Friday, August 30, 2013

hobson 3. hms4lyfe. gfu. all that pnw love. whatever.

i stole this picture from my ra, megan.
she made us each a heart and gave it to us on our last day living in hobson 3.
all of my oregonian friends are moving into houses today and it makes me so nostalgic
for the people that impacted my life last year.

 oregon definitely mended a huge portion of my life.
it challenged the hell out of me and sometimes i was downright angry that god had led me
so far away from home. but then, in his typical goodness, everything worked out
and my life changed in dramatic ways.

not only did fox bring me rest, but it brought me romania & moldova, it brought me lifetime friendships and it brought direction back into my life.
god took me all the way north to bring me all the way back down south and right where i need to be.

so i miss all of the faces of the beautiful individuals represented in the picture above.
but i rest assured knowing that i will see them again.
maybe not all of them, but definitely the ones that i can still call covenant friends. 

i can't wait til they all start getting married!
{seriously...there are weddings to be had!}
the common joke all year was that we all needed a row in each of our weddings for the hob 3 girls.
maybe we weren't joking as much as we thought, but we'll never know for sure ;)
anyways, i learned so much about what it takes to have faith and deal with big issues, and live life and mess up...all while living here.

so, thanks again, ladies for the tears, laughs, arguments, love and memories.
and i will be back to that pnw as soon as possible because i love love love me some portland.
i can't wait to drive on that 99 again and see the 'berg.
but, for now where i am is just right and just mine,
just as oregon was last year.


Wednesday, August 28, 2013

poetry practice - because my professor says so.

A piece of peace

My greatest peace is not in the way that the sun continues to ascent each day,
Nor how the moon finds its place below the thick mountains and wild sea.

I claim to adhere to the peace of God, and yet even that is a shrunken mustard seed that diminishes by doubt and fleshly mindlessness.

My darling – I tell you this, and I say it in complete veracity and foolishness {a contradiction that two lovers can only perceive} – darling, it is in you. My peace I find wholly in you.

For it is piece by piece that we are one, and I am found, and you are mine.
You, my darling, are the one piece of peace that cups my love in one and fastens me as two.

A piece of me for the peace of you.

sunday with some theater people!

last sunday i spent the day with two high school friends of mine, jc and savannah.
it was the perfect sunday!
those two are always up for an adventure and conversation is always upbeat and hilarious.
the three of us were in the play a mid summer's night dream my junior year,
and savannah and i took a fashion class together and a year of french, as well.
so when jc texted me saying he was in orange county and wanted to see me, i just about screamed
for joy and jumped up and down.
for reals.

you should have seen me running around the room looking for something to wear.
clothes were flying everywhere.
my roommate just looked at me and rolled her eyes, saying, "you're changing again?!"

yes, i replied, because you don't know these people! they always look good! they're film students...they're actors...they're fashionable...oh my.

when i told my friends about my crazy antics while getting dressed they laughed and laughed.
they know it's true: they always look so good.

so jc composed this little video, and i love it.
the day was beautiful and it made me fall more in love with this little big place called orange.
but don't worry, bay area, you still have my heart.
and portland, you're a close second!

all of those so-cal beaches i heard about...even the episodes of the hills that i used to's all real!
all it took for us to have a reunion was to be far away from home. life is so funny that way.
they had the cutest books that were carved into letters!
i wanted all of them. remember when i blogged about something like this here?

anyhoo, i can't wait for more adventures like this!
i just need a camera like jc's so i can make videos and carry my camera around.
everyone should be warned, the minute i have a camera, i will not put it down.
which reminds me, i'm in a huge debate over whether or not i should just invest in a fuji or diana already.

decisions decisions!

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

a letter about fear.

My fear exists in the unasked questions that I accumulate for you each day.
My fear exists due to my faith in God that I feel you may dismiss as nonsense.
My fear masks itself within the blackness of the future – remote and unattainable.
My fear lingers through the daylight as our distance spans for miles.
My fear finds me in the precipice where I find myself falling steadily for you.
My fear is inscribed within the words of our daily exchanges.
My fear beats rhythmically in my body as I anticipate your sitting next to me.

And yet, my utmost fear that wakes me in the night and finds me in the morning and follows me through the day
is the chill of thinking that perhaps you should willingly become a stranger to me,

That perhaps you will no longer stay.

the end. 

Sunday, August 25, 2013

sunday morning

i've been listening to bon iver a lot more lately.
he's someone that i will always love and come back to when i need a good listen or some help focusing on my studies. 

this is one of my favorite songs of his
and when i saw it on this blogger's instagram along with her little video
i thought that it was absolutely even more perfect than before.
and videos about happy couples like this make me so happy.

but anyways, i can't believe i have been in irvine for a whole week now.
i feel like i've lived here for much longer,
and time has finally slowed its pace.

i am such a proud english major and i'm happy with where i am.
there's so much reading and studying but the literature is beautiful
and i can feel myself being challenged by the professors.
i'm taking a creative writing class and i honestly can't wait for all of the projects and major assignments.
writing is so messy and difficult and wonderful,
and it leaves me feeling satisfied when i can receive critique and present my work.

well, today is looking promising!
i love love love sundays.
i'm supposed to meet up with two friends from back home.
we did theater together in high school, and the two of them are lots of fun.
and then later, church for night service.
i am going to miss solid rock's portland college service soooo much,
but it will be nice to meet new people down here,
and i won't have to travel the distance in the rain. hooray!

i'm excited for the next few days since last week went so well.
i miss my family, the triplets especially, and friends...
i even miss my oregon friends who are all reuniting this weekend before welcome week starts.
and, of course, i miss my berkeley boy, darn that handsome guy.

i hope that everyone else has a great sunday!

Thursday, August 22, 2013


Dear Mr. Berkeley,

The sun shines a bit brighter because you're around,
and sometimes I smile all day for no reason other than you said something sweet,
and sometimes I wish that I could say more,
and sometimes I wish that I would just shut up and say less,
and most times I think that this whole thing is crazy,
but if you're still in, I'm still in.

and maybe that's all that matters.
the end.


Tuesday, August 20, 2013

today was good.

a simple kind of good.
a pretty kind of good.
you know, when there's nothing blatant about the goodness...
you just know that you liked today because when you look back at it, there's little moments
where you liked this or you enjoyed that.
someone says something kind,
or someone holds the door open for you...
there were new people, and there was writing, and lots of laughs.

my day might have been as good as this song. which i am
completely, and utterly in love with. i can't even count how
many times i have played it.
it makes me want to curl up on the couch on a rainy day and read a book,
and love everything about that day.

no reason, just because.

i hope that you all had a beautiful tuesday as well!

pretty things on pinterest this morning because it's not like i already have homework!


1. i like eggs with breakfast and i am currently stove-less.
2. i like dancing silly, and i miss the littles in my life who danced along with me.
3. i like pretty plants on simple tables in colorful kitchens.
4. i like ellie saab. a lot.
5. i have one too many pictures of things like this on my pinterest.
6. lana's summer time sadness song is too good. bucket list: see that woman perform.
7. i get jealous of all the black and white photos i see. i always wish that i could have known
the people in the pictures. and i am especially jealous of those in the pictures that were taken
between the 20's and 40's.
8. her.whole.look. sometimes i tell myself, you should have just pursued modeling when you had the chances. because, uhm, who wouldn't want to live in new york and work for beautiful designers.
9. all of this ice cream is so pretty and yummy and it's making me want an ice cream cone and french fries. 
10. can i just sit here forever and write?


Monday, August 19, 2013

from observations of people and some other things i've written before.

let's just run away and get lost, and find some other way in some other place where the sky is a bit bluer, the sun shines a bit brighter, the traffic is louder, and the buildings are higher. 

and in that big place, that crowded, warm place, there we shall find a nook just big enough for two. and we will spend our days in random company or in a restaurant or by a park. 

we will fill the room with laughter and with silliness, for our only two embraces are love and youthfulness. and the days will be long, so we will pass the hours with grand explorations. 

and when the days become shorter and the nights become solemn, we will find new adventures deep in the quiet. and as age takes us and envelops us, we will learn to grow as one and we will learn to hold on. 

there will be pain and heartache and change. there will be days where you cannot recognize me and days where i can no longer recognize you. 

in those moments our prior endeavors will seem irrational. we might lash out with regrets that, truly, amount to nothing, and you might leave for a time or i might leave for a time. 

but will you promise me one thing? 

i do not want  promises of constant happiness. 

i could care less for promises of far away places.

i have no favor for money or for clothes or for rich homes.

do not even dare promise me that you will find yourself fond of me each day.

all i ask is that if i leave, you will come and find me and remind me of all i have lost sight of.
and, should you leave, please promise me that when i come to find you, even if all your hope is lost, that you will know for certain that i am the only way home.

so if our little nook in a large city is all we ever have - lost behind buildings, buried by memories  and carved right from a tree - 

the two of us and the life we build are the only things i will ever want and ever need. 

the buildings might stand a bit shorter, the streets might hum a bit quieter, the sun might be dull, the air turned cold, and the sky not so blue.

though none of this will matter in comparison to the life i have led with you.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

ten things i loved today:

1. this song. so so beautiful, always.
2. sunday morning breakfasts with orange juice and pastries and everything yummy at such an early hour.
3. mom & dad. they are so good to me.
4. the sunny californian sky. i keep looking for clouds and they are nowhere to be found.
5. a little park i found near uci. i know that i'll find myself there when school gets to be too much. because everything gets better when you take the time to put your toes in the sand, you know?
6. my journal filled with to-do lists.
7. the spectrum's ferris wheel. it is definitely going to make my to-do list.
8. fresh picked flowers sitting on a table.
9. all of the postcards that are beginning to take up my wall.
10. the sarcastic and also sweet texts from berkeley boy. i've only known him for three weeks, and three whole days, and the guy can make me smile like nobody has in a long long time.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

some things:

1. this video is of taza, a blogger from new york that i just adore.
i love this video so so much. it's always a bright little film to watch.
some of the objects in the video are things that i personally own and, of course, kingsley the bulldog is one of my dream pets.

2. lately i've been reading charles bukowski and woody allen quotes for no real reason other than i think that they're both very interesting individuals and people like them make me want to write more.

Writers are desperate people, and when they stop being desperate they stop being writers.

Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside remembering all the times you've felt that way.


3. some individuals have recently got me into the show how i met your mother
it's one of those shows that makes me laugh out loud, all by myself, usually late at night
while i watch as many episodes as i can manage. 
i'm determined to out smart the show and figure out the mother before she's revealed to me,

4. i have a confession: i've been cheating on my blogger account.
tumblr just has one too many pretty pictures.
this is my account & this image is too pretty:

5. i love the oc. and loving the oc makes me love oregon so much more. hopefully there will be some visits taking place between that good ol' state and i very soon. i know, i know...every time i say this my friends remind me, you always want to be in the very place you can't have. i am beyond hypocritical when it comes to longing for new places. but hey, i'm where i'm at now and there's no way i'm moving north until these couple years are through. 

{the below pictures are of some of my favorite spots/food from beautiful portlandia}


Friday, August 16, 2013

my love-hate relationship with time.

the right thing to do will probably be the most difficult thing to do.

words that brought me assurance and anger - depending on the day of course.

i remember telling myself: if only i could forgive you. if only i could move on. if only i could sever myself from all things that remind me of you.

the number one word people tell you when something terrible has happened - as though it's an answer-all solution {which, by the way, it is and it isn't} is the word time.

i had pastors, parents, friends, a therapist {which i believe highly in - my therapist was a saint sent from heaven, let me tell you. i'd begin to lose sight of myself and heather was always there to pull me back}
anyways, everyone said: time, madison, time.

but when does the time run out? 

heather: how long did it take you to get over your depression? well, this was traumatic, so double the time starting now. 

and then: definitely one year.

followed by a different answer from a different person: definitely one year after everything ends.

and back in june: two years starting from the day you forgive.

two years?!? i don't have two years. i never did, and i never will.

time: the period of life that allows you to grow and realize the truth and learn who you are and what you want and what you need. blah blah blah.

so i forgave. i did, and i told you guys about it.

and you know what?

nearly two years of working past all of the shit life threw my way and finally, this road of mine has diverged into something i am proud of.
not to say that things are perfect.

i'm scared of this new move of mine, though i am beyond excited for this semester.
i'm scared that i am beginning to have feelings for someone whom i hardly even know - learning to trust again has been a major endeavor for me the past two years.
i don't know how i am going to begin to support myself financially but i will be praying and job searching as much as i can.

but the people in my life could not make me happier.
everything is simple, and in that i am content.

as i sit here today and i look at where life has led me, i am realizing that i built this little life of mine. no one has forced me to do anything. and that's why it's all so beautiful.

i knew i was choosing the road less traveled when i decided to step away nearly two years ago.
and everyone said that i would reap all that i had sown.
it all grew in a bit late,
but it's here.
the flowers are here and the weeds have been picked out.
and there is a gratitude that i find in this time that i have spent toiling away fixing this and fixing that.

i've learned what i like and what i want and who i am and where i need to be.
i've learned to not look for answers, but rather to trust that time will tell me what i need for now.

so, dearest time,
as much as i have resented you for so long, i am learning to love you.
and as of right now, i am wholly dependent upon you and the unknown that you, once more, present me with.

sincerely, the girl who formerly hated time.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

all of the things that come with a first kiss.

i was sitting in a coffee shop when my direction was pointed towards you.
as i turned around i couldn't believe what was happening.
but there you were, handsome as ever.

my hands were shaky and i felt heat rising in my face.
all of the anticipation of seeing you had come to a halt,
and i felt completely at peace.

later that night you held my hand for the first time.
your hands are warm and caring and secure.
my nerves were in a frenzy and i could hardly hold my thoughts together,
and yet one thought remained constant: i wanted to stay within that moment for as long as i could.

it took you until the next morning when you finally did what you respectfully didn't do at berkeley:
you kissed me.
and everything about it was just right.
slowly you leaned in closer and closer
and i reminded myself to stay calm. breathe.
you kissed me once and then again and again,
and as you did you brushed my hair aside and you looked at me intently.
your hand on my cheek kept me focused,
though i couldn't help my occasional laughter.
not just because how i met your mother played in the background,
but because everything about the moment was so wonderful that i had to admire the funny way
that life can be.
i never ever saw you coming, which is why this whole thing is the darnedest thing.

my thoughts boomed with certainty and with doubt.
i was certain that i wanted to pick you, and i wanted with everything to say
after only three weeks i pick you and i cannot even say why.
and yet i doubted that such a wonderful thing could ever happen again.
i wanted to say just how special the whole day was for me, but i knew that the day
was something any other girl was capable of.
and i could never ask you to stay and wait and see.
and i wondered why the boy from berkeley would want to wait with the girl
who is determined to go against the norm and stick to her old fashioned ways.
the girl who is willing to say what the hell, let's try this thing out?
so you kissed that girl and now some things have changed.

we have agreed to wait and see what will happen,
if you're in i'm in.
and so far, they're the most frightening words i've said so far.
because they're both a promise to stay and in excuse to leave all in one.

regardless of everything, mr. berkeley,
you are wonderful and handsome and charming and kind.
i don't care about all of your counter arguments of how you're not really as charming or good as i say.

all i care about right now is the way you held my hand,
the way you looked me in my eyes,
and the way you kissed me goodbye.
because they all said something about who you are.

the end.

Monday, August 12, 2013

inspiration from pinterest.

 somewhere like venice always sounds good.
 crisp white shirts = love love love.
one day i want a kitchen that doesn't quite work and that is worn in all
of the right places. kitchens are for food fights, and dancing, and 
great conversations and laughs.

 this place looks nice, too.
 today i packed all of my knee highs from oregon, despite the fact that 
i'm about to live in so-cal. i just can't help this love of mine.
 this might be my favorite wallpaper...ever.

 because i'm still too broke to get my arm done.
because i've always wanted to live in a yellow house.
and if you needed me, i wish that this would be where you could find me.

the end.

{find these images on my page here}

Saturday, August 10, 2013


For the longest way round is the shortest way home.

-C.S. Lewis {Mere Christianity}

sometimes it's the words of this former atheist that remind me why my faith is the best thing i've got.

Friday, August 9, 2013

a little video:

i found this here.
and the full article is here.

i don't know if i could ever just stop my life like this couple did,
but their story is absolutely beautiful.

jules and my last thursday.

 ^^^this one pretty much sums up the way each of us approach life.
 ^^^but this is how we look at life when we're with people. 

jules and i are a far cry from normal. especially when it comes to the events that have unfolded within these past three years. however, those years would have been absolutely intolerable without her. 
both of us are doing much better now
and it's amazing to see how far we've come.
i love her to bits and will miss her dearly when i move.
these photos are a tribute to last year's photos which were taken around the same time.