

the end.

Monday, March 11, 2013

going against mom's opinion.

last night i was in no mood to eat leftovers at the school cafeteria. and for entire week i had been craving a burrito with a bag of yummy tortilla chips {thanks, mother nature}. so when dinner came around yesterday i decided to go and get myself something to eat. something that i knew i deserved. no one  wanted to go when i said that i really wanted mexican food so i walked to a restaurant by myself to get take out.
my meal was five bucks! {i'm skilled at being the best cheap date ever}
and i only had to wait a hand full of time for the food.
while i waited, i sat with a book and occasionally peered across the table.
there was an empty red seat which, at first, made me sigh and sort of feel a longing for that seat to be filled by someone else. preferably a member of the opposite sex.
but before i let myself dwell in the often-lonely feeling that comes with singlehood i reminded myself that someday, someday the seat will be filled.

and suddenly i was excited.
as i walked back to campus i swung my little to-go bag back and forth, and had a bit of a 
hum in my step. 
i figured that once that little red seat was filled...or any seat for that matter!...endless possibilities would follow.

once i returned to my dorm, i put on sweats, popped the perks of being a wallflower into my computer, and ate my entire five dollar meal. it was delightful.
when ally came in to say hello, she laughed at the mess i had made of my rice.
there i was, on the eve of a weekday, in my pajamas before seven pm, eating take out...
i laughed at myself, saying that i have officially entered that stage of life.
you know, the stage that begins in college and lasts into the years of twenty-somethings?
the stage where i officially become a woman and truly enter the realm of single-girl-hood.
rather than resenting this stage, i am fully embracing it.
{this is where my post title becomes relevant: my mom didn't want me posting anything about this because she says it might look desperate}.
do you know that i hate the word desperate?
i find it so derogatory when used in contexts relating to people without relationships!
i took joy in yesterday's little experience because it made me feel grown up.
i finally feel like i can relate to carrie bradshaw.
i finally feel old enough to attend college/young married groups at church.
i finally feel like i have a right to say, "i'm single"
because when someone says it in high school it just sounds so unnecessary.
i'm finally one of those girls that people write movies and books about.
i'm verging on becoming one of those girls that can joke with her friends about the men that come through their lives.
the kind of girl who learns her lessons, finds herself, and falls in love some day.
and, you want to know something?
sitting alone in my room, burrito in hand, watching a movie...
it was a great moment for me.
i'm becoming one of those girls with a clean slate.
no man,
no ties,
just me and some girls that i love.
not to mention mr. oregon who remains ridiculously handsome, and since he's older i'm left feeling very much like a little girl in a grownup's world, but that's certainly alright.
so here's my thought: i don't know a whole lot about life or relationships, but i am just dying to know more about being in love and finding mr. right.
i pray that when the time comes and i do meet him, i still have this blog.
because love is a beautiful thing to talk about.
i don't think that being one of those girls is desperate or pathetic.
i think that living life, young, and on the verge of being a twenty-something is so great.
it makes me think of an episode of sex and the city when carrie has a birthday and samantha welcomes carrie into her age box.
i'm not rushing my age box, but it feels very girly and very exciting to know that i have experiences ahead of me that will be beautiful, and perhaps even a bit heart breaking.
nevertheless, i will be there, pen in hand.



how i think i look, walking through campus, books in hand. ;)

Sunday, March 10, 2013

a little TLC.

i changed the header of my blog,
and since i recently changed my url,
i decided to also change my blogger name.
i'd been contemplating changing it and making it simpler
for some time now, and then while sitting here at my desk this
afternoon i decided to just use my first initial and change the title.
although i believe in my bucket list, my blog is more about my personal thoughts
rather than the things i am accomplishing off of my list. i have a few new topics that i
think will be fun to continue writing about, and so this new title is fitting. i love love love
blogging. expect me and my little blog to stick around this corner of the web for quite some more
time. i happen to be comfortable, and am so grateful for all of you who read along. every time my reader number goes up i feel so blessed that people actually take the time to peek over here. i love all
of you and wish you a happy sunday. the sun is gone over here in oregon but i'm going to use the cold to my advantage and snuggle up in a corner of a coffee shop with a tea or latte and write my heart out!


Saturday, March 9, 2013

i love homemade gifts.

i've been working on writing a book for some time now and i sent some of it to my very best friend. as a gift, she wrote me a little something. this is so sweet and it made me smile. she loves telling our "how we met" story, so i figured i'd post it on here.
besides, it's my blog and i can blog if i want to ;)

 WARNING: I am kind of embarrassed for you to read this. There is a ton of mistakes and I didn’t even proof read really. And I didn’t really write it very well. I just winged it!
      You know how sometimes when someone does something that you don’t normally do, and they do it so beautifully that it makes you want to try to do it? Well my best friend is a writer. She doesn’t just write little poems and stories…. She is a beautiful, eloquent writer. It is a passion of hers. Writing was actually one of the only things in school I was decent at and kind of liked; but I don’t really do very much of it for fun… And even when I do, it is nothing compared to hers. But lately she has inspired me. So I wanted to write something for her because she has shared with me so many beautiful things that she has written. So I thought the perfect thing to write for her would be the story of our friendship. Just to warn you, I am not a wonderful writer; I will probably make a lot of mistakes but this is just for fun and just for her.
     I can’t exactly remember when I met Madison, but I have known her longer than she has known me. The reason I knew her was because I knew the Pastor and the Pastor’s wife of the church she went to. I then moved to the same street of those pastors. My mom was friends with the wife before we even moved here though and Madison’s family was very close to the Pastor’s family. Even though my family attended another church here, we went to the church Madison attended a few times. One of the times we visited was to see a Christmas musical, and Madison was in it and I watched her the whole time because I thought she was pretty.
     A few years after that Christmas musical, Madison and I were in the same group at vacation bible school. We didn’t really talk but I remember she wore khaki capris pants, had very curly hair that was slicked into a ponytail, and was very shy. Then a few years after that, Madison’s pastor’s son got married in Colorado, so a couple weeks after the wedding they had a reception at their church and my family was invited. My mom bought me a black velvet outfit to wear. It was a little short sleeved black velvet jacket and a black velvet skirt. I felt fancy wearing it and was so excited I got to go to this reception since I was only in the 6th or 7th grade! All of a sudden I saw Madison standing with her mom. She was wearing a jean skirt and had her hair straight and in a little pouf. She looked so cute and like a teenager; suddenly my fancy outfit I was so excited about now felt like a Christmas outfit for a little kid. I knew in that moment she was the kind of person I wanted to friends with because she was very fashionable.
     Soon after that night her mom became my Spanish teacher at the homeschooling co-op I went to and our moms got to know each other. Madison didn’t go there but her little brother did. Well after I was homeschooled for 3 years I got sick of it and begged to go to public junior high for 8th grade. My parents granted my wish but as the first day got closer and closer, I got a pit in my stomach because I didn’t know anyone and I knew it was going to be scary and hard to make friends. So I started school and it was awful. The first day of school I ate alone under a tree. I cried. It was one of the hardest days of my life. Probably a week after I had started school my mom told me that Madison Cline would be transferring to my Junior High! I was so excited because she was coming from a private Christian school so I knew we’d be able to relate. 
     So two weeks into school Madison arrived and I was thrilled. Finally, after seeing this girl around for years I finally got to get to know her! We had a lot in common even though we were polar opposites. We both loved fashion and had art class together, we both had been home schooled, and we both had liked the same boy before we went to school together and even knew each other. But as I said, even though we had several things in common we were also very different. I was loud and had a lot of energy and she was shy and quiet. I was na├»ve and innocent and she was mature, smart, and experienced. She hung out with me at lunch and in art class but I got on her nerves. I don’t think she liked me very much but we both needed a friend. Time went on and she was better at making friends than I was; but we remained friends nonetheless. We were partners for the science fair and went to her house to work on it after school one day; it was the first time I went to her house! I was beyond excited to get to go! I hadn’t been invited to too many girls’ houses before… I can’t remember what we did our project on but I remember we covered our board in colorful polka dots! It was so cute! I also remember going into her room for the first time. It was lime green! And so hip and adorable! She had the color matched from a little leather green journal she had loved. She had white bedding that had pink, green, brown, blue, and purple polka dots all over. Her ceiling was sky blue with clouds all over it! She had nails nailed to the wall inside her closet and all of her necklaces were hanging from them. I thought this was the neatest thing so I took thumbtacks and tacked them all over my wall and put necklaces on them. I got yelled at by my dad, and it wasn’t nearly as cute as Madison’s but I tried. My favorite part of her room by far, was the dress form she had. It was white with white fur around the neck she pinned buttons to it. I was in love with that dress form! I was in love with her room.
     Time went on and as 8th grade ended we drifted away. Freshman year is a blur to me. But I remember we were close in the beginning. But I was a cheerleader and Madison had a thing against cheerleaders. We drifted away again… Then the end of freshman year came… And I said something dumb and mean to Madison. I regretted it so much. She didn’t talk to me the whole summer but I understood. Then sophomore year started and I was not a cheerleader that year. She still wasn’t talking to me. And I still understood. I would have been just as upset with me. But as the year progressed she forgave me and we became friends again!
            Then sophomore year, something happened… something terrible. A girl that we went to school with passed away…we were both devastated…we both wished to have known her better… Right after this girls passing, winter ball took place. Madison let me go with all of her friends in their group and I was so excited, besides the fact that everyone had dates except for me. When I got to Madison’s house to take pictures I was told her date had broken his wrist so we would be dateless together! So she was my date! The dance was okay. The night was coming to a close and there was one last song. It was Never Say Never by the Fray and they dedicated it to our friend. I remember Madison’s face went pale and she looked blank. I went to her and hugged her. That moment was a little peak into what the next 3 years would look like…
   Come the end of February, Madison and I were invited to a bible study held by the mother of the girl that passed away. We both had met her, and my mom was friends with her but since we weren’t really good friends with her daughter we had never been to the house… I remember the first day. I was so excited to get to know this woman. I arrived and Madison was there too. To summarize this period of time, Madison and I attended this bible study every single Thursday and started coming over to the house to hang out more and more. Madison and I started to get close because of bible study and we started hanging out more.
     One day Madison asked me to go on a walk with her and told me she had something to tell me. I was trying to rack my brain of what it could be. Finally we met at the end of my street dog leashes and dogs in hand and she told me… She told me she liked the woman’s son. That day was the beginning. Not too long after that they were dating… and once again Madison and I drifted a little because she now had a boyfriend and all I wanted was for her to be happy and I tried with everything I had to be happy for her but we had just started getting close and now we had to pause for a little while. But I would never give up on her or our friendship… one day the woman and I were in the car together and she told me that I was an incredible friend to Madison and that she was lucky to have me. It humbled me. I felt lucky to have Madison!
    Madison and the boy continued dating and things were going good. Around this time is when Madison and I got close again and this was probably the closet we had been up until this point. We told each other everything! We started going to youth group every Wednesday night and I loved it! It was just me, Madison, and Jesus. Sometimes another girl or two would come also but I was so excited! Besides Wednesdays I didn’t get to see Madison too much other than that so one day Madison said that before her and I went to youth group we could go to coffee together and I was so excited to have just Madison and me time! Well a week or so before this Madison was feeling like she might have to break up with the boy… And it just so happened that they broke up a few hours before Madison and I had our coffee date. She arrived to my house on the in tears. I held her the entire time she was on the phone while we sat in my driveway. That was the beginning of the heartache. She hung up and we still went to coffee and we just talked and talked and I loved getting to listen and be there for her.
    The next however many months it was, were horrible for Madison. But I stood by her side through all of it because I wanted to… and I loved her so much. I stayed in bible study and stayed friends with the family even though Madison didn’t... But she encouraged me to. Well pretty soon I had to walk away too… and it was one of the hardest things that I had to do… and I then knew exactly how Madison felt. We were alone together… We truly became best friends through this. We started our own Thursday night tradition since bible study was no more for us. Barnes and Target then filled up what would have been lonely and sad Thursday nights. For once in my life I felt like I understood someone and they understood me in return. Even though we had to go through so much pain, the friendship that blossomed out of that hardship was beautiful and something I will always treasure. Madison and I got through that time with God and each other…
     Then high school came to a close and Madison was ready to move on… from her past and from our hometown. She moved to Oregon to attend college. I was so sad and scared about her moving… I cried so much and for such a long time. But fast forward to now and Madison only has a couple months left of her freshman year and we are still best friends and still talk almost everyday.
This doesn’t really have an ending but I can’t wait until we both get married and are in each other’s weddings and we can tell this story. And who knows, maybe I’ll add more to this in the future!

love you, jules!