Friday, August 16, 2013

my love-hate relationship with time.

the right thing to do will probably be the most difficult thing to do.

words that brought me assurance and anger - depending on the day of course.

i remember telling myself: if only i could forgive you. if only i could move on. if only i could sever myself from all things that remind me of you.

the number one word people tell you when something terrible has happened - as though it's an answer-all solution {which, by the way, it is and it isn't} is the word time.

i had pastors, parents, friends, a therapist {which i believe highly in - my therapist was a saint sent from heaven, let me tell you. i'd begin to lose sight of myself and heather was always there to pull me back}
anyways, everyone said: time, madison, time.

but when does the time run out? 

heather: how long did it take you to get over your depression? well, this was traumatic, so double the time starting now. 

and then: definitely one year.

followed by a different answer from a different person: definitely one year after everything ends.

and back in june: two years starting from the day you forgive.

two years?!? i don't have two years. i never did, and i never will.

time: the period of life that allows you to grow and realize the truth and learn who you are and what you want and what you need. blah blah blah.

so i forgave. i did, and i told you guys about it.

and you know what?

nearly two years of working past all of the shit life threw my way and finally, this road of mine has diverged into something i am proud of.
not to say that things are perfect.

i'm scared of this new move of mine, though i am beyond excited for this semester.
i'm scared that i am beginning to have feelings for someone whom i hardly even know - learning to trust again has been a major endeavor for me the past two years.
i don't know how i am going to begin to support myself financially but i will be praying and job searching as much as i can.

but the people in my life could not make me happier.
everything is simple, and in that i am content.

as i sit here today and i look at where life has led me, i am realizing that i built this little life of mine. no one has forced me to do anything. and that's why it's all so beautiful.

i knew i was choosing the road less traveled when i decided to step away nearly two years ago.
and everyone said that i would reap all that i had sown.
it all grew in a bit late,
but it's here.
the flowers are here and the weeds have been picked out.
and there is a gratitude that i find in this time that i have spent toiling away fixing this and fixing that.

i've learned what i like and what i want and who i am and where i need to be.
i've learned to not look for answers, but rather to trust that time will tell me what i need for now.

so, dearest time,
as much as i have resented you for so long, i am learning to love you.
and as of right now, i am wholly dependent upon you and the unknown that you, once more, present me with.

sincerely, the girl who formerly hated time.

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