Monday, April 29, 2013

mr. oregon

so today i admitted to mr. oregon that last night he looked ridiculously handsome.
because he truly looked ridiculously handsome.
anyways, when i said it i began to feel my face warm up,
and it just so happened that his, too, turned red as he fumbled over his
thank you's.

mr. oregon made me sad that i'll be leaving this place.
actually, i was already feeling a bit sad.
i feel like newberg wasn't shown to me at its finest.
like i missed out on the quirks of this little town.
anyways, i'm sad. i'm so blessed and excited to begin a new chapter,
but i feel like just now people are beginning to come into my life
and it's too late...

mr. oregon sat across from me and looked me in the eye and asked
"so are you leaving...or are you staying...?"
and i had to reply, "i just withdrew..."
and my heart sank.
he reassured me that i was doing the right thing.

because i am.
but the right thing hurts a bit.

mr. oregon sat across from me,
blue eyes bluer than ever.
{they just about killed me, i swear}.
he talks low and his voice is even.
maybe it's the way he dresses,
because he dresses so well.
or maybe its the way he carries himself.
yes, it's the way he carries himself.

mr. oregon is totally okay with eating alone.
usually he carries a book or an assignment around with him.
he's serious and intense at first...though the minute he begins to talk
nothing but kindness comes from his words.
he has a quiet demeanor...he doesn't require attention and he isn't one to ask for much.

he plays music,
and is passionate about god's word.
and in class he writes all over his notes and in his journal.

those bursts of words of inspiration...they're only something that we writer's understand.

anyways, mr. oregon is handsome, and simple, and seems like he has so much to say.
and all i wanted to do before i left was sit there and listen.
but it's too late.
because even though i'm still physically here,
i've been gone for quite some time now.

but if someone would have asked,
i would have stayed.


last night was a success.

i had many moments of forgetting some of the heavy things.
i embraced my youth and swallowed my shyness.
and i had the best date ever.

here are some pictures taken by one of our ra's on brandon's camera.
happy studying!
i know my week will be filled with studying for art, new testament, and piano.

i am going to miss so many wonderful individuals. 

Sunday, April 28, 2013

dance dance dance.

i'm going to a spring formal tonight,
and to say that i am an awful dancer would
be an understatement.
i swear i have two left feet.

anyways, my stomach is in knots as
i think about the prospect of dancing in a room
filled with fellow students. wasn't two proms enough?!
anyways, i've literally been watching dance scenes
such as 16 candle's and the perks of being a wallflower,
all in attempt to gain a bit of ease.

i know, i sound soooo dramatic,
but this is an actual fear of mine!
i mean, can't we all just go adventuring through portland or something?!

i'll definitely be reporting back on how it goes.
at least i'll be in good company!

Saturday, April 27, 2013

my right arm and my mind full of memories.

i've been wanting a tattoo for years.
and i have specifically wanted the same
tattoo for about three of those years.

a colorful, little sparrow on my right arm.
my friend izzy and i have been talking about
them lately...the tattoo i want and the tattoo she wants.

anyhoo, i figure since i've wanted the same thing for
a few years that it's probably just fine for me to get it.
so that's one of the things on this summer's bucket list.

i was talking to someone on a recent trip back home
and they suggested a little place in santa cruz.
i love santa cruz, especially this little hole in the wall
sandwich shop downtown.
i guess when the weather's right and i have some free
time i'll make my way over the mountain to that pretty little place
and get myself a sparrow and a sandwich.
because all i really want right now is summer time and a tattoo.

there's a few others i'd like to get some other time, but i think
that the sparrow is fitting, especially during this new transition in my life.

i went through a lot in middle school that caused me to think a certain
way about myself, and such thinking could have caused me my life.
i still deal with those things now..i've learned that somethings will forever stay with you in life.

but god intervened, as he always seems to do in my life, and i will
always look at my right arm...the one that allows me to write and to express myself...
and i will know that god spared it, and that he blessed it.
and i'd like to look at it and see something beautiful and meaningful to me.
i don't care if i grow old with it, because i'll grow old with my memories and with
my stories anyways.

well, that's all for now.
five more days and mom and dad will be here.
my room is growing hollow, as i take pieces of myself
down from the walls.
at random moments i imagine myself hugging oregon,
breathing in this spring air, observing the greenery, and memorizing the faces of those i've grown accustomed to, and the ones i have even grown to love.


Friday, April 26, 2013

i took oregon in today,

because exactly one week from this very moment i will
no longer be in newberg, oregon.
sure, i'll come back to this place.
but i'm certain when i say that the likelihood of me
ever living here is slim to none.

anyways, i tagged along with some friends today and
we went to the docks that are out on a lake {or a river,
the girls kept calling it a river}.

i didn't go into the water because i'm not a huge fan or murky water.
on the docks laid other fox students...older ones.
and us freshmen girls decided to skip the crowd to go and find
a rope swing, and a more isolated spot.

upon arriving to this little spot, i decided to take in everything,
and this is what i observed...

upon the horizon of the gloomy water were thick rows of
oregon grown trees. thick colors of green stretched up and down,
above and below. stacked upon each other with tired branches and signs of age.

a bridge had gotten caught up in the distance, some many years ago.
it's shape felt imbalanced, ill-fitting to my view.

the girls around me laughed and swam about in the water.
i watched and laughed as they dared to go higher into the tree.
quirky conversation and bits of nostalgia filled the air.

to my right, and beyond a branch were the voices of other people.
people i now recognize, but could never call by name.
and there i was.
my feet sank beneath the clay of this oregon earth.
the cold water turned my feet numb.
the sun burnt into my shoulders as if saying, i've missed you. see, i'm still here.

i grew thirsty as the heat wore on, but i found myself grateful for the sun's consuming feel.
summer was coming, it was evident even in the little town that always seems to rain.

it soon dawned on me that i will look back on this day for a long while.
nine months ago i could no list the names of the girls that now stood before me.
for most of them, i still can't tell you their middle name, their favorite color, or the boy they like most.
i can't say that i have some bond with them that will last a life time,
but i can say that their names will never leave me because in this moment today i loved where i was at.

dirty feet,
matted hair,
gritty hands,
and the taste of warm sun.
i was enveloped and in awe of where i was.
it was just a small body of water,
with some people i may never see again.
and yet it was a small moment, past some old railroad tracks located in a little town in oregon
that made me touch the earth a bit.

i felt for only a moment, a twinge of regret for leaving this place.
and as mr. oregon walked past me at dinner, seemingly looking my way,
i had was necessary, for me to wonder what life would be like if i suddenly chose to stay.

s o p h o m o r e .

i am nearing the last page of this chapter.
freshmen classes are over.
i am not to be a "freshmen" ever again...
well...until grad school ;)
because i have totally decided that my next
goal in my academic career is grad school.
and perhaps i'll even get my doctorate someday.
but let's just pass this week's finals, please?


Thursday, April 25, 2013


so i officially withdrew myself from george fox university.
who would have thought?
i had to agree to giving up financial aid and all of this important stuff.
i suppose that's the reason why i hesitated in withdrawing for so long.
but the deed is done.
and as of right now i am not enrolled in university anywhere.

it's a weird in-between, but my sights are still high for all
that next semester holds.


and this girl is just about ready to go to bed and sleep for a summer.

i don't always know what to say when people come to me needing advice.

i don't think my advice is beneficial anyways.

i no longer know how to put up with petty complaints and nagging and negativity.

i lock my door and typically refuse to open it because i just can't do it today. or yesterday. or maybe any other day this week, as well.

if anyone was able to read my mind these past two days, it would probably sound a lot
like the mind of a sailor or two. not even i was impressed with the words i was concocting.

i'm starting to view my memories as dirty, old clothes. they're stuffed in my drawers,
taking up space and getting filth everywhere. i imagine myself throwing them out and never remembering again.

i woke up with an infection on my face that i've been getting since i was twelve years old.
my school told me that they called the pharmacist...which never ended up happening.
i sat there at walgreens for forty five minutes watching as the pharmacist tried to figure out
who i was and if i even had health insurance.

in that moment i thought to myself: she knows nothing about her eyes i'm just a student who can't prove that she has the right insurance or that she even went to a doctor.

and a part of me liked sitting in that chair: being nobody.

no one was looking for me, no one knew me, and i could sit and breathe and be anybody i wanted to be.

all i want is a slurpee, and some time with my mom.
yeah, these past two days call for some well spent mom & daughter time.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

"first day of my life"

this is the first day of my life
i swear i was born right in the doorway
i went out in the rain
suddenly everything changed
they're spreading blankets on the beach...

...yours is the first face that i saw
i think i was blind before i met you
now i don't know where i am
i don't know where i've been
but i know where i want to go.

// bright eyes

it was sunny today.
but i still wanted to go somewhere else.
i wanted to take an airplane.
i wanted to sit outside of a coffee shop and order a shot of espresso.
i wanted to sit and talk with a stranger.
i wanted to write about that stranger.
i wanted to walk down an unfamiliar street and peer into the windows of shops.
i wanted to meet a handsome fellow for dinner.
and talk about how marvelous my day was.
and we would laugh, and he would listen,
and then he would talk and i would take my turn as listener.
there would be a piano and he would ask me to dance to just one song,
and i would decline, but the sincerity in his smile would bring me to my feet.
when the evening closed he would walk me home,
kiss me goodnight,
and marvel at the day that had brought us together.


Monday, April 22, 2013

so beautiful today.

everything outside is clear...vivid...vibrant.
i cannot stop myself from repeatedly looking
over my shoulder and out my window.
i feel like pinching myself just to see if this
sunshine is real. it's been more than half a day and
i have yet to see a single cloud.
i cannot recall the last time i literally could not see
one single cloud up in the sky.

i was buried in the library for a short while earlier,
and upon exiting through its doors i saw the little clusters,
and even crowds, of people out on the quad.
a visitor to oregon and the campus would just assume that this was
a typical college day.
another onlooker might simply assume that something exciting was happening.
but it's safe to say that we students all know that it's the weather that is causing these crowds.

can you believe that i only have four days left of classes?
not one bit of me is begging time to slow its pace.
no, i'm ready to run through these two weeks with full force.
but it's not like you guys didn't know that or anything ;)

all day i've been noting the change in people.
they're smiling more.
i can hear the echoes of laughter booming up the canyon.
guys and gals mingle,
and it's easy to tell that the gals feel pretty because so many of them
brought out their spring bests today.
dresses and skirts and sandals and t-shirts worn by everyone!
it's like i've stepped into california territory or something.

spring is definitely in the air.
and i'm enjoying watching those around me catch it.
i, on the other hand, am planning on summer being a time
of quiet, and newness, and bits of adventuring.
i cannot wait to begin nannying in two weeks.
i miss my kiddos, and can hardly wait to have them climbing everywhere and telling me stories and asking me questions and teaching me how to be five and ten years old again.

i'm also looking forward to lots of reading,
even some baking! {because i've been keeping tabs on yummy treats}
oh, and let's not forget...r o m a n i a .
these next four months are kind of a big deal to me,
though i hope that they remain simple and nutritional to this phase of my life.

all that said, i'm ready to pack up my stuff,
simplify everything at home,
read a lot,
drink lots of tea,
see lots of beautiful faces,
write about new places,
and do my best at nannying to four amazing littles.


Saturday, April 20, 2013

the night of the single girl.

i spent part of my evening bonding with the girls from my romania team.
we had a house to ourselves so, with food spread out before us,
we sat around on the floor and laughed and laughed,
and even poured bits of our hearts out to one another.

i love each of them so much, and for different reasons.
i felt blessed to spend just that bit of time with them talking
and even watching a movie {perks of being a wallflower!}

anyways, my friend drove me home around 10:30 and i walked
into an empty room. i have the room to myself for the weekend,
so i decided to make the best of it.
first, i attempted a load of laundry...but the washers and dryers were full
{boo for community wash rooms!}
i then decided to pick out an outfit to wear to church tomorrow.
{i swear, i go to a church with the prettiest people}
and as i was ironing, and in between cleaning my room and
dumping out my trash, i decided to facetime julia.

i think it was somewhere between throwing my hair into
a messy bun, putting on a pair of boxers, and breaking out
the ironing board that it occurred to me that i really was
"living the single life."
and, can i admit something?
i loved it.
i loved opening up the door and knowing that i could throw my stuff anywhere.
i loved opening up my window to let the fresh, oregon air in.
i loved trying on outfits just because,
and then breaking out the snacks.
i loved talking to a friend even though it's late at night.
{for me, anyways}

i have few belongings,
and little money to my name.
after college i will be thousands and thousands of dollars in debt.
i may, or may not, be in a relationship,
but i know one thing is for sure:
my independence is well established and i flourish in it.

there's a wonderful feeling of making friends with late hours of the night
just because you can.
it's even a bit invigorating to know that i can do whatever i want.
now, if only i had a television and a tube of ice cream because
i would definitely be watching some late night chelsea lately
while indulging in a ridiculous amount of dessert.

i think that tonight was good for me.
a good step anyways.
i'm one that loves to be alone, but on my own timing.
i have to be completely in control.
it must be me saying "no, i'm not going to come along"
or, "i'd rather be alone."
if not, then i feel like the silence of an empty room has chosen for me.

can i admit another secret?
i am terrified of being alone with my thoughts for even a little while.
since i was thirteen years old, i've struggled with various things...
feelings that are too big, and thoughts that are too eerie.
anyways, since that age, i've been scared to even hear what i truly think
when it's late at night and i can't find sleep.

so, finding enjoyment out of a bit of absence is a good thing.
and besides, i fell asleep with fitzgerald last night and it was magical.


a blogger i love said this:

it takes a long time for an exceptional person to be made. 

and i think it's so true.
at least it's what i keep telling myself.
even on my most off days.
i'm currently watching the perks of being a wallflower...again.
because it's awesome.
and i laugh at how much i relate to the main character.

this is meg.

Friday, April 19, 2013

silly like that.

a handsome boy walked past me this evening.
usually i see him when i get my water from
the soda fountain.

he's blond, not very tall, and athletic, nonetheless.
i've heard a thing or two about him.
but i know nothing other than his name and that he plays a sport.

anyways, tonight as he passed me by he said "i like your scarf."
my friends and i laughed as we walked past, and after i had said thank you.
in the distance i could hear a friend of his make some sort of sarcastic remark.

there's not a single thing that is significant about this compliment other than
the fact that these oregonian boys have been redeemed just a bit in my eyes.
the boys that i have encountered here have all been shy. they don't quite take the
hint and they lack determination and nerve.
although, mr. pacific was a breath of fresh air...though i blame his experience
on having lived in southern california.

nonetheless, an oregon boy spoke up tonight because he supposedly liked my nordstrom scarf.
as silly as that is, because no boy has ever complimented my scarf.
but it gave me a hardy laugh and made for excellent conversation among my two friends and i as we walked away.

and what was more perfect...the sun had come out.
i suppose it was a taste of what it will be like when
i'm back in my california territory with forward, california boys.
i can just see the warm, sunny nights now ;)


i remember when i broke my first boyfriend's heart.
we were one of "those" couples...the ones that talk about
marriage and babies and whatnot.
we both believed in the relationship,
and i loved him more than anyone...
and yet in my heart, i had places to go and things to see.
i was in love with him,
but i downright loved the idea of moving around.

he had dreams of moving around too, though his character
is one that loves to have a settled place. he likes stability and consistency,
at least he used to. and he's family oriented, therefore he loves to live close to them.
i was younger, more immature. i hadn't yet received my shot to move away.
i didn't mind the idea of relocating.

i remember when i broke his heart.
we were in a parking lot.
both of us were crying, and i had already begged him
to consider the idea of leaving with me one day
so that we could settle elsewhere, away from his pain and memories.
he had said that he couldn't leave his family,
and i understood.
so i decided to pick myself up
and get the hell out of the state.

it hurt him.
and it hurt me too.
anyways, we were in a parking lot, and out of anger
he said a lot of things.
but one thing in particular that i have never forgotten is
something that will stain me forever.
he expressed his concern for my inability to stay in one place.
he asked how i would ever commit to a person and place.
this angered me, but he was right.

i drove away that rainy, sunday afternoon.
i cried and cried.
for him, for us, for me.

when i decided to leave fox, the man i once loved came to my mind.
his words ring loud in my ear each time someone asks if i'm transferring.
will you ever be able to commit, madison? i'm so scared for you.

i packed my first box today.
i'm leaving this little dorm exactly two weeks from
this very hour.
and in a few months i'll pack more boxes and move to southern california,
a place i said i would never live in.
but here i am, moving.

i never thought i'd move to oregon...but i did.
i never thought i'd move to so-cal...but i am.
and now i'll never say never because there's a list
of places i'd like to live.
i have an unwavering feeling that i will
pack a multitude of boxes and suitcases throughout this
life of mine.
but my ex got it right, i'm not one to really stick around for long.
i figure i'm nineteen, i'm in love with the idea of travel and foreign places.
my outlook on life has altered within these four walls and i'm ready
for a larger space.
a pasture for me to roam.

i think about him everyday. just small thoughts,
especially now since home is so close.
i assume that he'd roll his eyes at my deciding to move
away from oregon.
but then i'd roll my eyes at the thought of any man having an opinion
of my life other than my father.

i'm moving.
i've learned so much here, and i've loved so much here.
but i'm ready to learn and love more.
always moving.
everywhere i go.

Thursday, April 18, 2013


i took my first spring semester final nearly two hours ago
and since then i have been completely and utterly unable to
find the motivation to do anything productive with myself.

i hate to admit it, but i have been vigorously searching for
a dress to wear next sunday to the spring formal.
a very sweet friend of mine (sam) came to my room last
night and asked me to the formal.
i detest dancing of any sort was sam. and he's awesome.
and the dance is on my last sunday here.

the fray, ungodly hour and never say never have been playing in the background,
i've been stuffing my face with chocolate,
and a letter to my parents has been running through my mind.
{as well as my indecisiveness with finding a dress!}

life is good, though.
i was off a bit this morning.
remember that boy that tried to kiss me two weeks ago?
well, it's like i no longer exist when i see him around here and there.
but i want him to know that i'm still here. and that i wish him well.
and that it's such a shame that timing and i never quite get it right.
but boys are silly, anyways.
and as much as a bit of rejection hurts, i'm trying to focus my attention
onto things that chocolate ;)

i don't know the purpose behind this post,
other than i just got off of the phone with my parents and
my dad said "unfortunately, you're exactly like me."
and it was the best thing my dad has ever said to me, aside from "i love you."

i've always wanted to be like this man.
he has the writing skills i envy.
and he's the one guy that i'm going to give a damn about for a long while...and that's fine by me.

p.s. i had to post this song. it's so beautiful. and so relevant to my life.


when the sun comes out

it brings a hope that anything and everything is absolutely possible.
and when that sunshine fades away, it's the darndest thing to remember that
all of that possibility hasn't faded away either. 

In a field, I am the absence of field. This is always the case. Wherever I am, I am what is missing. When I walk, I part the air and, always, the air moves in to fill the spaces where my body's been. We all have reasons for moving. I move to keep things whole. // Mark Strand

this was monday.
the sky broke right here.
though, from the picture, you could never tell
that circling round this patch of blue was a grey that seems to never cease around these parts.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

a song from a boy.

mr. oregon is sweet and serious all in one.
and when he smiles at you, it's quite possible to feel
like a million bucks.
and you wonder, and wonder, and wonder
about his talents and thoughts.

i walk a thin line between saying too much and nothing at all.
but today, today i was tempted to ask what his thoughts were.
instead, music lyrics and words ran aimlessly through my head.
i was swallowed by shyness.
but he wished me well when we went our separate ways.
and i smiled in return and watched as he walked off.
a mystery of a man, leaving me with jumbled up words and yearning for conversation.
leaving me with a twinge of regret for leaving this little town in oregon.
he belongs here - an eclectic piece of handsomeness and charm.
a brief, if even a suitable amount of time, memory for the books.

so as i made my way back to my dorm, i was plagued with more
lyrics...lyrics that don't quite make sense, but for now they sum everything up.

i feel it in my bones,
i feel it in my bones.
i'm stronger now,
i'm ready for the house,
such a modest mouse.

i will forever love me some vampire weekend.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013


it's little moments,
here and there when
we catch each other's eyes from
across the room, or run into one another at random.

maybe it's just me,
or maybe you think it's just you,
but in that moment is a glimmer of chemistry.
a hint of butterflies,
and a multitude of nerves.
and it makes me wonder if you wonder as well.

but if it's all in my imagination,
then that is where i'll stay.
because running into you is magical
either way.


everyday is going faster.
so much to do, so little time.

Monday, April 15, 2013

a special day.

it's my best friends birthday.
she's wonderful.
i am blessed by her.

i wish you all of the happiness,
and shopping that you can possibly attain today.
enjoy san francisco, jules!


Sunday, April 14, 2013

hi, sunday.

i've been sitting here for almost two hours now working away
on my psychology substitute final, i suppose you could call it.
anyways, it's very long and somewhat boring.
i'd rather be reading or watching a movie or writing at a coffee shop.
but hey, there's only T E N days of school work left so it doesn't make
much sense to complain now.

it's funny, i am currently writing a portion of this project on ring by spring.
the ring by spring part is simply my opening thought - the overall portion is
based off of the concept of proximity...blah blah blah.
basically my text book states that the more you are around people,
i mean, even the closer you are physically (like, let's say sitting alphabetically
in a classroom), the more likely you are to be close friends with those individuals.
it says that this comes into play with friendships and marriage.

okay, i literally feel like this rambling of my psych project is officially
making this the most boring blog post ever. but i'm fourteen pages in and
only half way there! yippee!
not to mention i just finished up a three {not too bad} page paper on
the muratorian canon.
i have five {very extensive} articles to read and then write f i v e individual
reviews about for new testament literature.
i have a psychology project due very soon on the study of children who lose
a sibling, and the grief that they face and the way that their upbringing changes, etc.
i have a paper due on discipling, and one due on international ministry.
i have an art review due.
a piano quiz tomorrow.
i life fitness final on thursday
{i barely passed high school p.e...i'm kind of freaking out for this one!}
all other pieces of homework.
and then F I N A L S  W E E K.

have mercy on me.
i'm sorry for complaining.
if you've read this far, bless you.
i do love school, actually.
and i feel somewhat productive
so i'm not freaking out...
yet. ;)

anyhoo, after sitting for hours on end at a desk,
the internet becomes your best friend.
have you guys seen this video?
i laughed so much.
it brings a bit of comic relief when you find yourself immersed in a psychology book.

for all of you who are studying today, i wish you the happiest studying!
and for those of you just enjoying your sunday...well, i wish i were you!


Saturday, April 13, 2013

the scariest thing to EVER happen to me.

okay, that title is a tad bit of an exaggeration, 
BUT, for a moment i thought
this could be it! this could ruin me! gasp!

i don't quite know how it happened...
leave it to me to sit in a broken chair.
there was a break in the side of the chair i was 
sitting in tonight in the cafeteria.
there i was, sitting at a table with some of the
members of my missions team. i went to scoot my chair
into the table, and...BAM.
three of my middle fingers got stuck between a piece of metal and
a piece of plastic on the broken side of the chair. 
at first i was shocked by the pain and then, well, i freaked out.

long story short, for about thirty or forty seconds, my fingers were jammed
in this crack and i whaled and cursed as i tried to free myself.
my friends kyle and patty jumped up to help me, as some others sitting around
just stared at the commotion i was making.

it was the longest duration of seconds. ever.
i felt like my fingers were slowly being sliced off.
all i could think was, call the freaking fire department.
free me from this stupid chair.
what if i can never write again??!!?
yeah, my thoughts were that dramatic.

anyhoo, finally my hand was freed, and now my middle
finger is all swollen and my hand has been curled in a fist all evening.
but the campus pastor helped me clean my hand up, which totally helped.
she's kind of an awesome person.

well, i let out one too many curse words, which i felt embarrassed about,
but hey, i'm still working on improving my vocabulary ;)

 it all ended up being a great night. we had our missions
banquet where my team and i  were able to see a video of romania.
words cannot begin to describe my excitement for romania and moldova.
i just want to see bucharest and chișinău and galați already!
and meet all of the wonderful people.

recently i've been asked the same question repeatedly,
what do you want to do?
well, i want to write, and travel, and work with missions teams and organizations, and teach, and specialize in working with trafficked girls. 
i don't care how simple life is, or how little pay i make, or the dangers that may find me.
i just want to serve, always. and love, 
and be impacted by beautiful people who too often go unknown.
tonight i could feel a love that god has planted in my heart.
it's starting to feel as though it's bursting within me.
it's a love and compassion that i've never felt before -
it's a feeling of just wanting to move. go. live. serve.
i look around myself, and i feel blessed for the life that i've been given,
and yet i am restless in the comforts that surround me.

i long to be in an unfamiliar place with people who have hurt.
this feeling will never leave me unless i go.
i wish i could just be on that plane already so that i could
see what god's plans are all about.
swollen middle finger and all ;)

the end.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

"I think so."

-"Most people are together just so that they are not alone. But some people want magic. I think you are one of those people."
-"Is something wrong with that?"
-"Nothing. But it doesn't happen all of the time."
-"Does it ever happen?"
-"First of all, you must find love and happiness in yourself. Do you understand?"
-"I think so."

the film, Broken English

i really loved this movie.
i happened upon it randomly.

obviously since this is my third post
i'm dealing with some major procrastination over
here in these parts. i have papers, projects, and exams
to be focusing on. but, in typical madison fashion, my
mind is elsewhere and nowhere in my academics to be found.

currently: i am desperately missing my typewriter.
there's something about feeling a great sense of inspiration
and implementing that inspiration onto a typewriter while your ideas click permanently away.

this was my favorite scene in the whole movie.
i was literally sitting at the edge of my seat talking to the 
computer screen and hoping and laughing and clapping and not knowing what was going to happen next.
i suppose you'll just have to watch to find out ;)
oh, and this scene is in paris.
me and my paris infatuation, let me tell you. 

i'm in love with any & all parisian elopements.

and because i'm so in love with them,
i've officially decided that if/when my
big day comes, this is what i want to do.
i mean, i'm sure my guy won't mind
throwing away all that wedding stress
that i've seen so many people have.
and traveling is something he'll
probably love,'s kind of necessary.

paris is magical.
expect more of these videos.

on my insta.

for {literally} the past many weeks.
i'm ashamed of the little amount of pictures i take.


 the view of beautiful irvine.
my new home. 

Tuesday, April 9, 2013


i watched about five or six movies this weekend,
something i don't usually do.
anyways, i. loved. it.
being lazy...
choosing the next movie...
it was great.

and after reading a little bit
of one of my favorite blogs,
i came across three other movies to add to my list.

the three movies are mentioned here.
{i love this blogger's posts so much that i always feel the need to share!}
i am so excited now.

the end.

Monday, April 8, 2013


it's my birthday today.
i don't care much for it.
it doesn't make me extra happy or anything.
i'm kind of an awkward person so the
acknowledgement from others that this
day brings only enhances my awkwardness.
at least that's how i feel.

the whole concept of a birthday is funny to me.
when i think of the birthdays of those whom i love
i feel such gratitude for their life. i want to spoil
them and jump up and down for them.
for me, it's just another day.
though hearing from loved ones is very nice.

i always wondered how my first birthday away
from home would feel. it's a lot quieter than it
would be at home. i didn't tell people it was going
to be my birthday, so there hasn't been any
awkward 'happy birthday' encounters.
there's no cake and candles,
or breakfast, or presents on the kitchen table.
{though my friend rachel left me some lovely
treats on my bed which i thought were so wonderful}
i'll spend the rest of my afternoon studying for classes.
and then i'll eat dinner in a cafeteria, surrounded by the
girls i love so dearly.

nineteen sounds like a pretty good age to me.
not too old and not too young.
plenty of time to screw up and plenty of
time to learn more and more lessons.

i don't know what nineteen will bring me
but i'm excited that god blessed me with
another year to be with those i love
and to discover more about life.

to all you other april 8th birthdays,
i wish you a wonderful day
and a fantastic year.


Sunday, April 7, 2013

that feeling.

you know that feeling
the one where something
happens and your heart stops?

the one where your heart beats
faster faster faster.
so quick that it builds up and into your throat.
you feel like your stomach is turning,
and suddenly there is a sinking feeling to it all.

it could be a name your hear,
or a conversation. or a picture you see.
it's a feeling that comes on suddenly and
shatters all prior feelings of normalcy.

suddenly, you wish your heart would stop
for just a split second.
your eyes well up and you can't sit still.
all you want is to see and to speak with
the one person that's making your heart sink
down down down.

sleep is no longer possible,
and your thoughts are on one hundred.
it's cold, and it's raw, and it's entirely familiar.
yet, you somehow cannot comprehend the fact that
you feel such away again.

because, what you're feeling within your bones
are the beginning pangs of a breaking heart.
when emotions falter,
and the feeling of love is silenced.
and sleep is no more,
and two becomes just one.

suddenly, you enter the realm
of mr. darcy and mr. rochester.
and you find yourself to be
a jane or an elizabeth.
prior to the happy endings, anyways.

the end.

eyes wide open.

today my romania team and i spent the day with one another.
we began the morning at a romanian church service where
we sat through worship and a sermon that were conducted in the romanian language.

i hadn't ever heard the language in person so i didn't quite know
what to expect. i suppose i expected it to sound german or even russian,
but instead it was similar to spanish and so very beautiful.

the people at the church were kind and gracious
and it made me even more excited to meet more romanians
and even moldovans!

after that we all ate lunch at an indian restaurant.
it was fun trying new food with our team.
everyone on my trip is so unique and wonderful.
i'm finding more and more that the dynamic of
our group is special and absolutely on point.

finally, we spent the rest of the afternoon at
a beautiful, touching exhibit.
it had a major impact on me and totally
represents what i want to do with some of my life.

the moldovan portion of the exhibit was probably
my favorite because i will actually be there in about
two months. how insane is that!?

the images of the children reminded me of where this
dream of mine came from in the first place.
it was one single picture of a couple of ethiopian
children in the underground sewers, hiding out from
sex traffickers and huffing glue that impacted me enough
to go out and travel in the first place.

anyways, i love my romania/moldova team and i am
so excited to go to the two countries with them.
i pinched myself through the whole exhibit
i get to go out and help...
i get to do something...
this isn't just a dream anymore, it's reality.

happy sunday.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

i had to. he's adorable.
i saw this here.

you're welcome.

since i'm procrastinating, let's talk about yesterday...and this morning.

i had one of those mornings.
okay, okay, i've been having one of those twenty-four-hour moments
where everything in the whole world seems to be going entirely wrong.

it all started off yesterday morning.
yesterday's classes were average, but average
is good in most ways and to certain extents, so i really
had nothing to complain about.

class got out by 10:30, and after watching a movie i had
lunch with ally and then spent an hour practicing piano
{one of my favorite past times}.

but somewhere in between the pizza at lunch
and the time i headed back to my dorm from practice
something went terribly wrong.

i don't know how it happened, or if it was waiting to happen all day long,
but i found myself somewhere around five thirty pm struggling to get anything right.

mother nature came and ruined my outfit,
therefore i had to change clothes and then walk in the pouring rain to the store
which then soaked and winded me entirely.
upon arriving back i spilled my chai tea everywhere.
most of the girls were either with friends, out of town, or with
their boyfriends.
and there i was in my wet clothes, a puddle of chai before me,
a stack of homework on my desk, and no one around to laugh about the whole thing with me.

so, i did what any girl does in a moment like that:
i called my momma.

i cried and sat on the floor.
i told her that i didn't know why i ever moved so far away.
i told her i never should have spent four dollars on a chai that i
couldn't afford.
i told her that i had no idea mother nature was about to strike.
i told her i wanted to take in-completes on my classes and move the hell out.
i told her that i mostly felt lonely, and that i was fed up with not having someone around,
that i missed the affirmation that comes with having a gentleman in your life.

so she let me wallow in self pity {because, really, that's all it was}
i woke up feeling even more grumpy
and took my anger out on the elliptical.
and then on mom {which i'm not proud of}.
i told her that i knew i was only eighteen but that this period
of alone time has been more difficult than i could have ever imagined.
i cursed every happy couple
and swore under my breath.

i told myself i'd go to breakfast alone and then spend the afternoon
studying for classes i no longer cared about. so i said.

and as i approached the building where i eat my meals, a friend named amy approached
me. i wondered where her boyfriend andrew was but didn't think much else of it.
a few minutes later, after inviting amy to sit with me, andrew came along.
here i am, relationship-less, sitting here with this adorable couple, i thought.
but, do you know something?
sitting with them was wonderful. they made me laugh.
i loved the way they interacted with one another, and the way he looked at her.
they have that best-friend connection.
and suddenly, i didn't feel as though i cursed people in relationships.

i love what they have.
and i want what they have.
but loving and desiring a relationship are a whole lot different
than coveting one.

and i think that that's the important thing to know.
even if you feel alone, or rejected, or as if you'll never find the right guy,
don't compare yourself to everyone else around you because they only have glimpses of what you will have.
sure, i wanted to be lazy with someone today and watch movies,
or study, or cook breakfast together, or go adventuring with him.
but that wasn't in the plan for today, and i have to have peace with that.

i hope that you do too.



Friday, April 5, 2013

"they had lights inside their eyes"

just a bit of inspiration for what i've been writing.
and a beautiful song.

i think that one day i will pack up my bags and move to new york.


yesterday, while in barnes & noble, i came across this book.
i reminded myself of my bucket list goal to live in paris
for any period of time.
i mean, i think it's absolutely necessary for me to do so in my life time ;)
anyhoo, my goal is to study abroad fall semester of my senior year in paris
{fingers crossed!}
i suppose i considered that period of time my only chance at living in this city.

however, i have a whole new idea inspired by my brief encounter with this book.
now all i have to do is read the book, learn some tips, allow some {or, a lot} of time to pass,
and then spontaneously pick myself up from where i live, and move.

now if only life were that simple;)
i suppose my goal of new york city will have to do for now,
because in my eyes, nyc is the center of the world.


Thursday, April 4, 2013

when i'm home.

i feel closest to home when i'm in a barnes and noble.
the one closest to my college is probably the best one i've
been in yet.

my friends got me out this afternoon,
and it helped me to simply breathe.
i took my journal and, thanks to an
early birthday gift from ally, a barnes
and noble gift card with the intentions to
write a little and buy some gatsby.

i walked up the stairs with a lot on my mind,
and just when i reached the top, the sun came through
the windows that lined the reading wall.
there were empty seats along the windows that overlooked the clearing sky.
such a beautiful view.

i placed fitzgerald before me,
feeling a bit shy to begin writing.
but i was able to get some words out,
and it felt wonderful.

i thought a little bit about mr. fitzgerald,
and i thought a little bit about romania.
i even gave mr. pacific some thought as well.
but what took over my mind the most was how
lost i wanted to be among the books.
and how much i longed to look out at the beautiful sky
and know that it was over california.

i miss my california,
and the warmth that exists there.
i then felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude
that i will be enrolling in a new school for this fall.
and that this new school just so happened to be in irvine.

i miss my california,
the people there,
and the feeling of home.

dear irvine, ready or not, here i come.

almost kissed. but not quite.

mr. pacific wasn't all that i thought he would be.
in fact, he took me by surprise and was much better
and kinder of a man that i had expected.

the two of us wandered around a grocery store for
about an hour and a half, just talking and acting silly.
i couldn't believe i was actually with him,
the man i had noticed a little while back in class...
he was talking to me.
he was acknowledging me.

i maintained my sarcasm and let my walls stand high.
this past week my heart has hurt more than usual due
to being home last week,
i've felt vulnerable, and lonely, and i'm still trying to
pick up the pieces of myself and understand what it takes to find
joy in god rather than joy in a man, or in a relationship.

all that aside, for just that brief time with a complete stranger,
i was liking this man more and more.
he teases and laughs and is a simple person to be around.

i still couldn't believe he had chosen to spend time with me.

we danced around various topics of conversation while
walking up and down aisles.

i wanted him to kiss me.
but i didn't think he'd ever think of doing that.

and then, without warning, he put his arm around my waist and pulled me in close.
my immediate thought was to lean in just as close.
but i couldn't.

mr. pacific then proceeded to do the unthinkable.
he tried to kiss me.
and me? i proceeded to do the unthinkable:
i pushed away the one thing i wanted most in the moment.

i could feel his arm around me,
i felt safer than i've felt for quite some time.
i remembered for a brief second what it felt to be
silly in love.
i could taste the spontaneity that comes along with that.
and yet i was frozen in fear.
kissing mr. pacific meant letting a wall down.
it meant that he would become real.
it meant that heart break would become an option.
it meant i'd have to say goodbye.

yet, i sit here writing this and my heart feels broken anyways.
i mean, it's been so broken for a year now that i've grown numb to
certain things.
but here i am, feeling everything.

mr. pacific is genuine and kind.
and i liked him without knowing him.
his hands, in that short moment, were the safest
things around.
but, as i always do, i ran away.

his response?
because i ran away, he got to learn a valuable lesson.
and as we drove back to campus, in between his questions
of whether or not i was angry, all i could think was,
when will things be real for once? when will these lessons in heartache come to an end?
when will i stop giving men epiphanies of what they really want or need?
when will i feel normal again?

dear mr. pacific,
you are wonderful and handsome,
and as clever as they come.
you have a curiosity that is unbeatable.
i know i could have grown to trust you,
and if you would have let me, i would have kept all of your secrets.
but within minutes you came to the conclusion that a companionship was
all that was required from me. it's alright that this happened,
it's happened many times before.
but you are wonderful just the same, failed kiss and all.


the end.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

wording and all.

your words are kind,
and to my liking.

though everything
{if everything is
anything at all}
is so premature.

i could buy into your sweetness,
i could trust that you are sincere,
i could tell you more about myself,
and invest my time and feelings into what
i assume to be your honesty.

but time is so short.
and you are still a stranger.
and those in the past that became
more than just a friend eventually
grew to be ugly, and estranged.

nonetheless, you're handsome,
and clever,
and kind.

oh, mr. pacific,
if i had known you'd come
into my life one day
then i never would have blogged about
you in the first place.

for my sake, cut the charm.


a series of letters

dear sun, 

pleaseeeeee surprise all of us with a miracle and stay out for the next thirty days.
kay, thanks.

dear mr. pacific,

you are so great. 
and handsome.
and funny.
i can't believe i actually got to have a conversation with you. 

dear the man whom i saw in starbucks last wednesday,

i saw you. and i should have said hello.
but i was scared, and nervous, and i couldn't think 
of the right words to say.
and i felt like i was intruding on your morning coffee.
i would have sat down at the table with you and told you
how very sorry i was. and i would have asked you how you were.
but none of that matters, and writing about it here doesn't matter either
because it's not like you'll see this or believe me.

dear ellen degeneres, 

i want to come to see your show live.
so. bad.

dear newberg/fred meyer starbucks,

you suck.

dear burger wednesday,

it's about time you come back around!

dear april,

i like you.

i hope you all have a happy wednesday.
the end.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

six o'clock pm.

has never shined so bright.

so my window is open.
and my journal is out.
and words consume my time.

dear psychology class,
why must i go and sit through you for an hour and a half?
why why why?

but i watched this today.

it isn't the most recent film. but i enjoyed it. i prefer endings this like one's.
not too happy, and not too sad. just real enough and written enough, you know?


Monday, April 1, 2013

"let's tell a great story" {for reals} or the possibility of it becoming a great story.

two fridays ago i flew home for spring break.
on that flight of mine was a very handsome fellow...
let's call him mr. cruz.
mr. cruz is a californian going to school here in oregon,
and, just like me, he was beginning his spring break.

i remember seeing him on my flight.
cute boys on my flights always make me nervous because
i look very awkward when i travel and, let's be honest, a germ-filled plane
doesn't leave you feeling your cutest or cleanest.
i saw him and thought that he was cute.
we even made eye contact a few times.
though i dismissed that eye contact for him looking at me only because
my backpack was half my size, my purse had personal belongings spilling over the sides, and my suitcase was large enough to fit two of me...not to mention i struggled lifting it off of the baggage claim conveyor right in front of him.

needless to say, that friday i felt like i was simply an amusement for the guy.
well, as i left the airport i saw him sit down and i thought to myself once more, "handsome."

well, come today, on my return flight,
g u e s s  w h o  w a s  s i t t i n g  i n  m y  t e r m i n a l ?


but to my dismay, he boarded the flight before me,
and i was one of the last passengers to board.
all i could think was, "great, i have to awkwardly find a seat on this full plane while this guy is around...again!"

so i kept walking towards the back of the plane looking for a seat.
and lo and behold, there was one seat left.
next to mr. cruz.
yep, i laughed as i tripped into my middle seat, backpack first.

what was so great was not only his friendliness,
but the fact that he was just as frazzled.
he's tan, with dark, very shortly cut hair, dark dark eyes, somewhat tall {turns out he plays basket ball}
and he was dressed very handsomely.
nothing about his appearance screams "literature major"
{yes, i judged a book by its cover!}
but i took one look at the amount of school work he had...everywhere!
and i knew, "lit. major."
yep, i was right.

well, after the flight was well underway, mr. cruz surprised me and asked me a question.
say what?
was this guy talking to me?
i stuttered on my words and asked him to repeat the question.
and. he. did.

his voice is kind and mellow.
turns out he's a year older than me,
lives very near to where i live back at home,
is studying literature,
and has even read some of my favorite books.

the two of us quietly walked to baggage claim, side by side,
and when i fell behind he slowed his pace and waited for me.
once we came down nearer to our bags, i said a goodbye and told him
thank you for talking and that it was great meeting someone new.
honestly, i didn't want to come across as though i had more to say or even annoy the poor guy.
so i told myself, walk away. you'll never hear from him again anyways. he probably didn't enjoy talking to you as much as you're assuming.
blah blah blah.
i'm ridiculous.

so i went to retrieve my bag
{awkwardly, of course}
and as i rolled it away and said goodbye,
mr. cruz did something that hasn't been done in much too long a time.
and this time, he was the one stuttering on words,
"hey...just in case you're ever in salem...uhm, can i have your number?"

yes. yes, mr. cruz, you can have my number.
so in that moment, i felt like carrie bradshaw.
i looked away and giggled a bit...trying not to smile from ear to ear.
i straightened out my shoulders and softened my voice as best i could to
let him know that i wasn't at all weirded out by his question.

so, i've already heard from mr. cruz.
he said that whenever or if ever i find myself near salem or santa cruz,
to text him so we can have coffee or something "and talk literature."