Friday, April 19, 2013

moving

i remember when i broke my first boyfriend's heart.
we were one of "those" couples...the ones that talk about
marriage and babies and whatnot.
we both believed in the relationship,
and i loved him more than anyone...
and yet in my heart, i had places to go and things to see.
i was in love with him,
but i downright loved the idea of moving around.

he had dreams of moving around too, though his character
is one that loves to have a settled place. he likes stability and consistency,
at least he used to. and he's family oriented, therefore he loves to live close to them.
i was younger, more immature. i hadn't yet received my shot to move away.
i didn't mind the idea of relocating.

i remember when i broke his heart.
we were in a parking lot.
both of us were crying, and i had already begged him
to consider the idea of leaving with me one day
so that we could settle elsewhere, away from his pain and memories.
he had said that he couldn't leave his family,
and i understood.
so i decided to pick myself up
and get the hell out of the state.

it hurt him.
and it hurt me too.
anyways, we were in a parking lot, and out of anger
he said a lot of things.
but one thing in particular that i have never forgotten is
something that will stain me forever.
he expressed his concern for my inability to stay in one place.
he asked how i would ever commit to a person and place.
this angered me, but he was right.

i drove away that rainy, sunday afternoon.
i cried and cried.
for him, for us, for me.

when i decided to leave fox, the man i once loved came to my mind.
his words ring loud in my ear each time someone asks if i'm transferring.
will you ever be able to commit, madison? i'm so scared for you.

i packed my first box today.
i'm leaving this little dorm exactly two weeks from
this very hour.
and in a few months i'll pack more boxes and move to southern california,
a place i said i would never live in.
but here i am, moving.

i never thought i'd move to oregon...but i did.
i never thought i'd move to so-cal...but i am.
and now i'll never say never because there's a list
of places i'd like to live.
i have an unwavering feeling that i will
pack a multitude of boxes and suitcases throughout this
life of mine.
but my ex got it right, i'm not one to really stick around for long.
i figure i'm nineteen, i'm in love with the idea of travel and foreign places.
my outlook on life has altered within these four walls and i'm ready
for a larger space.
a pasture for me to roam.

i think about him everyday. just small thoughts,
especially now since home is so close.
i assume that he'd roll his eyes at my deciding to move
away from oregon.
but then i'd roll my eyes at the thought of any man having an opinion
of my life other than my father.

i'm moving.
i've learned so much here, and i've loved so much here.
but i'm ready to learn and love more.
everywhere.
moving.
moving.
always moving.
everywhere i go.



3 comments:

  1. Wow. This is spot on. Can we please just be best friends already? Haha.

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    Replies
    1. RIGHT?! Uhm, I just want to sit down and have coffee with you like right now!

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    2. Yes please! Maybe when we're both back in town? :)

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