Wednesday, March 6, 2013

my own personal announcement.

as i'm piecing together the path that i will be taking these next six months,
i'm finding myself opening up more to ideas about who i am and what i should do.

as some of you know, i began college after leaving behind a terrible relationship.
and even up to now, i still find myself feeling defined by the negative repercussions of that relationship. when i came to college, i felt as though i was running away. however, as time went on i came to the realization that running from something was actually me running towards something.

well, all throughout this current semester i have had countless people tell me to just let go.
be young. be free. be eighteen. don't worry. you cant control this.

so i have been striving hard to do these things.
and, slowly, i have been making progress.

you see, when i came to fox i had so many passions.
and i felt a strong desire to major in something that would lead me into the ministry.
i knew that i was passionate about people.
i knew that i was passionate about writing.
i knew that i was passionate about travel.
i knew that i wanted to work with trafficked victims.
i knew that i wanted to be obedient to god.

but with all of this passion came an unwavering fear.
to say that i was terrified to disobey god
{as i had almost done with my relationship} 
would have been an understatement.
so for the first semester of college i worked on healing,
but after a while i found myself feeling trapped. 
i looked around at people who were passionate about what they were doing
and i was so jealous.
hell, i was jealous of the people who confidently said that they had no idea what they wanted to do.
i asked god over and over, what do you want from me? why do i feel restrained? why am i not passionate?

the day i left to come back to school for second semester, i sat outside of starbucks and cried to my parents. actually, i'm ashamed to say that i was feeling more like having a tantrum.
i didn't want to go back. i didn't want to study the bible. i didn't want to be uncomfortable.
fast forward eight or so weeks and here i am.
following those tears at starbucks, i began to pray that god would either give me an option so that i felt i had made a choice based on my desires {it sounds so selfish, but i needed to choose him, not feel like he made me choose}, or that he would change my heart.

it's safe to say that he's done both.
i still feel uncomfortable most days, but im beginning to feel thankful for whatever makes me uncomfortable. the homesickness is long gone and i've slowly been able to get back into the swing of school....even if it's half way over.
and now i have a decision to make:
which university do i want to attend for the next three years?
i feel so blessed to have been given the choice and i do feel like god's tapping his foot and looking at me with an eyebrow raised asking, "here's your choice, now are you going to trust that i will guide you through either one?"

but, he didn't just stop here. 
i've also begun to feel more and more free, every single day from things of the past that bound me.
and...for my small announcement {that no one really cares about but me and mom and julia}....

i'm either going to double major with writing,
or minor in creative writing.
my passion for writing has absolutely exploded here at fox and i find myself
buried in words much too often.
but i love it.
it's the one way i know how to truly express myself,
and honestly, it's my way of art.
no matter the university i attend, i want to begin to make writing a priority.
straying from the path of "ministry" seemed so wrong but now i see that i was over thinking 
and perhaps writing has a bigger part to play in my life than on this blog / in my journals.