Thursday, October 3, 2013

on distance.

never ever did i think i would find myself in a long distance relationship.
i always said that i could do it, i just never thought that i would do it.

i tend to always assume that i have things together: a plan.
that plan is usually thrown out of the window before phase one ever even occurs.

when boyfriend came around, during that brief little period of time when he wasn't boyfriend,
i didn't expect much from him.
he was nice and said the right things
and our mutual friends assured me just how great he was.

so he was great on paper,
but how about in life?

i've never cared much for first dates.
they're awkward and even artificial.
we all know that we spend time trying to
achieve a particular look.
we then rehearse our life history that can be summed
up in a happy way - leaving the issues and baggage at the door
because the other person couldn't possibly relate...right?
so we go on our date and we play our best cards.
the whole thing is real {hopefully} but it isn't yet reality.

so, about life:
i like real life.
for instance, i like seeing what makes the other person angry.
i usually find myself asking early on, so what just irks you?
what is the one thing that will make you curse your mother's name?
because i am completely amused by the facts and very much eager to know them.

i want to know the facts about everyday - about what makes him, him.
usually people figure out a way to combine their everyday's into one.
and they establish their relationship within those days.

a huge fear of mine, going into this long distance thing, was the everyday.
i knew that i could give it one hell of a shot and commit to him.
but i wondered what it would be like for him.
would it become tedious?
would it be too much?
how did he see the distance?
and don't assume that i put all of my doubts on him,
because i needed to ask myself the same questions.

and i had a million questions.
and there was only one answer.
and i wanted that answer so much.



i got my answer eventually.
and everyday i miss him.
hell, i'm bound to miss him.
but it isn't the kind of missing i assumed it would be.

i was expecting the kind of missing that you get when you're away for a long period of time.
that pit in the stomach feeling of absence.

but it isn't that.
in fact, it's more like an absence that you can't wait to fill.
it's like being homesick, really.
but the comfort in this particular missing is that you know that no matter how
far you are they're still there. that home still exists.

so you miss them.

but their absence isn't unbearable because they're still there, with you, all of the time.
it's only in occasional moments, few and far between, that i find myself on the verge of that first kind of missing.
my heart beats quickly
and i want out of the room i'm in.
or i'll be driving and the tears will well up in my eyes -
not enough to make for a cry, but just enough to feel how much i care.

it'll happen for only a second or two.
sitting there across from an empty chair during a meal.

walking across campus and realizing the routine of your day, and wanting to add that person to your routine.

there is missing in ordering a tea in the morning for yourself but not ordering for that other person.
there is missing in rolling over in the middle of the night and remembering the sweet smell of closeness.

there is an absence in the evening when the day has been long and you need an embrace.
there is a coldness to a palm that goes untouched,
and a steady voice that goes unheard.


so these are all of these things that people around me point out - in fewer words, of course. sometimes not even in words but merely in looks.
the, oh you're in one of those? type of look that exudes doubt.

but there are things, little things, that people fail to know.
they pass judgment on he and i, and i've learned to laugh and keep quiet.

people don't know what it feels like when he looks at me,
or what it sounds like to laugh with him.
people don't know the warmth of his hands or of his kind words.

people don't know what it means to be alongside him,
and the peace and quiet confidence that i have gained since.

people don't know that it's been such a short while,
and that i've been able to confirm my feelings since the day we first met.

people don't know the list of things that i want to share with him and him alone,
people don't know that he's quickly become my favorite person.

people don't know a lot of things.
and i know only a few.
but it's the few things that i am certain of,
the few things that have only occurred in five-everydays,
that bring me peace.

it's the things no one knows that keep me certain in the choice i have made.

so i never thought i'd do a long distance relationship but here i am.

it's an everyday thing without the everyday.
but it's something that i couldn't possibly just give up.
there's too much there,
and there's too much to be had.


there's a blank space each and every day.
i suppose that people fear this blank space -
as if it's a division that is bound to bring an end.

but me...well, i see this blank space as key.
because as long as that blank space exists, it means
that i have a liking for someone who is worth filling that space -
and in due time he just might do so.

as long as there is a blank space i know that my heart is taken -
part of it here with me and part of it elsewhere.



i never thought i'd do this,
but finding myself here in this time of my life,
i wouldn't do things any other way.

boyfriend will be here next week.
and we'll have another everyday.
it may not be everyone else's idea of what's ideal.
but it's mine.
because he's ideal.
and he's mine.











2 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Sometimes the story of it all makes me glad. And other times I'd rather just be with him so that it would be normal. But perhaps it's the unconventional stories like yours and mine that will make the tale so much greater.

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