Wednesday, July 31, 2013

so there's this guy whom i hardly even know...

...and that's all i'm going to say about that for now.
or for quite some time that is.
i'm potentially jinxing my entire lot of luck right this very instant.
{perhaps even embarrassing myself. but you all know i'm one to share my feelings for no given reason other than i am much too excitable}
but talks about handsome fellows with friends like alyssa have always left the two of us looking like this:

one of us, of course, being the little girl, and the penguin being the boy or the nerves or whatever it is it may be.

no hopes, no expectations, but just a bit of feeling smitten.
the end.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

a long lost letter.

dear irvine,
i am more than ready to call you home.

dear new shirt,
i love you, not only because you have a unicorn on yourself (because who doesn't want that?!) but because you are so comfortable.

dear library,
stop calling me about alllll of the books i need to pick up.
i haven't even touched a clockwork orange yet.

dear bachelorette,
brooks left AND you're making me wait one more week for the finale?!
this is a major first world problem.

dear boy that i just met,
if you're reading this, please don't judge me:)

dear arcade fire,
if the rumors are true about your new album, please please please go to coachella next year.

dear vampire weekend,
that goes for you too.

dear old man that i flipped off the other day,
i'm sorry i gave you the bird, but you were terribly rude and i couldn't believe how abrupt you were.
and your face was priceless when you realized that my middle finger was pointed in your direction. i'm working on the profanity, i really am.

dear house that was supposed to be mine,
i'm sorry for what the new owners have done to you. i promise that i had much better plans for you!

dear corinna,
let me come along to uganda next time.

dear self,
please stop staying up late texting that boy you met the other day? you're starting to become much too lazy during the day :)

the end.

Monday, July 29, 2013

because it's late and my writer's mind tends to not shut off.

i think that the most beautiful and frightening thing on the planet
is walking the thin line between being a stranger and being known.

i think that stepping forward, initially anonymous and completely
ignorant of the person before you, is what is frightening.

however, i find the unknown that exists within that ignorance the
beautiful part because, while things do tend to falter, there is a mustard seed sized
potential that something might grow.

the end.

in my ear:

it's a lazy day filled with pandora, attempting to make my bed, and a craving for some grimm's fairy tales.
but first, a trip to the fruit stand to continue these new eating habits of mine!
oh, and did i mention that today is just good?

Sunday, July 28, 2013

in the middle of bloomingdale's, at the chanel section...

...i had my first culture shock meltdown.

so, i've waited for some kind of freak out regarding overwhelmed feelings towards my culture in comparison to the romanian and moldovan cultures i witnessed just weeks ago.
i would go to stores and feel a little silly for worrying about materialistic things and whatnot,
but nothing made me feel downright disturbed or annoyed.

i even thought to myself, "either you are feeling nothing right now and this is wrong," or i thought, "good job, kid, you're handling yourself well."
it was today in san francisco that i would come across several beggars. 
one of them was particularly ill in the mind and his hollering broke my heart.
another declared himself a satanist.
the rest were simply broken people.

i watched as onlookers passed the beggars up, either looking at them like they were animals or as if they weren't anything significant at all.
i was appalled. i quickly remembered the faces of children and deformed beggars that i passed in europe. i remembered the feeling of compassion and helplessness i had felt. but most of all, i remembered the feeling of shame for the fact that i got to return to a life of comfort while so many others lived in poverty.
when i stand face to face with someone who is asking something of me in a begging way i feel ashamed and shallow. 
and, please know that i do not look down on people who do well financially and i most certainly do not frown upon the life i, as an american, have been given.
my point is simply that romania gave me an overwhelming appreciation for what i do have, and yet that appreciation still faces the challenge of selfishness. romania also gave me a desire to get on the level of see life how they see it.
i learned the importance of looking into the eyes of someone else with the intention of silently communicating "i see you as a person, as someone who has dignity and a right to it."

so, my mentality while going into bloomingdale's was an overwhelmed and confused one. my mom and aunt asked me to try on some chanel lipstick and i agreed. 
but, as the woman who worked the shop was rude to my aunt
and as the woman next to me acted with arrogance and with body language that simply asked me to move out of the way, i found myself freaking out inside.
i looked in the mirror as the red smeared across my face and i felt disgust for the label of the product in my hand,
i felt humiliation for feeling as though the two women looked down upon me,
and, what's more, i couldn't believe i was standing there trying on such an expensive little tube of red-nothing cosmetics while others in romania worked so hard to serve people.
and in that moment i wiped the red across my face,
muttered some swear words in regards to the rude women,
i threw my tissue covered in lipstick on the floor,
and i began to march away: defensive and hurt.

it all sounds dramatic now,
but i suppose it's a simple case of you-had-to-be-there-and-you-had-to-be-me.

i love my culture, i do.
and i do not look down on those around me.
i just hadn't been hit with the reality of what i witnessed until i saw the poor vs. the wealthy once again like i did today in the city.
it made me grateful for the perspective i have gained, but it also made me terribly sad for the drastic contrast that exists across each and every society. 

that's my little rant for this evening.
other than my meltdown, my sunday was beautiful.
i hope your's was too!
i am terribly nostalgic for galati and chininau, but
i suppose i'll just have to wait for my next trip.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

can you believe it's already been two weeks since i was in this beautiful city?!?

don't you love the wonderful quality/positioning of my pictures?
i hardly used my camera on my romania/moldova trip 
and when i did i was either rushed or multi-tasking...soooo....
here's my result: G R E A T quality! 
note the sarcasm ;)
nonetheless, i still love the pictures i took because they remind me of how beautiful both countries are.
these photos are just of bucharest, though, and not galati or chisinau.
hopefully more photos will be posted soon since lately i am lagging on uploading pictures and blogging...yikes!
i can't believe that exactly two weeks ago i was in the city above, preparing to sad!
actually, at this exact time i was eating shawarma. 
one of my favorite things to eat, ever.

anyhoo, thanks for still reading everyone and hopefully i will be back very soon :)

Sunday, July 14, 2013


these three places were a part of my everyday walk/surroundings as well as my lodging during my stay.
every time i look at them my heart breaks once more and i am reminded of my hopes to return for a longer stay.

*all photos belong to my friend, julia, from the trip.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

today was good

and filled with so many new people.
life is beautiful always, but especially now.


Thursday, July 11, 2013

when one year comes 'round.

i suppose i should have seen you coming.
it was just tuesday that i told myself i forgave you,
that i forgave myself.
i have prayed for one year now that i'd get a moment to sit
face to face with you.
to ask you how you are doing,
to catch a glimpse of your character,
to prove that i had pure intentions all along.

the memory of you and all that had happened were stained
in my memory. smeared all over my heart. my mind was tainted by you.
for one year my life has shifted and altered, and i have made do with the good
and the bad: all in the absence of you.

when i learned the truth in december, i was forced to move on.
when i heard the news in february, i was encouraged to maintain my composure.
when the news came in june, i stayed in bed all day.
and though the news seemed to always find me all this past year,
the tears slowed with the time.
my bitterness became sweeter.
the memories faded in bits.
and my love was buried deep within my heart, never to be stirred again.

so, just last week i left you in europe with my memories and my story.
i landed in the states with a whole new outlook on life.
this morning, with the side effects of jet lag, i awoke early with a craving
for tea and the cool, overcast air.
i never saw you coming.
but isn't that how life usually works with us?
i never saw you coming.
if i had, i'd like to say that i would have changed my morning course.
i never saw you coming, but there you were.
you didn't even have to turn around for me to realize who you were.

and then you asked me to sit.
i had anticipated the moment for one year,
and out of all the crazy ideas i had, you chose the one i never expected.
maybe i let too many words spill out and maybe i left you with regret for ever having
seen my face.
you were someone new to me, you were the man i remember before everything went bad.
but i wasn't the madison who fell in love with that man.

i'm the madison who fell in love with romania,
with the english language,
and with fictional books.
i'm the madison who moved away and dreams of running away forever.
i'm the madison who has been taking life as it comes -
drunk off of a longing for adventure and wander lust.

i am not the girl who was easily timid, or silenced, or misunderstood.
i do not watch my words and i pay special attention to chivalry and humility.
i am not the girl i assumed i would become,
i am the girl you always knew i would be.
and you are the man i always knew you would be.

we've both set out to be and to do everything we said we would.
and, yes, you were right: what a shame it is that it couldn't have been done
with our being together.
but i am beginning to grow in my certainty that you did just fine without me
as i did without you.

though you will always remain stained in my memory and buried deep within my heart.

to the man i sat with for the last time ever,
i have nothing but respect for you.
i'll even admit to having a bit of admiration.
i'm happy for the things in life you've accomplished,
and for the things you have yet to become.
most especially, i'm grateful for the one last moment i got:
and you smiled because you knew.

the end.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

i have found the thing & a place which my soul loves.

it was love at first sight with bucharest.
the morning sun burned my skin easily and the city air was suffocating.
the buildings that walled me against the street were tagged with colorful graffiti,
and the cars stormed by.
people looked different than they do here at home. women are strikingly beautiful: european.
men are handsome and fashionable.
"bucharest is one big contradiction" i wrote that first night.
people, dressed up fashionably, contradict the aged communist uniform of the surrounding infrastructures.
apartments contradict one another: french style vs. communist style.
the feel of the whole place is one big contradiction, as well: westernization vs. the remnants of a corrupted government.
it is all beautiful, nonetheless. all of it.

chisinau, moldova frightened me initially.
it was even more foreign than romania.
but the streets were green and beautiful with trees aligning either side
of the road, stretching and touching above.
the buildings are just as old as those in bucharest, and a sense of communism exists;
though moldova tasted different.
it took me just a bit to realize the taste: russian.
the entire country tells it's own story
and it made me want to listen.
i wanted to hear the voices that find themselves past the ends of the roads,
tucked deep in alley ways,
and buried beneath the floorboards of apartments.

galati is entirely its own:
a city that turns away from the truths of the valley.
galati feels old and worn.
i recall driving into the city and feeling so small within it.
however, the following day i had found my place and in my place
i felt comfort.
in my place i felt an odd sense of familiarity.
the cobblestone streets spanned out before me each morning and evening.
children stood in their doorways to bid me "ce faci!"
the days were long, but they were good
and they left me feeling content and productive.

this trip brought so much healing and growth to my life.
in all honesty, upon my arrival i had major doubts concerning the
significance of my trip. however, after several days had passed, it
became apparent that god was at work. his works were small, but they
were great.
in the first week i met a little girl who i became absolutely smitten with.
she is nine {though much smaller for her age}, she had crazy "hermione" hair,
nearly blonde with crazy colored eyes. she had wit and attitude that caused her to
be well beyond her years.
it was at a summer camp that we met and it was with her that i chose to spend all of my time.
i asked one of the organization leaders about her...who defends her? who stands up for her?
my heart was in pieces, and i had the feeling that i would do anything for her if i could.
i felt protective over her and i wished to speak romanian so that i could directly ask her questions.
saying goodbye was difficult for the both of us. two of the leaders commented on the connection they had witnessed between the two of us.
prior to leaving the country my dad had given me an article to read about a young college graduate who had taken a missions trip and ended up staying to gain legal rights to adopt a child. she then brought the child home with her and now they have their own family. i thought little of the story except for when my dad said he could see me doing the same thing in a few years, should i meet the right child. i laughed him off...until i came face to face with the little girl.
legally, i could never adopt her {technically, she wasn't an orphan} or any child from romania or moldova...and if i could, it would be extremely different. but the whole situation did force my curiosity to ask myself and others questions regarding adoption.
i suppose that if i were ever to feel the same way again and i felt that god was leading me in a particular direction, then yes, i would adopt...even if it made me a young single mother.
i know that perhaps this sounds silly, but it's something i take seriously...and i guess it's just something you realize when you're face to face with someone that you care about.

i will be blogging a lot more about romania and moldova...just you wait! ;)

Sunday, July 7, 2013

jet lag.

i left galati, romania on thursday afternoon, romanian time.
i took a four hour train ride to bucharest and got to bed around midnight.
friday morning, at three am, i was picked up by bus at four.
by six forty-five, still romanian time, my flight took off for frankfurt.
once i got to frankfurt i had a very brief layover prior to boarding my nine hour flight to d.c.
d.c. meant a six hour layover, followed by a five hour flight.

needless to say, friday july, fifth was the day that never seemed to end...literally.
every time we crossed a time zone, you could literally tell that the sun was resetting itself.
from start to finish, that day lasted twenty nine hours for me.

so i stayed the night in newberg {STILL friday}
and tried to sleep...tried being the key word here.
i then packed up again and headed out for the airport
to catch a plane to seattle {what was one extra flight?}
which would then connect me home.

therefore {i'm quite proud of this} i traveled since one pm thursday afternoon {romanian time}
and didn't arrive until four thirty am, sunday {romanian time}.

so yeah, i guess you really don't care to know any of this.
but, regardless, i'm telling you anyways because it's four am and i haven't been able to sleep.
i mean, you'd think that an exhausted body would just pass out or something, but this jet lag is kind of i was told it might be.

i didn't believe anyone.
butttttt, now i do.
so i'm laying in bed, eating apple pie,
because what is one to do at four am?

it is nice to be home where things like apple pie
are available in the middle of the night,
but i am completely nostalgic for anything romanian or moldovan.
and, no, i'm not just saying this as a cliche because a trip of mine is over.
i truly have a sense of longing to be back in a setting like galati or chisinau.

i can't wait to talk about everything later.
but for now, i need to finish my pie and try to sleep just a bit more.
oh and this pie is simply a substitute for what i am really craving:


do yourself a favor...if you're ever in romania, find the nearest gogoserie.