Monday, October 28, 2013

things around me lately.

there's a girl in my literature class who
always dresses so classy and adorable.
i needed a friend and i wanted to be her friend
because she just looked so interesting.
not to mention her edition of jane eyre was the prettiest i've ever seen.

anyways, this girl wrote me a note in class just last week.
turns out she wanted to be my friend, too.
so now i have a new friend, and she's adorable and i can't wait
to get to know her more.
i love new people.
and she's just invited me over for macaroons later.


there's this kid from oregon who i had lunch with the other day.
he totally seems like he's from here, so i was surprised to learn that
he is a central oregon kid.
today i saw him when i was leaving campus. he said hello and told
me about his weekend spent surfing.
then he stopped walking and opened the trunk of a car.
as he drove away it occurred to me: so he's the oregonian driving
that subaru.
because, really, every time i saw it i thought that subaru definitely screams pacific north-westerner. 


my next-door neighbors have the squeakiest fridge.
who knew that fridge's could be so loud!
anyways, my roommate and i used to hear this one particular noise
all of the time.
then we learned that it's their fridge.
i like to count the amount of times they open it.
i'd like to think it's a fridge filled with lots of good food because mine never is
and so i never feel the need to open it much.


the baby that i nanny is becoming one of my all time favorite people.
never in my life have i felt so much love from such a little person.
he makes my heart explode every time he wants to be cradled.
i think that a baby nestled in your arms is one of the best feelings ever --
i even had a moment of feeling absolutely sad when i realized just how fast he's growing up.


boyfriend insists that we have a somewhat big, dark colored, athletic, female dog if we ever get the chance to do so.
but my dream dog is a fat, small dog with the personality of a grumpy old man, and the coloring of an english bulldog.


i know a girl who only wants to be a librarian.
she's so certain when she says it, too.
i have never heard anyone else say that this is their
dream profession.
but she loves books more than most people i've met and i admire
her for that.


i have a professor that makes me feel as though i'm in high school alllll over again.
i got called out for being on my laptop and for having my phone out.
she said my name and everything.
whatever happened to college being about self-responsibility and laptops in class?


i enjoy watching the uci students come and go when i spend time over
in the university center.
sometimes i pretend i go to a major university because it makes me feel important
for just a second.
and then i remember i go to the smallest school and after a while i can release my regrets once more.



the end.



Sunday, October 27, 2013

sorry, blogger,

but everything i've been thinking and the small things i've been saying can be found here.
happy sunday.
it's breathtakingly beautiful here today.

xoxo

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

c a u g h t

i was walking home from dinner last night when i spotted two people--a boy & a girl--running
off in the parking lot.
she was ahead of him and he quickly followed.
i could tell that they were laughing and enjoying themselves.
why they were running, i couldn't tell you.
but, in a matter of just a few split seconds, i watched as the two of them interacted
and it was in this brief moment of time that my heart stopped a bit.

i watched as the boy came from behind the girl--arms out, as if to reach and take her within his arms.
he did this and i stopped in the street just watching, waiting to see him scoop her up within his
arms and embrace her.
i felt a tinge of jealousy and a tremendous craving for that playful chase.

however, in just a second or two he went from seeming to scoop her up, to doing nothing at all.
rather, he passed her up in pace and then slowed her down.
and then the two of them carried on walking up a side path.
just like that.

i felt so disappointed.
and i laughed to myself for this disappointment.
there was no reason for it,
and yet i had been jealous, admiring and disconcerted
all in a matter of split moments.

all i wanted was to see him pick her up or embrace her.
i can't say why, other than the moment between the two strangers seemed so wonderful
that i wished to have what they were having.

the funny thing is that i often forget that i have been caught.
i was so accustomed to writing and revering other people's relationships,
and i even began to tell myself that writing about them from afar was good enough than having my own.

so when i do write about people i see--these people in love--
or at least people i'd like to believe are in love...
i watch and i still long to learn. and i want to put them into words--that feeling into words.

i want to capture it up and understand,
and i love remembering that i--the person behind the pen--also have my own, personal story.

i know for certain that no one is watching from afar.
it'd be impossible, really.
and yet somewhere, in our own little era of time,
bargaining with time,
effortlessly falling--
caught between distance,
and spanned up the west coast,
i have a little story to tell.
my own chase that i admire occasionally.

except i am caught.
splendidly, irrevocably, scarily caught.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

The quote on the coffee cup of a past professor that inspired me to want to be a professor - it has little relevance to today, as of now...but I'm assuming I'll find one by the end of tonight.

Of course you would say that I ought to be practical,
and I ought to try to paint the way they want me to paint.
Well, I will tell you a secret,
I have tried,
and I have tried very hard.
But I can't do it.
I just can't do it.
And that is why I am just a little bit crazy.

-Rembrandt.

Monday, October 21, 2013

hey, monday.

"Time has a funny way of collapsing when you go back to a place you once loved. You find yourself thinking, I was kissed in that building, I climbed up that tree."
Ann Patchett




"Don’t ask for guarantees. And don’t look to be saved in any one thing, person, machine, or library. Do your own bit of saving, and if you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore."
Ray Bradbury


Today is Monday. Which is good because it means Monday is now out of the way for the week.
I'm beginning to feel under the weather but the thought of being home next weekend makes me want to jump up and down and feel better again.

Lots of craziness coming within the next month but all of it should be good!
This week is the calm before the storm so I'm taking advantage of as much free time as possible.


Happy Monday, everyone.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

distractions of today:

these two books & my tumblr




sundays are becoming too full of work,
and not enough quiet time.
i think it has to do with what i've been reading.
i miss going to bed with a leisure book each night
as i did all last year.

happy sunday.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

and the heavens opened....

...and gossip girl, season six was added to netflix.


HOW ON EARTH AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ANYTHING FOR THE NEXT WEEK?!

i finished the first five seasons last fall semester and have waited this long to see season six.
{jeeeez one year goes fast}


so i just found it now.
and i nearly screamed and jumped out of bed.
so i'll be in bed as much as possible until i finish it.

gossip girl, i've missed you so.



Friday, October 18, 2013

in my ear tonight:



sometimes i happen upon beautiful pictures and all i wish is to live within them.


like this one.
an unmade bed//piled clothing = messiness that i take comfort in.
fresh flowers = a key to my heart.
a tray = potential breakfast in bed.
laptop = endless hours of netflix.
open window = brightness of a beautiful day or the comfort of rain.
{i think all beds should face a window for this reason}
that black wall with those vintage pictures = so so pretty.

can i live in this, please?
and can berkeley boy come, too?
thanks.


via my tumblr.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

OH MY GOD.

my friend posted this video on facebook so i decided to watch and, well....
i have been sitting here crying my eyes out.
you all know i've always had a love for proposals.
i'm a sucker for a question asked well - i think i've posted enough of them over the past year.
but, uhm, this one takes the cake.
for reals.
please watch it.
i cried the entire time.
i love when i see that people like this still exist.
i love love
it's a long video but my favorite parts are at 9:40, 15:20 & 22:30.
good lord was i in tears the whole time.
i just want to meet this amazing couple!
so so beautiful.
such a wonderful man,
and she must be one amazing woman.



"i've never been happier. never been sadder. never been more angry. life's never been more beautiful."
"i've never met anyone who inspires me more to be a better human being."
"you're it."
ummm...is this guy a writer or something?

AND THEN HE ASKS HER DAD?!
i threw my arms up in the air at this part.
seriously, i wish these two the absolute best.

the thoughtfulness within this whole video is amazing.
seriously one of the reasons i love to write is because of people like this.

_________________________________________________


some of my favorites that i've posted are... 
& one of my absolute favorites,



source of the video: here

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

to the man in costco carrying pink roses:

there was a man in costco today.
i noticed him because he was carrying a bouquet of
bright pink flowers.

he looked like he was in a big hurry.
he swiftly made his way through the check out.
his eyes were wide and he quickly passed the bouquet from hand to hand,
juggling it with his wallet.

i watched him as i slowly moved through my line.
i even forgot to pay attention to what was before me.
the flowers were absolutely beautiful, yes.
but him - the man carrying them - that was the thing i was interested in.

he hastily headed for the exit - pushing past people and practically breaking out
into a jog.
i wondered who the individual was going to be on the receiving end.
i wondered if she had a name -
what her relationship was to him.

in my mind, i came up with two versions:

he loved a girl and today was a day that just called for flowers.
a bouquet of roses, especially.
he was being a smart man. ;)


&

someone had just been born.
he needed to be there and roses were the perfect arrival gift.



i'm probably wrong with my assumptions, but i'd like to think that
everyone around me is living some version of life that is worth writing about or admiring.
i sometimes even envision a pen and paper above everyone's head - writing some story.
and then i wonder if anyone ever looks at me and wonders about my story.

maybe they do, maybe they don't.
anyhow, that bouquet of roses was beautiful.
and i still can't help but wonder what happened when he handed them to whomever he was in a great hurry to see.





happy wednesday.


Tuesday, October 15, 2013

for the other guy that has my heart.

this morning i was reading today's letter from my jesus calling book.
it pertained to staying close to him and to seeking out his will rather than my own.
it warned of other's who claim to have what you need,
it warned against pride and clamor and enticements.

but mostly, it talked about proper placement in life.

i don't know about some of you, but for me i have a long list of crazy ah-ha moments of
when god has reached out and slapped me in the face.
there have been moments where it is so obvious that he is near that i find myself even looking
amongst the faces around me as if i'll see his somewhere.

i'm not a perfect christian.
i laugh at perfect christians. i really do.
i haven't been in a church for 6 weeks...or something like that,
and it sometimes takes everything in me to actually sit and read my bible.

i curse all throughout my day.
and i'll give the finger to just about anyone if i feel offended.
and i even told a leader in romania that i hate when god takes me out of my comfort zone,
that maybe i didn't want to do everything i feel he wants me to do.

sometimes i just wish i could sum up my relationship with god
just to prove to non-christians of just how real of a relationship this whole thing is.
most times i need to step back and tell myself, you just said what to the god of the universe?!

my mother often tells me to apologize right now.
and sometimes i do.
but mostly i just say, but he made me this way.

and this is true.
he made me this way. i'm flawed. and it's okay.
he made me this way so that i could do certain things.

i've analyzed and obsessed over this aspect of life for years now.
what if i screw up? what if i don't do what i'm supposed to do? what if i get to heaven only to hear that i didn't do what i was meant to do?
all silly questions. all reasonable, nonetheless.

so i was scared to pursue english because i thought that it was selfish.
i felt that it was self-seeking.
i don't know why or how or when i thought this but i did for a long time.

but i took a leap of faith anyways. remember this post in march?
well, today during a meeting with a professor i was told just how well i think when it comes to literature. my professor approved a paper of mine and even told me that my ideas on the text were worthy of being the topic of a graduate's thesis paper.

i often feel like i'm going nowhere - like i'm about to walk off of the deep end and lose sight of god.
because he's so big and this life is so much.
i feel like time slips from my hands like water and i feel overwhelmed with my own wants.
i feel like being an english major isn't right because what can i truly do with it.

but then god speaks. often through other people.
and as she sat across from me, my professor, and told me those words,
i knew that god has be right where he wants me.

i have no idea what blessings he will bring from this pursuit of mine,
but i feel content working away at something i feel passionate about.

a woman once told me i've never seen you so passionate than you are right now talking about words and writing. 
i never forgot that. and i suppose i should begin to feel more and more content with where i am.
all doubts aside, i wish i could have captured the way my professor looked at me.

it was with admiration.
and i'd like to think that the guy up stairs whose also got my heart looks at me with
the same admiration - at least when i'm keeping the words clean and literary, of course ;)

Sunday, October 13, 2013

t h r e e

it was three months ago this weekend that he walked into my life -
it was unnerving, the entire thing.

i had always heard that it happened in the least likely of places and when you
were least expecting it.
so i stopped looking, i suppose, and i found it.
i woke up one morning and didn't know that he
was waiting there for me - a collision of lives was about to ensue and i had
no premonitions whatsoever.


it was three weeks ago on berkeley's campus,
in between a rain storm and some cold winds,
that he stood behind me and told me how he felt -
told me what we should be.

it was a lucky day because of the rain.
at least that's what i believe.


it was today at the airport.
we were both a bit flustered by the traffic and directions.
it was right before the security check in when he kissed me goodbye sweetly
one, two, however many times.

our words were mixed with i'll see you soon and two weeks then and i'll miss you so much.
it was in the crevices of the past three months - most especially, the past three weeks.

it was between the curve of his neck where i hide my face,
and the lower part of my back where he rests his hands to support me as i stand on my toes.

it was in the momentum of life and emotions,
but it was also in the silences that we find ourselves comfortable in.

it was in his hands as he held mine,
and in the fear of what comes next.

it was there - in the middle of a very public place -
when we least expected it: three words.
simple words - words that should be said with so much heaviness and thought
but often get spoken into the wind where they are thrust into forgetfulness or misconceptions.

but those three words were there:
in the moment when i wasn't quite sure what i heard and i wasn't quite sure what i said.

and we turned to walk our own ways
as the three words lingered in the air and welled up in my eyes.
i nearly ran into a woman as my world filled with noise and my ears drowned it out.
we had said them without looking back - without finishing our sentences.

but as i stood there waiting to cross the trafficked road - tears filling my eyes and the eyes of strangers on me - that i knew what had been said.

that i knew that we had jumped into oblivion.
that three is sure as hell a lucky number.









Thursday, October 10, 2013

happiest of birthdays to a very dear friend.

today is angiolina's birthday.
i am so so blessed to call her a friend.
we've known each other for about seventeen years now
which blows my mind because in another seventeen years
we won't be so young ;)

anyways, we've been through so much good and so much bad together.
but most of it has been wonderful, especially when we've had each other.
only a few people have seen me at my absolute worst, and she's one of them.
i can't list the amount of times we've sat across from each other and confessed everything.

she's definitely one of the first people to get you thinking straight again - at least she does for me.
i just love her so. 
she has defended my name,
brought so much joy to my life,
she's the mischievous side that i never had,
and she is always there.

when i think about who god has hand chosen and molded into
my life i feel so grateful for this particular friendship. 
he's challenged her and i in so many ways - sometimes even simultaneously.

i think that the most beautiful aspect of any relationship is being able 
to do life together and also recognize where god is in all of that.
i have so many memories with this girl - she's been around for as long as i can remember.
but my favorite memories are of our talks when the two of us have both asked
why is god doing this now?!? why do i have to do this?!?

angiolina, the past two years have been a hell of a lot, and yet i am so excited for what nineteen will bring you. i know that god has so much in store for your life - his possibilities are endless.
i pray that nineteen will bring you joy, peace, growth, and blessings. 
you are one of my covenant friends! and i am so blessed by your life and all that you bring to mine.
here's to a lifetime friendship!

i wish that today would be absolutely fabulous.
spoil yourself, let people spoil you, 
and know that you are loved. 


xoxo 


love, madi. 


Wednesday, October 9, 2013

and one more thing...

I CAN'T EVEN SAY JUST HOW MUCH I WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE.
i love the last version with claire danes and leonardo dicaprio,
and i can't pass up seeing another version.
it's shakespearean. what could be better, i mean really?!
shakespeare AND ed westwick. 

so yeah, i guess my love of literature sometimes gets the best of me,
but the plot is just so tragic that it is wonderful.

end of story.




my friend said this on a blog all the way from europe, and i really really love it so she said i could share:

"Sometimes it comes in the little things. Sometimes it comes while you’re sitting at the table outside your room painting; there’s just something about the vibrant reds and greens and oranges that makes it seep out. Where you find yourself telling someone about you past: the messy, gross, secret parts about you that you’ve kept locked away for months, even years, at a time. And sometimes it comes out so nonchalantly, so naturally, that even you’re surprised by it. Sometimes it comes out as your brush kisses the paper and the other person has access to a part of your soul that you’ve kept hidden away. And the more questions they ask, the more you can’t help but be vulnerable because it isn’t like you to lie about these sort of things. It’s in the little moments that sometimes become bigger moments in your mind that are going to stick with you for the rest of your life.
Or sometimes it’s over Chinese food at 9 o’clock at night. Where, amidst your vegetable soup and tea, you savor the flavors of life and the person you’re sitting across. It’s in these moments that you notice that the person you thought you knew is actually far more beautiful inside and out than words can describe. It’s when you learn that you’re not the only woman on earth who is dissatisfied at the thought of just becoming a mother or settling for the American dream. It comes after your fifth cup of tea that you are able to talk about life and the arts and how big and vast the world is, and yet at the same time how incredibly small it is, and you can’t help but laugh at how ironic life really is. It comes and it stays; it never really goes, does it? It’s in the littlest moments at the most obscure times with the most lovely of people that eventually have the most lasting impact on your mind and in your heart… Something that I’m learning not to take for granted anymore."


xoxo miss you, corinna. 

Sunday, October 6, 2013

The "F" in Love

i'm sitting here with two friends.
both cynics in ways i could only aspire to be -
both unconventional romantics with rules about love that only make sense
due to their experiences in life and in heartache.

both of them have a couple of years on me,
and yet i'm still the baby of the group in oh so many ways.

so we're sitting here - attempting to write essays about things that won't matter tomorrow,
or next week, or ever.

but one of them is looking on facebook - the end all to any type of studying, right?


and as she scrolls down her feed she begins to name off the statuses of people.
for some reason - according to her - everyone was either pregnant or engaged.

or in love.

it was the love one that really struck a cord.
because all of us laugh at the married and expecting.
if you're not one for the ring by spring here,
then you're the one laughing til it hurts.



i was in the middle of reading an article about breaking up - about the moment you know things just aren't working. and it was in the middle of my thoughts regarding relationships -

my hopeful self versus my cynical self that identified with that moment {because yes i know that moment: that horrible moment when you hear the news in your own head before you deliver it to the poor guy}

- that i heard her string of F words one after the other - running water of profanity.
and of course our other friend had to get in on the cynicism.

i love love, they read on her ex's facebook status.
{yes, we were commenting on social media, but what are you going to do on a sunday night anyways?}.

i wasn't giving them my full attention until one of them looked to me and restated the status
"i love love..." sounds like you!

to which i responded, because i do!
i've become defensive about this, recently.

all of them have it figured out in their own way - and they won't mind giving you their two cents.

i'm not one to talk.
i have experience with two ends of the spectrum: crazy and conservative.
or, to put it kindly: mean and nice.
whatever.

anyways, i have zero experience in the in-between of things.
i've never really had the normal beginning or the normal end of a relationship.
and i hope to god that i don't experience the latter any time soon.

so i have no room to give any pointers to anyone except: if you know that it's wrong...run.
and i have advice on all of the ways you can disappear for a while,
stay angry for a while,
and how to mend for an awfully long while.


but i can't for the life of me tell you how to make a relationship work.
i have my opinions, of course, but i have no room to talk.

so i prefer to stay away from giving my two cents.
i feel like everyone's happiness is theirs to attain at any age or stage in life.

alyssa and i were talking about this today:
about the progress of two people.
 about "too soon's" and the like.

i've been defensive lately about my own relationship.
i guard it mightily because everyone's opinions are big and not always what i need to hear.

i'm young,
i don't have it figured out,
and i know these two facts well.


i eat my lunch alone each day, and it was two days this week
that a guy decided to introduce himself and sit with me.
he's nice and talks about his love of traveling and of his major in history.
nice facts. conservative facts.

and the other day he asked what my friend and i were going to do for fun over the weekend.
{and let me tell you this was after he made it perfectly clear how single he was
and what he thought of the ring by spring}

i told him that she wanted to take me to a fraternity party.
because she does, but more importantly because i wanted to push the envelope a bit.
i was reading him like a book and i knew that if i said one thing off
that he might respond in a particular way.

his face immediately changed.
you would go to one of those? he asked.
i can't imagine a girl like you in that situation. why would you subject yourself to people like that?
yes, the conversation sounded something quite like this.

people like what?
and he's right to an extent: my quiet nature doesn't really fit in crazy situations, but he doesn't know that.
nor does he know the people in my life that i love who subject themselves to that each weekend.
whatever that really means.
because, as far as i know, i have some great people in my life.
people who don't give their two cents freely.


so he began a list of what was wrong with relationships {friendships, specifically} with people like that.
it wasn't condescending.
but i called my dad and told him because i had to laugh.

i wanted to stop the guy to say, by the way...
but i sat back, and thought to myself: but i love the relationships i have.
because they're mine.
there was no way i could be cynical in that conversation.
i didn't feel like justifying anything.
and i probably would have laughed when he withdrew his opinions with a
i'm sorry, i had no idea.
because he didn't,
but he had to give his two cents, i suppose.
and i took them and put them in my slot of in one ear and out the other.



and i love love just the same.
regardless of my age and stage.
regardless of any opinion that i find around me pertaining to people and how it should be.

despite the fact that i'm the youngest, i just can't for the life of me let the curses flow towards others and their relationships,
even if i did find myself curled over with laughter at just how wonderful my friend makes that four letter word sound.

so we believe in two four letter words over here.
i use them both selectively...okay, so one of them is used more than i'd like to admit.

but i will never, ever {until i have my own littles to nag} give my two cents to a person
who just needs to figure it out. weed out the crap. hurt a little. love a lot.

because when it's right, it's right.
and every other opinion will just be wrong.

that's what i've learned, anyways.
and it's right.
this i know is right.

and those are my two cents ;)

Thursday, October 3, 2013

on distance.

never ever did i think i would find myself in a long distance relationship.
i always said that i could do it, i just never thought that i would do it.

i tend to always assume that i have things together: a plan.
that plan is usually thrown out of the window before phase one ever even occurs.

when boyfriend came around, during that brief little period of time when he wasn't boyfriend,
i didn't expect much from him.
he was nice and said the right things
and our mutual friends assured me just how great he was.

so he was great on paper,
but how about in life?

i've never cared much for first dates.
they're awkward and even artificial.
we all know that we spend time trying to
achieve a particular look.
we then rehearse our life history that can be summed
up in a happy way - leaving the issues and baggage at the door
because the other person couldn't possibly relate...right?
so we go on our date and we play our best cards.
the whole thing is real {hopefully} but it isn't yet reality.

so, about life:
i like real life.
for instance, i like seeing what makes the other person angry.
i usually find myself asking early on, so what just irks you?
what is the one thing that will make you curse your mother's name?
because i am completely amused by the facts and very much eager to know them.

i want to know the facts about everyday - about what makes him, him.
usually people figure out a way to combine their everyday's into one.
and they establish their relationship within those days.

a huge fear of mine, going into this long distance thing, was the everyday.
i knew that i could give it one hell of a shot and commit to him.
but i wondered what it would be like for him.
would it become tedious?
would it be too much?
how did he see the distance?
and don't assume that i put all of my doubts on him,
because i needed to ask myself the same questions.

and i had a million questions.
and there was only one answer.
and i wanted that answer so much.



i got my answer eventually.
and everyday i miss him.
hell, i'm bound to miss him.
but it isn't the kind of missing i assumed it would be.

i was expecting the kind of missing that you get when you're away for a long period of time.
that pit in the stomach feeling of absence.

but it isn't that.
in fact, it's more like an absence that you can't wait to fill.
it's like being homesick, really.
but the comfort in this particular missing is that you know that no matter how
far you are they're still there. that home still exists.

so you miss them.

but their absence isn't unbearable because they're still there, with you, all of the time.
it's only in occasional moments, few and far between, that i find myself on the verge of that first kind of missing.
my heart beats quickly
and i want out of the room i'm in.
or i'll be driving and the tears will well up in my eyes -
not enough to make for a cry, but just enough to feel how much i care.

it'll happen for only a second or two.
sitting there across from an empty chair during a meal.

walking across campus and realizing the routine of your day, and wanting to add that person to your routine.

there is missing in ordering a tea in the morning for yourself but not ordering for that other person.
there is missing in rolling over in the middle of the night and remembering the sweet smell of closeness.

there is an absence in the evening when the day has been long and you need an embrace.
there is a coldness to a palm that goes untouched,
and a steady voice that goes unheard.


so these are all of these things that people around me point out - in fewer words, of course. sometimes not even in words but merely in looks.
the, oh you're in one of those? type of look that exudes doubt.

but there are things, little things, that people fail to know.
they pass judgment on he and i, and i've learned to laugh and keep quiet.

people don't know what it feels like when he looks at me,
or what it sounds like to laugh with him.
people don't know the warmth of his hands or of his kind words.

people don't know what it means to be alongside him,
and the peace and quiet confidence that i have gained since.

people don't know that it's been such a short while,
and that i've been able to confirm my feelings since the day we first met.

people don't know the list of things that i want to share with him and him alone,
people don't know that he's quickly become my favorite person.

people don't know a lot of things.
and i know only a few.
but it's the few things that i am certain of,
the few things that have only occurred in five-everydays,
that bring me peace.

it's the things no one knows that keep me certain in the choice i have made.

so i never thought i'd do a long distance relationship but here i am.

it's an everyday thing without the everyday.
but it's something that i couldn't possibly just give up.
there's too much there,
and there's too much to be had.


there's a blank space each and every day.
i suppose that people fear this blank space -
as if it's a division that is bound to bring an end.

but me...well, i see this blank space as key.
because as long as that blank space exists, it means
that i have a liking for someone who is worth filling that space -
and in due time he just might do so.

as long as there is a blank space i know that my heart is taken -
part of it here with me and part of it elsewhere.



i never thought i'd do this,
but finding myself here in this time of my life,
i wouldn't do things any other way.

boyfriend will be here next week.
and we'll have another everyday.
it may not be everyone else's idea of what's ideal.
but it's mine.
because he's ideal.
and he's mine.