Monday, September 30, 2013

ready...set...i'm going to make the most out of this week!

"God has pursued me in creative and whimsical ways, ways that initially did not get my attention. Nevertheless, He wouldn’t stop. That’s what love does — it pursues blindly, unflinchingly, and without end. When you go after something you love, you’ll do anything it takes to get it, even if it costs everything."
— Love Does // Bob Goff & via 

happy monday!
happy studying!
happy...whatever it is that consumes your time.
i'm determined to make this week good.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

oh, sunday.

academically speaking, today has been god awful.
and this week is going to be as well.

but hey, education is a good thing, right?
and it's entirely self inflicted...right?

hooray for the stresses of fall semester as well as the stresses of signing
up for spring semester classes.

i'll just go crawl in a hole now and sleep for forever.
i'm a school-girl-crier. i will curse and cry at every book that i have to read.
today was no exception.

so i'm going to go m.i.a. for the next week.
and if i make it to friday, i will definitely take myself shopping.
or go home for the weekend.

after a week like this, i might need to take mom up on her offer and just go home and sleep.

so these made me laugh.
and i'm totally in each predicament right about now.
this week is about to be insane.
bring it, life.

well, i did find some valuable HIMYM time this morning. it felt great.
so true. what's up with the prices, so-cal?
the baristas are going to know my name. just you watch.
it is my ultimate goal to avoid this for my entire week.
every english major's problem. we talk about this almost everyday in between classes.
every time.
every single time. 
actually, her exact words were "mads, you look like a hot mess." thank you. 
that's the plan.

Friday, September 27, 2013

i got a phone call just now

from a friend in good old newberg, oregon.
she's the kind of friend you invite to your wedding
even if you've gone a couple years without seeing one another.

anyways, there was a dance at my old college
and it was there that a little lost love of hers stumbled back into her life not even an hour ago.

i was the first person she called.
when she did i actually thought that she was in tears.
turns out she was excited. smitten, really.

so she screamed, and as i translated the screams i realized why she was so thrilled.
so i began to yell and laugh and become very excited for my friend.

she then said that when they're married i get a special seat for the wedding.
{there's that private school kid marriage mentality talk} ;)

it was kind of great to hear her voice.
i miss my oregonians so much.
every day.

living with three girls is so great for this season in my life,
but i can't help but realize that i survived living with 20+ females last semester.
each of them are going to do great things, and i won't know about all of it for the most part.
but then there's a handful of them that will call.

even when time has passed and i haven't called and they haven't called.

someone will call.

maybe next time there will be tears,
but for now we all have thrilling things to say
and we know how fun it is to be this young.

my friend wants to marry this guy.
her enthusiasm is completely intoxicating.

and i couldn't help but laugh to myself about just how
loud our phone call was. about how i felt my whole building could hear
me. because getting excited for people is one of my favorite things.

my roommate's boyfriend is preparing to leave overseas for the marines
and he wrote her the simplest letter.
i may or may not have teared up.
my roommate laughed but i couldn't help but admire their relationship.

i love love so very much.
so does my friend in oregon.
but i mostly love it for others, because it's so beautiful to watch.
i usually want to say to a couple, "now stop! let me take this in and write about it."

sharing that mutual love with someone who lives so far away
just reminds me that people can be miles away and things can go on as they should.
and i know that she and i will be friends for quite some time now.

i can't wait to see portland again.


Thursday, September 26, 2013

today i like:

1. iced coffee
2. nap time
3. legos and hot wheels {because they make all the difference
for a three year old boy during a meltdown}
4. netflix. because it's been my goal every night this week and it 
has yet to happen
5. people who wave or smile. warm greetings are my favorite.
6. fiction. because that's what class is all about today and i can hardly wait.
7. booties and rolled up jeans because
8. men's shoes, too. i'd wear them all if i could.
9. my morning drive to work because early in the morning is the best time of the day.
10. unexpected phone calls from boyfriend, even if i'm almost asleep. they always make me jump up out of happiness.

the end. 

p.s. my life now consists of lots of "child-things" again. 
i love it so much.
once again i'm being taught things that i either forgot or never knew.
the imagination of the little three year old in my life astounds me.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

the longest week and it's only wednesday.

everything about this week has been long,
and wonderful.

no complaints...other than there should definitely
be a few hours added on to each day.
for sleep purposes, of course.

side note: i cannot believe i'm saying this,
but all i've wanted to do for the past couple
of days is go to the beach.

although i'm ready for oregon beach weather.
wind, cold, dreary.

newport beach is no cannon beach but i'd settle for either
right about now.

currently as i do homework:

Monday, September 23, 2013

i love this.

" -- the same God who created life in you can be trusted with the details of your life." // Matthew 6:25

-because there is so much reading and writing and studying to be done.
-because i got blessed with a job that i never even saw coming, and it's 
exactly what i prayed for down to the last detail of hour.
-because i need sleep. so much sleep right about now.
-because i was given a relationship that i feel so undeserving of, and yet
i feel entirely glad in each day because of it.
-because sometimes you just need a little bit of jesus in your day, right? i mean, i know i'd
be a god-awful person if i didn't get a little bit of time to just breathe and get some motivation from the guy.
-because maybe one of you needed to hear a little bit of matthew today.

today has felt so long, but there have already been little blessings throughout it
that are helping me to stay on task and stay awake.

i hope that everyone else is having this good of a monday, even if it's hectic.


Sunday, September 22, 2013

berkeley boy.

i spent the day in berkeley yesterday.
it was my first time seeing the city by day.
it was beautiful, and i loved it.
it is polar opposite to so-cal, and so of course i loved it.

any day with berkeley boy is good.
technically we've only spent five days together.
but to us it feels like more.

he's the first guy in such a long time to
not cause any pressure.
i feel like we could lay around all day
and neither one of us would grow bored or have
expectations to keep busy all of the time.

i also feel entirely comfortable sharing a meal with him.
in fact, i love looking up from my food and seeing him sit
there across from me.

and he not only lets me spin around whenever i like,
but he spun a bit too.

time is easy with him.
and while i know that things will never
be perfect and time will most definitely not always be easy,
i want to be able to do good and bad with him.

i feel secure when i stand next to him,
and the feeling is so wonderful.
i don't feel like there is anything i have to prove, either.
and i'm not always this eager to hear what someone else has to say.

i wish i could spend more time with him each week,
but the amount of time we're allotted at this stage in our relationship
exceeds having no time at all.
i am grateful for this guy everyday, and i can finally say that he's mine.

i didn't see this coming when i first met him,
though all day i wanted to talk to him and to stand out to him.
i figured that i didn't, and hardly gave much thought to it the rest of the day.
but here we are.

it's been two months, but yesterday was the beginning of claiming one another.
it's all so new and small, and i want to treat it with care and with some privacy.

jesse and i had a whole lot of rain and a whole lot of luck yesterday.
but really, i don't feel all that lucky. i feel entirely blessed.

Friday, September 20, 2013

a few things that are helping me survive this tiredness

because i really haven't felt this tired in a few weeks.
i might even go and take a nap right now...a nap?! yep.
despite the fact that i don't care for naps, i am definitely thinking
that some more sleep will do me good.

anyways, a few things that have totally helped me survive the past twenty-four hours:

-lists! i had six different lists, one for each day this week.
i am just now throwing out the last list, seeing that i just turned in my last assignments of the week

-iced chai from starbucks. so good. so helpful

-a hot shower. what really tops a hot shower? let's be honest.

-the white album of the beatles. it makes a pretty, sunrise morning on the road feel like a million bucks

-my tea kettle at home. one of my favorite things in the world is a quiet kitchen in the morning. i loved walking into my house, greeted by my dog eddie, and putting on the kettle.

-emergen-c for that tea kettle! i've figured that since i'm going to be taking care of a nine month old and a three year old for five days out of the week i need to be as healthy as possible. and just when i thought that my preparation for motherhood days were over... ;)

okay, that's all.
i can hardly even type straight so pardon any grammar mistakes.
i'm looking forward to my weekend and i hope that you all are as well.


oh, and this is one of my favorites from this morning.
i love them. driving to it reminds me of nanny days when we
would come home from piano and i would put the beatles on and the
kids would ask a million questions about them.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

so right now

i'm currently slammed by endless amounts of reading and writing.
i swear, it won't end.
and as stressful and hectic as today was, i've never had a greater
appreciation for my education.
tomorrow is my first bible exam in months and i'm just as nervous
as i was the first time i was tested on the torah last year in a class taught by
this amazing professor from harvard. i say that last part because i felt frightened by
where he had earned his education from.

but i'm learning that it doesn't quite matter where the education comes from,
it only matters how you respect it and how you use it.
right now the work seems to be using me more than anything,
but i'm the one who signed myself up, right?

i was laying on the couch last night with a friend and i was talking on and on
about some story in the bible and what i thought about it.
i was saying how frustrated i feel that no one ever cares to look at just how human everyone was in the imperfect they were.
and i wonder how they felt - figuring out this whole life thing.
they all screwed up. some more than i ever will.

so i suppose it's only fair of me to admit that there is a bit of pride
i take in studying creationism and those that came from it.
right now? well, right now i have no desire to take an exam on the covenants and the torah.
but then i remember that it was this class last year, with a frightening professor from harvard {who turned out to be not so frightening after all} that made me think hmmm maybe, just maybe, i want to be a professor someday too.
i figured it would be in something along the lines of theology
{until i took one too many theology classes and realized that my love hate relationship is far too much to commit my life to classes full of bible lectures}.

who knew that one year later i'd be sitting in my apartment in the middle of orange county,
a declared english major {and loving it},
and studying the old testament all over again.
who knew that i'd still want to be a professor someday...way in the future, i might add.

who knew life would be this crazy and good.
or better yet, this crazy good.

i can't wait to sleep.
and to kick that test in the ass.
and to go home to berkeley boy.
i miss my guy most.

the end.

dear wednesday,

this is all i want today.
something sweet and pretty.
because the past few days have been anything but.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

pretty words today

"The what-if's & the should-have's will eat your brain." -John O'Callaghan

"Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and, if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important" -C.S. Lewis

"If it’s both terrifying and amazing then you should definitely pursue it." -Erada

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." -A.A. Milne.

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans." -Woody Allen

"I am not young enough to know everything." -Oscar Wilde

"I believe in kindness. Also in mischief." -Mary Oliver

“Someday, somewhere - anywhere, unfailingly, you'll find yourself, and that, and only that, can be the happiest or bitterest hour of your life.”  -Pablo Neruda

"Smile. It confuses people."

If nothing else, one day you can look someone straight in the eyes and say, “But I lived through it. And it made me who I am today.” -Iain S. Thomas

i collect words and quotes and hoard them away in a little book,
and sometimes when i need to breathe a little from all of the "school" things that i have to read, i pull out my book and read pretty things that others have to say.

these ten are some of my favorites.

the end.

Monday, September 16, 2013


a friend of mine posted this picture to my facebook wall today and told me that we need this.

i've actually been pricing this one and an orwell pullover for quite some time now.
the website is called out of print clothing and it's downright awesome.
i want this pullover.
so does she.

and yet we're both still saving to go get tattoos.
s t i l l .
how many times have i missed the opportunity in the past two years?
too many times!
but i'm going to do it. i've been talking about it for years.
one day i'm just going to go and do it and surprise everyone.

the tattoos are gonna happen and so are these sweatshirts,
so cross our fingers that tomorrow's job interview is a success!

for now, i love you, gatsby.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

it happened.

it'll happen. it'll just happen and you'll know.

heather was so wise. she had age, experience, and several degrees over me,
so to avoid her advice would have been really stupid.

and yet i still countered her with the buts and the ifs and the whens...all in a negative way, of course.

heather is long gone {and a whole state away}
but i kept all of the advice she gave me, and sometimes i forget to just pull it out and use it...
that is until i got a roommate who isn't afraid to argue me.

last night we were in line at a restaurant and we flat out argued about it.
the other night we were driving and we had a whole argument about it.
and anytime i begin to say anything that she might not like, she shuts me up and tells me i'm wrong.

it's kind of wonderful.
i don't mind a bit of arguing because a lot of honesty comes from it,
and, if played fair, i've always found that there's some laughter in the end.
or, in our case, lots of laughter.
though i don't always admit to her what it is exactly that i'm feeling.
i just can't. not with everyone.

i've learned that the best kept secrets are ones that can only
be attained by particular people.
so i laugh and i tell myself to not say anymore.
let it go.

so yesterday she said that she's my new-unlicensed heather.
and i, in madison fashion, replied with a: hell no you're not.

but she kind of is to an extent.

and then there's alyssa.
a person who knows me better than most.

we hadn't had a conversation in a week or two until last
night, and that's when i finally found myself saying it.

that's when it happened.

i know that all of you girls know what i'm talking about.
it's basically "the talk" that takes place with only a friend.

so i told her everything.
everything i'd been arguing myself and other friends about,
i just told her without her even asking.

and as scary as it was i felt so damn good after.


honesty with oneself...and the talk with a best friend.

had this talk been in person there would have been lots of screaming and laughing.
i probably would have cried.
because i'm a shameless crier, of course.

because i cried every time i sat in the chair across from heather,
or across from a friend over coffee,
and in between the words it will happen. it just will. and you will know.

they were all right.
every last one of them.

it happened.
and it's frightening.

alyssa confirmed what i couldn't confirm out loud.

assurance. a beautiful thing, really.

common ground. because she's been there, she's seen me, she knows.

heather would be so proud.
that's what i told myself yesterday,
in between the pick-me-ups and hold-me-downs that come with
old habits and mentalities.

i also thought of all the coffee dates,
and yells that i've accumulated over the two years.

all very messy.
none of it me.
but some other girl who doubted me.

and yet, here i am...and it happened.

i'd known for some time until i was finally able to say it.
and no one had to wrestle it out of me
because they were right all along: it would happen and i would know.

i now know what i didn't know then
but what i've known for a bit of time.

fortunately i keep telling myself that it doesn't really count
because i haven't spoken it out loud.

texts don't count in this case, i suppose. ;)
though the words can't be taken back now,

but then again, what the hell.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

a little romania in my morning.

one of my teammates shared the drop box file with me this morning and i came across pictures and videos of my word made flesh trip! i was so excited to see every one's faces again. this place is still so vivid to me, and not a day goes by that it doesn't cross my mind.
i definitely want everyone to see romania. and i'm not kidding, i will end up dragging someone to eastern europe with me one of these days.

so there's quite a few photos, and to see them, just continue to read on. there's no photos with children in order to respect their privacy and to protect them, but there are some random photos that i included because they made me nostalgic. 

have a beautiful saturday!
i'm all rested up and have a full day of work ahead of me.

Friday, September 13, 2013

lesson learned.

i remember the opinions of others.
everyone offered me words of advice as if they knew he and i -
as if they actually understood what we needed at the time.

i still to this day cannot tell you the entire story of the end because
the opinions of others tainted the truth so deeply.
due to this, i vowed to never let the opinions of others consume me.
i think that's how the saying goes.

and it's difficult.
i don't like when negativity is
spoken into people's lives, especially when it's directed towards
their relationship.
my mom gave me excellent advice today: no one knows what the 
two of you know.

she's right {as moms typically are}
but the comments regarding who i've chosen
to be with still burn, nonetheless.
the comparisons that people draw between who i am
and who i am amongst other girls is also another burn.
the comparisons i often draw do the exact same thing.

though it's a burn i'm more than willing to take every now
and again because, at the end of the day, this is who i am and i refuse to change that.

and really, i can deal with the comments and the doubts and the eye-rolls,
but today was long and this week was stressful
and i should have crawled into bed hours ago with a good book.
and i should have ignored the comments.

lesson learned for today - there's no harm in it.
tomorrow is new, and that's a wonderful thing.
and, really, no one knows my relationship but he and i, and
it really is no one else's business which is why i like to keep
my thoughts about it so private amongst even my closest friends.

friday, you were long and tedious and now it's time to
call it quits and find that book to crawl into bed with.
i'm waving my little white flag for now.

the end.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

here's to a night full of homework and a craving for cold weather:

happy studying to those of you who are english majors as well!

i want to go everywhere in the world with you.

today was the study abroad fair here on campus.
to say i was excited about all of my potential traveling opportunities
would be an understatement.
i have two booklets right now filled with all of the information i need to
take off on a plane and lose myself in another culture for a few weeks to a couple of months.

things like study abroad fairs make me feel both excited and nervous.
i'm excited due to the idea of travel,
yet i feel sick at the idea of a trip not working out.

i can't really describe it.
remember what i said on my last post about not being able to stay in one place?
it's because the idea of passing through life comfortably is one that doesn't sit well with me.

i've always had this dream of traveling and meeting people and eating weird foods and
walking in the shoes of amazing individuals.
now that i'm at the age where this is possible, i feel overwhelmed by the amount of
places there are to see and the amount of things there are to do.

i am so fearful of regret that i try my best to make decisions that i feel will
bring me the most satisfaction throughout my life.
so, i want to choose my countries wisely because i really don't know when or if
i will be able to travel again.

i've always had this idea that, in a perfect world, once i become a mom
{because really, my most valued and private dream in life is to be a wife and a mom}
i'll still be able to find a year here and there where i can take my baby and my husband and
go somewhere that takes us away from the comforts of america.
even if it is just a week or two at a time.
i want he and i to know when it's time to take ourselves out of a routine,
and i want us to crave adventure together.

i think that mom's have the most rewarding and fulfilling jobs,
but i can't see myself staying put until my littles are grown.
i want to be able to know things about life and to share those things
with my kids. i want to watch their reactions to the world around them,
and i want them to know that there is a god who has created this whole world and
it's here for them to experience and be knowledgable about.

i want to be the mom that's been there, done that.
the mom who takes her kids to the museum on a saturday before or after soccer practice.
the mom who doesn't say don't touch that, because i want my kids to be able to touch and experience as much of life as possible.
the mom who has stuff everywhere, not because she doesn't keep a clean house but because she believes that her kids should try to cook if they want to cook, or paint if they want to paint, and make the messes in life that need to be made so that they can grow.

when i was growing up i liked to impersonate people and to write and to perform for audiences or the video camera {i have one too many embarrassing videos, let me tell you.}
i would write comedy scripts in my journal or come up with plays and stories.
no one ever told me no and i am so grateful for that.
my dad has always said that no one encouraged him to go and chase his dreams,
so he is absolutely adamant that i do whatever it is in life that allows me to grow and chase what i love.
and because my writing was encouraged throughout my childhood, i now carry it with me everywhere.
if i could write about people for the rest of my life i would feel so content.

i started my adventure in oregon, continued it in romania and through moldova, and now i'm looking for the next part, whether it be in paris, italy, or even cambridge. there are so many options!

and life is so beautiful!
the thought of sitting by and watching it go
just isn't going to ever be enough.
i don't understand how anyone could go through life
in one place, never wondering about the billions of
others that exist.

the end.

12 facts because it's 12 and because it's the 12th

1. i think that august and september are a complete waste of time. usually summer has grown old and i just want the holidays, but they seem to never come. january is a waste, too. all that cold, and no christmas.

2. i will intentionally go out of my way to avoid the color pink. i just hate it. all the time.

3. i used to be such an organized person. and in the last two years i don't know what's happened. i find complete peace in clutter, and even in a bit of chaos. and i've always needed something to be off...i just like a bit of a mess to get me through life, is all.

4. i am always in the mood for breakfast. always. even right now.

5. i have a hard time staying in one place. i always feel the need to be somewhere else, to be doing something else. i haven't decided whether or not this is one of my good traits or completely unfortunate.

6. if i could have any song to my life it would be how it ends by devotchka OR their other version, the winner is, from the little miss sunshine soundtrack. i hear that song and i swear the whole world stops.

7. flowers are my favorite present in the entire world. i just love them. and i love people who give them to me. and when the flowers die, that's my favorite part. i just love old, washed out things. they're so beautiful.

8. i thrive off of awkward situations, specifically awkward silence. if i can be with someone who is totally okay with not saying a word every now and again, i am a happy camper. sometimes i will go great amounts of time without saying anything and i'm not even bothered by it. my mother would call this rude, i call it talent.

9. i knew i really liked berkeley boy when he let me spin round and round. i've learned that not everyone cares for spinning. sometimes i even decide to spin the wrong way...but the guy still lets me, and it's wonderful.

10. a huge fear of mine is raffles. i'm not kidding. i don't care if someone is raffling off something great, i will not enter my name. what if it's called? what if i win? it's nearly as bad as the first day of classes when every professor calls your name on roll-call. i never know what to say. it's horrible and i hate it.

11.  i have only camped once, seen snow once, trick-or-treated once {i'm almost certain} and been to disneyland once. i have a lot of childhood making up to do now that i'm an adult.

12. i'm a quotes hoarder. i will consume words like an old lady collects cats. sometimes i feel this urge to whip out a quote in a conversation but i stop myself because i realize that not everyone cares what neruda or woolf or lewis or bukowski have to say. and what a shame, right?!

the end. goodnight.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

dear berkeley boy,

thank you for getting locked out of the library for me.
you really shouldn't have.
but i loved hearing your voice, nonetheless.

let's go whale watching some time after we see europe for four weeks {not three}
and let me pay for dinner next time -
if you let me, i promise i won't talk in metaphors,
and maybe i'll even let our imaginary dog sleep on my side of the bed.

i still don't understand why you call or why you still hold on -
and i don't need you to tell my why, because i believe
what you've already said.

i already know that you will roll your eyes at this and say, "you're such a girl."
but listen to me, kid, when i say that i am such a girl, and a good one at that.

and yes, this causes me to say silly things that i really do mean,
and it causes me to want to buy you dinner just to be defiant,
and, most importantly, it causes me to go absolutely weak in the knees
the minute your name comes up or the minute you enter a room.

that's just the way it is,
and i'm perfectly fine with it.

the end.

i had a good laugh today:

my mischievous little niece decided to try and unlock her
ipod for god knows how long...and this happened...
my sister and brother in law are extremely amused by it,
and i just laughed and laughed.

jules, you are one of my most favorite people.
i love you and the little ways you make me laugh.

by the way, this many minutes equals forty-three years.
making jules fifty years old when her ipod is finally unlocked ;)

what to do when it's five a.m. and you find yourself a lot like me.

1. look at your phone, only to find out that it's five a.m. {darn you, sleep}

2. also see that there are three missed calls, six messages, and one voicemail from one very handsome guy that you have been eager to talk to. {darn you, sleep, again}

3. check your online banking, only to realize that money dwindles even faster than you assumed.

okay, word of advice: never check your online banking at five a.m.

why, you may ask?

because if you're basically a screwed up sleeper like i am, numbers will ruin your sleep even more.

sooo, now it's 5:38 a.m. and i am sitting here in the living room, about to finish job applications, well, because of that darn online banking.

i hate money.
not just because i hate numbers.
but because money is a total burden.
and it totally just shouldn't matter.
but it does.

and now it's killed my sleep.
and when six p.m. rolls around, i'm going to hope to god that i'm still awake in class.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Just because.

"Because I'm used to games."
Because everything was always a game.
I always had to be two steps ahead and ready
to defend myself against lies and criticism.

Because I always pointed to the door, and gave permission
for him to leave.
Because giving him permission to leave felt much better
than fighting for someone who didn't want to stay.
Because perhaps if I pulled the rug out from under us, 
well, then I was the one in control...I wasn't the one being caught off guard.
Because I learned how to be selfish, that's where the control thing came in.
Because being considered selfish was far better than facing the brokenness of trust.

Because the next guy always found a problem.
"Not with you," he would say, because the issue was what appeared to be my lack of morals.
But the thing was that my morals were all I had, so the problem was me.
Because I used the F word one too many times, and because when he met me I was "out of control,"
which was, by the way, completely false but totally flattering in some strange way. 

Because holding my hand in church might have been a scandal in the eyes of those who judged him.
Because I didn't want to call us anything, because I didn't know how to move on from the hand that I had held before him.
Because I always knew I would leave -
I could see the stereotype that I could not mold myself into -
I watched the goodness of those around me, and the hearts that they had
and all I could see was the mess I had already made - the "out of control" portion of my life. 
I saw my satisfaction with imperfection while he wanted things that weren't tainted...he couldn't possibly understand why I take such comfort in tainted things.
I saw all of the people that he could be with and I wondered why I was the one he chose - 
so I quietly showed him the door and he took it without a fight.

Because when I finally did forgive the first there was no one standing on my side,
there wasn't a hand to hold - so I told myself that I would never let someone hold my hand again.
Because I was fine with being fine,
and I knew I wouldn't have to worry about being caught off guard anymore.
I wouldn't have to worry about games and expectations and the eyes of people who
judged my relationship.

Because then you came along and it's the most frightening and wonderful thing.
And that's why I show you the door, and ask why you stay.

Though this time I don't mean it when I tell you to leave, and I don't really care why you stay. 
I simply care that you choose to stay. Because staying means everything to me. 
Because for the foreseeable future you've made the choice to stay,
and, finally, so have I.

the end.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

this girl came over today.

we've known one another for our entire lives.
she's wonderful.
and isn't this old picture just as wonderful?!
i don't even remember taking this but i laughed when i saw it today.
she's just adorable, but i have no idea how to control that face of mine,
oh well! ;)


i'm wishing for fall - pumpkin spice lattes, clouds, scarves, boots...the like.
{and something funny about boots: men here don't like girls in boots. okay, 
so i'm being entirely shallow right now by speaking on behalf of all men, but really
there was a guy the other day that said how much he hates girls in boots. he doesn't understand
them when girls here can wear sun dresses all year round.}

so, me not wearing boots is totally not going to happen.
i'm a northern californian girl. we wear boots.
we love cool weather.
end of story.

anyhoo, i want fall. so.bad.
and the holidays.
and red starbucks cups.
gingerbread cookies.
i probably shouldn't dream about this list for too long
because it feels as though it's one hundred degrees out...
when really, though, it's almost just that.

i have mounds of reading to do
and my room looks like a closet threw up.
but it's saturday! and i like the weekends when i can
be lazy and not feel too bad about that laziness!

currently the apartment is empty and i am loving pretending that
i have my "own place."
i got a salad and some fruit and brought it home and sat at the little
kitchen table and ate and enjoyed the silence.
angiolina might come over and it'll be nice to have a familiar face around.

oh, and i even got invited to a party here in irvine.
it was a sweet invite, but i kindly declined the guy.
though it did contribute to this whole "i-feel-grown-and-on-my-own" feeling,
and besides, i enjoy pulling the "i'm sorry, i have a boyfriend card," even though
i wouldn't quite claim this title as mine just yet... ;)
it's just been too long since i've pulled that card and it's actually been true! haha.

i'll take my evenings in with the girls and lots of junk food, or even boardgames with
the guys next door, over going out any time.
and yes, last night bri and i did play boardgames with the guys next door and, though i totally lost, it was fun to be with our neighbors and have some guy friends around.

yay for moving up in the world! right?
next up, a possible job interview ;)

happy saturday!

this is the look i wish i could be going for today:


and this is in my ear because i'm obsessed:

Friday, September 6, 2013

some lewis, so i don't forget.

"Our problem is time. We expect miracles to be instant, when in fact, miracles are happening all around us...Just very slowly."

-C.S. Lewis


Yesterday was the first day of Fashion Week over there in the beautiful New York City.
It's on my bucket list to attend Fashion Week one day {a girl can dream, right?}
I remember when I was pursuing modeling and all I could think about were those
white Mercedes-Benz tents and the crisp morning of early September after Anna Wintour had
published the infamous September issue of Vogue.

My first September issue came in 2007.
I was just thirteen years old, and I had been inspired by the Valentino show portrayed
in the movie, The Devil Wears Prada.
I can recall the music of the movie, the clothes, the skyscrapers of New York and those lights of Paris, and the way that Anne Hathaway wore those knee-high Chanel boots in the scene after Nigel converts her to fashion.

Everything clicked in that middle-school mind of mine, and I had decided: I will do whatever it takes to get into fashion. Marc Jacobs was my favorite designer, Anna Wintour and Grace Coddington became the wisest women I knew of, Twiggy made it okay for me to have a boyish figure {something I'm totally proud of to this day}, models like Coco Rocha, Bruna Tenorio, Raquel Zimmermann, Gemma Ward, and Sasha Pivovarova were the models that I followed religiously on the ready-to-wear shows, and individuals such as Gilles Bensimon or Patrick Demarchelier were photographers that I would have been honored to shoot with.

So I religiously read my Vogue issues, and when the September issue documentary was shown in my fashion and merchandising class just a few years later, I eagerly recalled the first time I saw color blocking and a haute couture editorial. I was in love again, and at that time a small photographer was pursuing me. {Sadly I decided at the time that pursuing a career as a doctor was a better thing to do than immersing myself in vanity, and the photographer soon went away and I haven't heard from him since. I laugh about it now because science and I don't mix whatsoever, while words and clothes and I...well, those are my passions. Hooray for wanting to change the world, no?}.

Nonetheless, there was a time that I was completely, and utterly enthralled in fashion. For sometime during my senior year I still wondered to myself, Perhaps I could have a career as a writer or an editor in fashion... But it's a silly thought that I don't dare admit out loud to anyone because, really, the stakes are too high, and I am going to be too old too soon, and, well, the OC isn't NYC...

Today is still the second week of FW F/W 2013, though, and I bet that New York feels like Christmas for people like editors, designers, stylists, models, photographers, city-goers, even...

And I am quite jealous of them all. ;)

As vain and as expensive as the whole world of fashion is, I can't help but adore it. Really. Not just for the shoes and clothes, but for the art and for all of the words that come with it.

I, being the small-town girl that I am, have never owned designer things.
But sometime last year, in a little thrift store, I came across a pair of black women's slacks. They're high waisted and button up to the top. They're cuffed at the bottom, and the seams are just right.
Real material...designer? I wondered.
And on the tag it read: Made In Italy.
And: Dolce & Gabbana.

I kind of died. And they're kind of my favorite thing I've ever bought.
$40 for a pair of vintage designer D&G pants, I think yes!
I put them on occasionally. Though I am no size 2 in clothes from, say, Target,
I can manage a 0 in European least those pants anyways. {Makes no sense to me.}
They fit a bit too big, but I am determined to wear them soon if I get the chance
to dress up fancy.

And the best part? They're meant solely for sky-high heels. About 5 inches to be exact. Which puts me at a whopping 6 feet tall. I wish this weren't true, but it is. I'll learn to embrace my height eventually, guys!
So I guess you could say that, all around, they make an outfit feel like a million bucks.
And they assure me that I don't need to be some fashion-somebody to put on a good outfit
and feel good wearing it.

Happy Fashion Week, everyone.
And happy styling to those who love to
take this whole month's worth of looks literally.
I'm excited for:
Anna Sui,
Diane Von Furstenberg,
BCBG Max Azria,
and Zac name a few.


Below are some of those editorial pictures from the 2007 issue that completely changed everything.



Thursday, September 5, 2013

it was one of those days.

the kind where you want to be angry and grouchy.
nothing feels right, but by the end of the day you realize that you're the only one that didn't feel right.
i woke up not wanting to talk to anyone.
i didn't want to look at anyone.
i didn't want to do anything.
i was sick of feeling sick.
i missed berkeley boy so much that i wanted him here in that instant,
even though i was in no mood for talking.
and also, i felt like the world's worst friend.
often times people like to point out the fault
in how i handle relationships,
because i truly handle relationships poorly.
it's a fault that i'm not proud of.
so today i thought, who really cares?
madison is just fine alone.

can you tell i was having a major pity party?
because i don't do well alone. at all.

so i made the texts that i needed to make and i decided to smile at people.
my day went on and i still felt like a grump.
but three little things happened:
1. i bought myself cheesecake ice know, the ben & jerry's kind?

2. i decided to work out {total contradiction to my initial happy snack, i know}.

3. i turned in a paper to my writing group in class and everyone thought that the entire paper was written from a lesbian perspective. no. joke. when really it was written from the perspective of a middle aged man. i suppose that's what you get when you write a poem about scissors and an emotional man {i don't create the prompt}. anyways, me and my group got an awfully good laugh about it. i kind of love my fellow writers. a lot.

so that was today.
i didn't like today.
everything was more quirky than usual
and i was in the mood for cold weather, a good book, a warm bed, and a hug from my guy.
but i've decided that i already like tomorrow.
hot and humid, book-less, bed-less, boy-less tomorrow.


Wednesday, September 4, 2013

this is all that kitchens are for: silliness and dancing. lots of twirling and swinging. and food, really good food. and kissing, lots of kissing. and company...wonderful company.

today has been wonderful.
being sick and all.
it was so so good.
i like my little life.
the small blessings just keep coming.


p.s. i just love open, industrial looking kitchens like this.

picture via.

and away i go {MAYBE}

a friend of mine is currently on her study abroad trip.
first stop:  G R E E C E .
i've expressed my jealousy to her...she loves travel as much
{if not more} as i do.

when i went to romania, i had a layover at the dulles airport
and hours later, on her way to uganda, corinna had the same layover.
i remember feeling this thrill...two girls from gilroy, both with a craving
for other places and people, were setting off into the world.

so as soon as she returned from africa she began to prepare for
the continent of europe. because she will basically be all over the
continent of europe for the next few months.

and yesterday my friend bridgette came to lunch from her
around the world semester meeting. it's when you begin
in asia on the first of august and make your way across the
globe in time for christmas. it's a five month trip filled
with lots of adventure and learning.
you spend about three weeks in each of the ten countries.

this opportunity was a huge attraction for me when i
got my letter of acceptance. and when they gave me
all of the paperwork in july i was fresh off the plane
{literally i had just returned days prior} and i would have
done just about anything to get right back on one.

but for the past month i've been thinking about what i want next fall.
where do i want to go? who do i want to meet?
romania and moldova were wonderful because they stretched me and built me.
i can recall sitting with corinna and telling her something along the lines of: sure god is here, but he's there, he's the one whose knees are in the ground. he's digging with those kids on the side of the road and he's picking them up. i want to help pick people up too.

i still have that desire to "dig" with others.
to meet them where they're at..wherever they may be.
fortunately, those people are even here in los angeles...because los angeles is
where my whole romania idea began three years ago.

but, i figure, i'm young right now, and my heart is for the world as much as it
is for small communities in america.
the only difference this time is that my heart for service has shifted into a heart
that wants to be immersed in a single place for a period of time.
which is why choosing one country to live in is sounding more appealing than a series of trips.
i mean, the latter is totally a once in a lifetime opportunity, but i'm looking to settle somewhere for a period of a couple months...maybe learn the language, maybe visit surrounding nations.

jeez, i didn't think that this post would become so long!
it's simply that i'm realizing that the time has come, yet again, to
pick a destination and pursue it in the hopes that it's the right time to leave again.
{and because i've been up since around six feeling sick and gross and tired...yay for college!}
and hopefully, if this trip is the time for play and for exploration, my next trip will
once again be with a word made flesh team back in romania or in india...but that's just
a bit for dreaming for ya ;)

it's my huge opinion that everyone take at least one educational or missional trip in their lifetime. you grow and it's uncomfortable and it's beautiful, and you become stained with a different outlook and with the faces of individuals that are forever meaningful to your life. there's really nothing to lose, and there really is the entire world to gain.

it all just makes me happy.

p.s. corinna, i love the posts and pictures. and yes, i am still rather jealous but i can't wait to hear all about your trip during holiday break!

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

life lately

things have been absolutely hectic lately.
i feel as if i went one hundred miles an hour this entire week/especially the weekend.
by the time sunday came, all i wanted to do was lay down and not move.
so i kind of did that, and i kind of had some fun that day too...

...because... {since some of you have asked me about this}
berkeley boy came for a visit!
and it was wonderful.
and so was he.

there's still lots of nerves that come with seeing this guy.
we've known each other for a short amount of time and yet
i feel as if i've known him for much, much longer.

there's no pressure to go out and do a whole bunch,
though of course i have a list of places i'd love to go with him.
he's simple to be with, and he's become one of the people
i'd prefer to spend my time with whenever i can.

it still amazes me that we all go our whole lives not knowing of a face or of a name,
but then that certain face and name comes into our life and nothing is the same ever again.
the mere thought of that person reverting back to a stranger is just sad,
and you wonder to yourself how you went all of that time unaware.
and how the moment when everything changed just sort of crept up on you two.
no one woke you that morning and said, hey you're going to meet someone today that will alter things!

you simply find yourself in a seemingly insignificant moment,
perhaps you see him or her from across the room,
perhaps you run into one another,
or perhaps he stands and shakes your hand.
whichever the case, the moment happens, and if you don't take it you're either the wisest person or the craziest...i haven't yet determined which. :)

i laughed about this the other day in the car,
and my friend blurted out: "god laughs at our own plans, madison."
and it was such a casual thing to say, but it's true.

my plans were so different.
this plan is so much better.