Sunday, August 4, 2013

the look.

i had a conversation with alyssa earlier today about "the look" -
you know, the one you get from your other half in a relationship?
yes, that look.

yesterday she and i, and her boyfriend and his best friend spent the day in san
francisco, getting lost, eating food, driving around, and briefly seeing berkeley.
it was a downright good day, and probably my most favorite {or one of} from this summer.
not because it was anything special or great, but because the company was just right.

i'm starting to like a boy and, like any other time, i have butterflies and nerves and questions.
but this time is a bit different.
this time my questions are simpler, and yet i dread the answers because,
for once, the odds are completely against me in that distance is an issue.
{let's cross our fingers that berkeley boy hasn't found his way over here or else i just might
die of embarrassment}

so yes, the odds of distance aren't quite my friend at the moment.
but back to what i was initially saying:
alyssa and i were talking about "the look"
and i actually found myself tearing up {though i have no idea why}
over the conversation, and then she did too.

i told her how happy i was that she is now so very happy and very much
falling for a wonderful guy.
i observed them for the first time yesterday. they were perfect, the two of them.
he carried himself with a sense of protection and claim for my friend...and not
some kind of derogatory claim, but a caring one.
as if to say, she's mine and i can't believe she's mine.

i watched their mannerisms together and how she looked at him
when he sang in the car and how he looked at her in return.
i watched as he listened to her and as he took concern over whatever it was that she was saying.

and it was all really beautiful, actually.
although i have always played the cynic on the surface,
my closest friends know all that i am sharing right now:
that i believe, truly, in the respect and love and encouragement that can exist
between two people no matter what age or what circumstance.

for a moment, let's just disregard the man that i am slowly beginning to like more and more
because associating him with this so soon seems a bit unfair and sudden, and {for me} frightening.
but after spending a day watching my friend, and after spending the afternoon in the company
of a man who truly shifted my thinking, i can't help but feel that maybe, perhaps, there exists all the hope in the world of having what my friend has. at least i'd like to think so.

sure i've had some nice men come into my life briefly and cause me to think that yes, i do feel
good about all of this i suppose..
but no one has made me actually step back and rethink my stigmas and assumptions,
until yesterday.

i'm happy to be rethinking all of this,
but with that happiness comes the reality that the person who
has caused a bit of a ruckus over here in the mind and feelings of madison might not
be one to stick around and prove me wrong some more.
not because he isn't a good guy or because he's a flake, but because distance
really is an awful thing at the moment.
actually, it makes me feel entirely sick to my stomach.
and when it does i step back once more and i ask myself,
madison, what is happening to you? why on earth do you feel this way? this. doesn't. happen to you. ever.

so i wonder to myself what is happening to the cynic inside who enjoys openly
doubting love or feelings or whatever the hell you like to call it.
i wonder about the girl who said that she'd never feel the same way again...the girl who said she'd never let anyone close enough ever again.
she said that she would be fine,
she wanted to settle on coldness and remain numb because the thought of ever opening
up all over again seemed too much to handle.
but then i wonder some more about the sick aching feeling that announces itself through my day,
and then i know for a fact...i am certain of it. i'm not numb anymore.

the aching sinking feeling is the very one i'd tried to lay to rest forever.
the feeling of longing for the look.
the feeling of longing to be looked at by someone handsome and someone mine,
and knowing that in the very moment he's thinking that you're someone beautiful and someone who is his.

i saw this feeling coming yesterday when i finally felt myself feel comfortable around the complete stranger. i found it when i sat at the top of berkeley, or wherever i was, looking out at a black, fog-covered night.
we were supposed to be seeing the skyline of san francisco,
though it was densely blocked.

but i sat there anyways with a handsome man who took the day to be a gentleman.
after a while he put his warm, safe arm around me and nearly made me melt with nerves.

we sat and we looked out into nothing...kind of like the nothing i've been staring at for over one year...though it didn't matter at all to me that we were staring at nothing, because i knew that deep and far beyond that dark fog was a beautiful skyline lit with life.

and i knew that within that there was a bit of light for me, somewhere and in some way.
and that with that light there would come a look...especially meant for me.
a look that would say, you're mine and i'm yours and nothing is perfect but this is just right.

so, i don't know.
i guess feelings are kind of the best and worst things ever.
and i guess that time and life just work things out...they always have.
berkeley boy is wonderful and any girl would be blessed to have him.
for now things are too early and i just want to know him more without
the pressures that life and people and circumstances bring.

no expectations, some hopes, and a whole lot of feeling smitten.

the end.

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