all day today i felt this emotion:
"I am in the mood to dissolve in the sky." Virginia Woolf.
It's 11:15 p.m. and I still haven't dissolved. Though I can already anticipate the sleepless night ahead of me. I woke up from a nightmare this morning and felt sad. Do you know those days where your insides just don't feel right? Your emotions are in heaps and heaps of nonsense and everything feels like it hurts. Well, I woke up feeling like that, which was odd because I've actually been waking up feeling just fine for a couple of weeks now. Today just came with a heaviness for me. I walked/jogged with a friend (the five minutes that we spent running counts in my book, thank you;) thinking that perhaps my head would clear a bit. When I said goodbye I felt a looming sense that I was just not alright today. So I went to Starbucks. And upon returning home, where I declined a nanny job for the day and found myself in a state of writer's block, I crawled into bed and didn't come out for a few hours. THAT was my day in a nut shell. I went for two walks and went to Starbucks twice, and none of them made me feel better about today. I recited Virginia Woolf over and over in my head all afternoon: I am in the mood to dissolve in the sky, I am in a mood...Dissolve...I am in the mood to dissolve. I said it so religiously that perhaps I believed that I truly could of dissolve into the warm, blue sky.
I realize that I haven''t been writing much on here but I can only blame it on my persistent passion to write fiction lately. I'm just now learning how to hold on to and develop the constant story lines that play through my mind everyday. Some are better than others, though all take a great deal of time to get me to sit and actually type. I thank God that I leave for Romania in just one week. I love my home, and am in no rush for summer to be over, but I am ready to begin the journey that will lead to all journeys. (Especially so I can have more to write about! eeek!) When I am home I find myself mostly stuck in past feelings and it frustrates me that I cannot remove myself from my emotions. I am praying that Romania gives me the closure that I need with myself, especially since my move to the OC will take place shortly after my return from Europe.
Europe will be good for me, that's what a woman told me just the other day. She helped me see lots of things I've held onto and I'm realizing that I'm learning a great deal about forgiveness. I've even realized that the fiction pieces I've been focusing on deal greatly with forgiveness. I think that too often it is viewed negatively when it truly is a beautiful thing. Although sometimes I find that I'd much rather remain in the mood to dissolve in the sky rather than accept an apology. Nonetheless, Europe and home and this lesson in forgiveness are all great enough reasons to remain right here on my feet despite the fact that today was just an all around shit day for Madison.
I have twenty-four minutes left to have these negative feelings & then it's tomorrow. And I've promised myself that tomorrow is going to be wonderful.