Sunday, March 31, 2013

and just like that my life is precisely an adele song.

this song has been around for quite a bit of time now.
and, well, when i first heard it in december of 2011 all i could think was,
"oh my god...please never let this become me."

it has.
quite literally, to be honest.
you know what i was thinking?
broken hearts are like zippers.
you can zip them all the way to the top,
but it's easy to zip them right back down,
exposing everything; allowing anything to fall out.
though eventually the zipper does get jammed or stuck somewhere.
hopefully it jams at the top,
keeping your heart in place for forever.

slowly, my zipper is becoming slower and slower.
it catches material, and therefore keeps from going down all of the way.
today just happened to be a day where it was completely pulled down, out of nowhere, and with no warning whatsoever.
no jam.
no hesitation.
full force pulled down and opened.
broken heart revealed. 

so, i stood there, zipper down
{as silly as this metaphor sounds}
and completely and utterly vulnerable.
i felt too young and immature.
i frantically looked away.
i felt like an intruder, i felt rude, pathetic even.

and yet, all i wanted to do was stretch out my hand.
i wanted to cry.
i wanted to say i was sorry over and over.
i wanted to say that i wished well upon everyone.
but, no one would believe me.

in all honesty, you guys?
i cried today.
i cried the other day too...a couple of times, actually.
i feel guilty when i still cry,
but then i tell myself what i tell others who is so normal. so human.

i hated that i stood alone today.
but i have hope that one day a young man will walk into my life,
take my world my storm,
and find himself loving sitting by my side in church.
some days i think, impossible. i blew my one shot.
but then i remember all of the love i still have, not only for those in my past but for those who have not yet entered my life,
and i think, god cannot possibly let this all go to waste.

so this is not one of my most cheeriest posts,
but F I N A L L Y i felt able enough to get something out.
for the past two days i have found myself struggling with ridding myself of pent up thoughts and emotions.
i tried two posts yesterday but nothing felt right.
even my book is on hold because i can't put my memories on to paper.
today, i feel like one big bag of thoughts and emotions.
and i'm frustrated. a bit sad. and completely nostalgic.
but jesus was raised from the dead today.
and the blessings from this alone are enough to out weigh any broken heart.
i think that god is clever with life.
today, when i felt most unjustified and humiliated,
christ died.
and that's all the justification in the world i need. 

i hope that everyone has a beautiful easter.
and, in spite of anything and everything, i hope that there is peace in what today signifies.



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