Monday, May 6, 2013

pacific northwest and its invasion of california.

i suppose i thought that moving out would be bittersweet, but especially sweet
because it meant that i'd get to see loved ones again.
and so far it has been wonderful seeing those loved ones.
but what i didn't allow myself to focus on was the bitter part of the whole good-bye.
i knew i'd be moving out, but i couldn't comprehend it.
then friday, may 3rd came and it was time to say goodbye.

some of my goodbye's were rushed, and done poorly because of all the craziness;
while others were heart felt and emotional.
i didn't know what to do with myself after i finished my last walk through campus that evening.
where do i belong now? i asked myself repeatedly.

i keep saying that my life feels as though it's in limbo.
home here in gilroy doesn't quite feel like home...
it's like a pair of socks that are two sizes too small, and filled with holes.
newberg oregon had become a lot like home in some ways, but it's no longer home to me
which feels entirely odd.
and then there's the reality of a new home that awaits me in sunny, irvine california -
a place that i cannot comprehend.

boxes of my small amount of possessions fill my house here and there.
my room is a disaster,
my bed doesn't feel right,
and i can't bring myself to really fall asleep at night.

and while oregon experiences some unusually warm, sunny weather,
the pacific north west and all it's dreariness and cold have followed me south,
making it so that i feel like i'm only miles away from portland.

i don't want to be back in newberg to live next fall, i know that it's not where i belong.
but i am not at all opposed to the idea of moving back to portland in a few years
once my undergrad is done.
i am so very excited to begin a life in southern california, but i don't think of it
as long term.
though for now i'm going to do my best to remain in the present.
i need to do that.
my mind never stops and i'm always planning.
for the next three years it'd be great to just disregard all sorts of plans...
though just right now i planned to not plan for three years. {haha}

how about: no planning for today. i'll just do today.

anyways, i'm missing oregon and the little life i began to create there.
i learned just how much i love being on my own, even though taking a break and spending
time with family is such a needed blessing.

i love you oregon and i love you california.
and just as i wasn't quite done living in california,
i'm not entirely done with living in oregon, either.


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