Thursday, July 11, 2013

when one year comes 'round.

i suppose i should have seen you coming.
it was just tuesday that i told myself i forgave you,
that i forgave myself.
i have prayed for one year now that i'd get a moment to sit
face to face with you.
to ask you how you are doing,
to catch a glimpse of your character,
to prove that i had pure intentions all along.

the memory of you and all that had happened were stained
in my memory. smeared all over my heart. my mind was tainted by you.
for one year my life has shifted and altered, and i have made do with the good
and the bad: all in the absence of you.

when i learned the truth in december, i was forced to move on.
when i heard the news in february, i was encouraged to maintain my composure.
when the news came in june, i stayed in bed all day.
and though the news seemed to always find me all this past year,
the tears slowed with the time.
my bitterness became sweeter.
the memories faded in bits.
and my love was buried deep within my heart, never to be stirred again.

so, just last week i left you in europe with my memories and my story.
i landed in the states with a whole new outlook on life.
this morning, with the side effects of jet lag, i awoke early with a craving
for tea and the cool, overcast air.
i never saw you coming.
but isn't that how life usually works with us?
i never saw you coming.
if i had, i'd like to say that i would have changed my morning course.
i never saw you coming, but there you were.
you didn't even have to turn around for me to realize who you were.

and then you asked me to sit.
i had anticipated the moment for one year,
and out of all the crazy ideas i had, you chose the one i never expected.
maybe i let too many words spill out and maybe i left you with regret for ever having
seen my face.
you were someone new to me, you were the man i remember before everything went bad.
but i wasn't the madison who fell in love with that man.

i'm the madison who fell in love with romania,
with the english language,
and with fictional books.
i'm the madison who moved away and dreams of running away forever.
i'm the madison who has been taking life as it comes -
drunk off of a longing for adventure and wander lust.

i am not the girl who was easily timid, or silenced, or misunderstood.
i do not watch my words and i pay special attention to chivalry and humility.
i am not the girl i assumed i would become,
i am the girl you always knew i would be.
and you are the man i always knew you would be.

we've both set out to be and to do everything we said we would.
and, yes, you were right: what a shame it is that it couldn't have been done
with our being together.
but i am beginning to grow in my certainty that you did just fine without me
as i did without you.

though you will always remain stained in my memory and buried deep within my heart.

to the man i sat with for the last time ever,
i have nothing but respect for you.
i'll even admit to having a bit of admiration.
i'm happy for the things in life you've accomplished,
and for the things you have yet to become.
most especially, i'm grateful for the one last moment i got:
and you smiled because you knew.

the end.

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