this morning i was reading today's letter from my jesus calling book.
it pertained to staying close to him and to seeking out his will rather than my own.
it warned of other's who claim to have what you need,
it warned against pride and clamor and enticements.
but mostly, it talked about proper placement in life.
i don't know about some of you, but for me i have a long list of crazy ah-ha moments of
when god has reached out and slapped me in the face.
there have been moments where it is so obvious that he is near that i find myself even looking
amongst the faces around me as if i'll see his somewhere.
i'm not a perfect christian.
i laugh at perfect christians. i really do.
i haven't been in a church for 6 weeks...or something like that,
and it sometimes takes everything in me to actually sit and read my bible.
i curse all throughout my day.
and i'll give the finger to just about anyone if i feel offended.
and i even told a leader in romania that i hate when god takes me out of my comfort zone,
that maybe i didn't want to do everything i feel he wants me to do.
sometimes i just wish i could sum up my relationship with god
just to prove to non-christians of just how real of a relationship this whole thing is.
most times i need to step back and tell myself, you just said what to the god of the universe?!
my mother often tells me to apologize right now.
and sometimes i do.
but mostly i just say, but he made me this way.
and this is true.
he made me this way. i'm flawed. and it's okay.
he made me this way so that i could do certain things.
i've analyzed and obsessed over this aspect of life for years now.
what if i screw up? what if i don't do what i'm supposed to do? what if i get to heaven only to hear that i didn't do what i was meant to do?
all silly questions. all reasonable, nonetheless.
so i was scared to pursue english because i thought that it was selfish.
i felt that it was self-seeking.
i don't know why or how or when i thought this but i did for a long time.
but i took a leap of faith anyways. remember this post in march?
well, today during a meeting with a professor i was told just how well i think when it comes to literature. my professor approved a paper of mine and even told me that my ideas on the text were worthy of being the topic of a graduate's thesis paper.
i often feel like i'm going nowhere - like i'm about to walk off of the deep end and lose sight of god.
because he's so big and this life is so much.
i feel like time slips from my hands like water and i feel overwhelmed with my own wants.
i feel like being an english major isn't right because what can i truly do with it.
but then god speaks. often through other people.
and as she sat across from me, my professor, and told me those words,
i knew that god has be right where he wants me.
i have no idea what blessings he will bring from this pursuit of mine,
but i feel content working away at something i feel passionate about.
a woman once told me i've never seen you so passionate than you are right now talking about words and writing.
i never forgot that. and i suppose i should begin to feel more and more content with where i am.
all doubts aside, i wish i could have captured the way my professor looked at me.
it was with admiration.
and i'd like to think that the guy up stairs whose also got my heart looks at me with
the same admiration - at least when i'm keeping the words clean and literary, of course ;)