Saturday, April 6, 2013

since i'm procrastinating, let's talk about yesterday...and this morning.

i had one of those mornings.
okay, okay, i've been having one of those twenty-four-hour moments
where everything in the whole world seems to be going entirely wrong.

it all started off yesterday morning.
yesterday's classes were average, but average
is good in most ways and to certain extents, so i really
had nothing to complain about.

class got out by 10:30, and after watching a movie i had
lunch with ally and then spent an hour practicing piano
{one of my favorite past times}.

but somewhere in between the pizza at lunch
and the time i headed back to my dorm from practice
something went terribly wrong.

i don't know how it happened, or if it was waiting to happen all day long,
but i found myself somewhere around five thirty pm struggling to get anything right.

mother nature came and ruined my outfit,
therefore i had to change clothes and then walk in the pouring rain to the store
which then soaked and winded me entirely.
upon arriving back i spilled my chai tea everywhere.
most of the girls were either with friends, out of town, or with
their boyfriends.
and there i was in my wet clothes, a puddle of chai before me,
a stack of homework on my desk, and no one around to laugh about the whole thing with me.

so, i did what any girl does in a moment like that:
i called my momma.

i cried and sat on the floor.
i told her that i didn't know why i ever moved so far away.
i told her i never should have spent four dollars on a chai that i
couldn't afford.
i told her that i had no idea mother nature was about to strike.
i told her i wanted to take in-completes on my classes and move the hell out.
i told her that i mostly felt lonely, and that i was fed up with not having someone around,
that i missed the affirmation that comes with having a gentleman in your life.

so she let me wallow in self pity {because, really, that's all it was}
i woke up feeling even more grumpy
and took my anger out on the elliptical.
and then on mom {which i'm not proud of}.
i told her that i knew i was only eighteen but that this period
of alone time has been more difficult than i could have ever imagined.
i cursed every happy couple
and swore under my breath.

i told myself i'd go to breakfast alone and then spend the afternoon
studying for classes i no longer cared about. so i said.

and as i approached the building where i eat my meals, a friend named amy approached
me. i wondered where her boyfriend andrew was but didn't think much else of it.
a few minutes later, after inviting amy to sit with me, andrew came along.
here i am, relationship-less, sitting here with this adorable couple, i thought.
but, do you know something?
sitting with them was wonderful. they made me laugh.
i loved the way they interacted with one another, and the way he looked at her.
they have that best-friend connection.
and suddenly, i didn't feel as though i cursed people in relationships.

i love what they have.
and i want what they have.
but loving and desiring a relationship are a whole lot different
than coveting one.

and i think that that's the important thing to know.
even if you feel alone, or rejected, or as if you'll never find the right guy,
don't compare yourself to everyone else around you because they only have glimpses of what you will have.
sure, i wanted to be lazy with someone today and watch movies,
or study, or cook breakfast together, or go adventuring with him.
but that wasn't in the plan for today, and i have to have peace with that.

i hope that you do too.

xoxo

-M.






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