Thursday, April 4, 2013

almost kissed. but not quite.

mr. pacific wasn't all that i thought he would be.
in fact, he took me by surprise and was much better
and kinder of a man that i had expected.

the two of us wandered around a grocery store for
about an hour and a half, just talking and acting silly.
i couldn't believe i was actually with him,
the man i had noticed a little while back in class...
he was talking to me.
he was acknowledging me.

i maintained my sarcasm and let my walls stand high.
this past week my heart has hurt more than usual due
to being home last week,
i've felt vulnerable, and lonely, and i'm still trying to
pick up the pieces of myself and understand what it takes to find
joy in god rather than joy in a man, or in a relationship.

all that aside, for just that brief time with a complete stranger,
i was liking this man more and more.
he teases and laughs and is a simple person to be around.

i still couldn't believe he had chosen to spend time with me.

we danced around various topics of conversation while
walking up and down aisles.

i wanted him to kiss me.
but i didn't think he'd ever think of doing that.

and then, without warning, he put his arm around my waist and pulled me in close.
my immediate thought was to lean in just as close.
but i couldn't.

mr. pacific then proceeded to do the unthinkable.
he tried to kiss me.
and me? i proceeded to do the unthinkable:
i pushed away the one thing i wanted most in the moment.

i could feel his arm around me,
i felt safer than i've felt for quite some time.
i remembered for a brief second what it felt to be
silly in love.
i could taste the spontaneity that comes along with that.
and yet i was frozen in fear.
kissing mr. pacific meant letting a wall down.
it meant that he would become real.
it meant that heart break would become an option.
it meant i'd have to say goodbye.

yet, i sit here writing this and my heart feels broken anyways.
i mean, it's been so broken for a year now that i've grown numb to
certain things.
but here i am, feeling everything.

mr. pacific is genuine and kind.
and i liked him without knowing him.
his hands, in that short moment, were the safest
things around.
but, as i always do, i ran away.

his response?
because i ran away, he got to learn a valuable lesson.
and as we drove back to campus, in between his questions
of whether or not i was angry, all i could think was,
when will things be real for once? when will these lessons in heartache come to an end?
when will i stop giving men epiphanies of what they really want or need?
when will i feel normal again?

dear mr. pacific,
you are wonderful and handsome,
and as clever as they come.
you have a curiosity that is unbeatable.
i know i could have grown to trust you,
and if you would have let me, i would have kept all of your secrets.
but within minutes you came to the conclusion that a companionship was
all that was required from me. it's alright that this happened,
it's happened many times before.
but you are wonderful just the same, failed kiss and all.

-M.

the end.


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