Tuesday, August 6, 2013
lately i love:
the iced coffee at starbucks that's bitter enough to be enjoyable - shark week, because i'm actually taking the time to sit in front of the television and relax - poetry books from the library, they smell so good and old, and the men that compose them make me fall in love with words all over again - oversized t-shirts because they make me feel prettiest - my crazy, untamable, curly hair (romania changed my entire outlook on vanity) - how i met your mother (how on earth did i never watch this show?!) - witty conversations - singing louder than i usually do - blueberries, though in moderation - each and every foggy morning that makes life feel like being back in the 'berg - dreaming of my next adventure and where that might lead me - thinking like how i assume jane austen might have thought when composing love stories - sitting down when life feels too much for me to handle, suddenly my mini-anxiety attacks are beginning to subside - opening up the bible as often as i can, how i've missed that big guy up stairs - old watches and men's shoes - kinfolk pictures and the humor of karl the fog - telling my mom that i'm going to elope for the mere amusement of seeing her squirm over the matter - my class schedule, because jane austen is on the list - the freedom that forgiveness has given me these past few weeks - the fact that fall seems to be moments away -
Today the little girls that I nanny were talking to me about their "boyfriend" problems. No, they don't have boyfriends...they're not even in the first grade. Anyways, their mother openly said that she hopes that the two of them date as much as they can while in their young adult years. She looked me square in the eye and warned, "Now don't you go falling in love in Irvine."
"Of course not, I promise." And then I told her my plan of waiting for the right guy to come along and she agreed that, yes, this is good...but she also stressed the importance of dating for a while...years even, and as many people as it takes.
I must admit that I saw her point: learn what you like and what you don't like. Learn more and more about yourself and grow. Very excellent advice.
Then the timid, hopeless romantic came out of me and I begged the question, "But what if I can't stand the repeated heartbreak over and over again?" What if my heartbreak was too big and plenty for one lifetime? She considered this and preceded with her original answer: learn and wait and date.
I know I've been discussing this same topic lately but I've had my share of questions since Romania when I asked people, "How on earth do people that feel the need to travel find someone to fall in love with?!" I honestly had this sinking feeling that the fish in the sea became very few when you take yourself out of a normal dating environment and place yourself in the middle of nowhere, completely committed to the service of others.
And tonight, with a friend at dinner, I asked once more the same question and I said that it is so frightening to wonder who else would want what I want out of life. My friend said that she doesn't want to date many guys...she's satisfied with waiting and hoping that her next serious relationship is her last. I used to believe this mentality but now I have to wonder: What does it take and how do people do it?
Sure, I've heard the famous line: It will happen when you least expect it. But aren't we kidding ourselves when we say that we're not expecting it? Isn't the thought always existent somewhere within our hearts and minds? And before this sounds a bit obsessive I will admit that, no, I most definitely do not wonder whether the guy standing in line in Starbucks is my future husband nor do I believe that everything happens for a reason...because I am a huge believer in plain and simple coincidence. But I do have my moments every now and again where reality is obvious. When my friends are all meeting guys at parties. Or when a couple from college gets engaged. Or even those couples in church that sit ever so close and right in front of you, distracting you from the sermon and reminding you of what God hasn't blessed you with. (No bitterness intended, but rather a laugh.) Yes, I laugh. Because I'm nineteen and nowhere near wanting to be married. So maybe I have learned from my heartbreak what I do want...And I think that the best way to put it is that I don't want just anyone, I want a best friend and the security that comes with that. I don't want some fling with some guy from some place or some party. I want trust and character and laughter and silliness.
So I guess my questions will all go unanswered for now because, really, who on earth can answer the questions of a nineteen year old girl who's doing her very best to figure out this whole beautiful/complicated life? And really, I don't know if I necessarily want all of the answers. I'd much more appreciate some road signs...perhaps a map even. But then where would all the fun be, right? Thanks, guys, for putting up with all of my ramblings.
You all are wonderful :)