Sunday, September 15, 2013

it happened.

it'll happen. it'll just happen and you'll know.

heather was so wise. she had age, experience, and several degrees over me,
so to avoid her advice would have been really stupid.


and yet i still countered her with the buts and the ifs and the whens...all in a negative way, of course.

heather is long gone {and a whole state away}
but i kept all of the advice she gave me, and sometimes i forget to just pull it out and use it...
that is until i got a roommate who isn't afraid to argue me.


last night we were in line at a restaurant and we flat out argued about it.
the other night we were driving and we had a whole argument about it.
and anytime i begin to say anything that she might not like, she shuts me up and tells me i'm wrong.


it's kind of wonderful.
i don't mind a bit of arguing because a lot of honesty comes from it,
and, if played fair, i've always found that there's some laughter in the end.
or, in our case, lots of laughter.
though i don't always admit to her what it is exactly that i'm feeling.
i just can't. not with everyone.

i've learned that the best kept secrets are ones that can only
be attained by particular people.
so i laugh and i tell myself to not say anymore.
let it go.


so yesterday she said that she's my new-unlicensed heather.
and i, in madison fashion, replied with a: hell no you're not.


but she kind of is to an extent.


and then there's alyssa.
a person who knows me better than most.

we hadn't had a conversation in a week or two until last
night, and that's when i finally found myself saying it.

that's when it happened.


i know that all of you girls know what i'm talking about.
it's basically "the talk" that takes place with only a friend.

so i told her everything.
everything i'd been arguing myself and other friends about,
i just told her without her even asking.


and as scary as it was i felt so damn good after.

honesty.

honesty with oneself...and the talk with a best friend.

had this talk been in person there would have been lots of screaming and laughing.
i probably would have cried.
because i'm a shameless crier, of course.

because i cried every time i sat in the chair across from heather,
or across from a friend over coffee,
and in between the words it will happen. it just will. and you will know.



they were all right.
every last one of them.


it happened.
and it's frightening.

alyssa confirmed what i couldn't confirm out loud.

assurance. a beautiful thing, really.

common ground. because she's been there, she's seen me, she knows.

heather would be so proud.
that's what i told myself yesterday,
in between the pick-me-ups and hold-me-downs that come with
old habits and mentalities.

i also thought of all the coffee dates,
talks,
and yells that i've accumulated over the two years.

all very messy.
none of it me.
but some other girl who doubted me.

and yet, here i am...and it happened.


i'd known for some time until i was finally able to say it.
and no one had to wrestle it out of me
because they were right all along: it would happen and i would know.

i now know what i didn't know then
but what i've known for a bit of time.

fortunately i keep telling myself that it doesn't really count
because i haven't spoken it out loud.

texts don't count in this case, i suppose. ;)
though the words can't be taken back now,

but then again, what the hell.





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