Sunday, October 6, 2013

The "F" in Love

i'm sitting here with two friends.
both cynics in ways i could only aspire to be -
both unconventional romantics with rules about love that only make sense
due to their experiences in life and in heartache.

both of them have a couple of years on me,
and yet i'm still the baby of the group in oh so many ways.

so we're sitting here - attempting to write essays about things that won't matter tomorrow,
or next week, or ever.

but one of them is looking on facebook - the end all to any type of studying, right?


and as she scrolls down her feed she begins to name off the statuses of people.
for some reason - according to her - everyone was either pregnant or engaged.

or in love.

it was the love one that really struck a cord.
because all of us laugh at the married and expecting.
if you're not one for the ring by spring here,
then you're the one laughing til it hurts.



i was in the middle of reading an article about breaking up - about the moment you know things just aren't working. and it was in the middle of my thoughts regarding relationships -

my hopeful self versus my cynical self that identified with that moment {because yes i know that moment: that horrible moment when you hear the news in your own head before you deliver it to the poor guy}

- that i heard her string of F words one after the other - running water of profanity.
and of course our other friend had to get in on the cynicism.

i love love, they read on her ex's facebook status.
{yes, we were commenting on social media, but what are you going to do on a sunday night anyways?}.

i wasn't giving them my full attention until one of them looked to me and restated the status
"i love love..." sounds like you!

to which i responded, because i do!
i've become defensive about this, recently.

all of them have it figured out in their own way - and they won't mind giving you their two cents.

i'm not one to talk.
i have experience with two ends of the spectrum: crazy and conservative.
or, to put it kindly: mean and nice.
whatever.

anyways, i have zero experience in the in-between of things.
i've never really had the normal beginning or the normal end of a relationship.
and i hope to god that i don't experience the latter any time soon.

so i have no room to give any pointers to anyone except: if you know that it's wrong...run.
and i have advice on all of the ways you can disappear for a while,
stay angry for a while,
and how to mend for an awfully long while.


but i can't for the life of me tell you how to make a relationship work.
i have my opinions, of course, but i have no room to talk.

so i prefer to stay away from giving my two cents.
i feel like everyone's happiness is theirs to attain at any age or stage in life.

alyssa and i were talking about this today:
about the progress of two people.
 about "too soon's" and the like.

i've been defensive lately about my own relationship.
i guard it mightily because everyone's opinions are big and not always what i need to hear.

i'm young,
i don't have it figured out,
and i know these two facts well.


i eat my lunch alone each day, and it was two days this week
that a guy decided to introduce himself and sit with me.
he's nice and talks about his love of traveling and of his major in history.
nice facts. conservative facts.

and the other day he asked what my friend and i were going to do for fun over the weekend.
{and let me tell you this was after he made it perfectly clear how single he was
and what he thought of the ring by spring}

i told him that she wanted to take me to a fraternity party.
because she does, but more importantly because i wanted to push the envelope a bit.
i was reading him like a book and i knew that if i said one thing off
that he might respond in a particular way.

his face immediately changed.
you would go to one of those? he asked.
i can't imagine a girl like you in that situation. why would you subject yourself to people like that?
yes, the conversation sounded something quite like this.

people like what?
and he's right to an extent: my quiet nature doesn't really fit in crazy situations, but he doesn't know that.
nor does he know the people in my life that i love who subject themselves to that each weekend.
whatever that really means.
because, as far as i know, i have some great people in my life.
people who don't give their two cents freely.


so he began a list of what was wrong with relationships {friendships, specifically} with people like that.
it wasn't condescending.
but i called my dad and told him because i had to laugh.

i wanted to stop the guy to say, by the way...
but i sat back, and thought to myself: but i love the relationships i have.
because they're mine.
there was no way i could be cynical in that conversation.
i didn't feel like justifying anything.
and i probably would have laughed when he withdrew his opinions with a
i'm sorry, i had no idea.
because he didn't,
but he had to give his two cents, i suppose.
and i took them and put them in my slot of in one ear and out the other.



and i love love just the same.
regardless of my age and stage.
regardless of any opinion that i find around me pertaining to people and how it should be.

despite the fact that i'm the youngest, i just can't for the life of me let the curses flow towards others and their relationships,
even if i did find myself curled over with laughter at just how wonderful my friend makes that four letter word sound.

so we believe in two four letter words over here.
i use them both selectively...okay, so one of them is used more than i'd like to admit.

but i will never, ever {until i have my own littles to nag} give my two cents to a person
who just needs to figure it out. weed out the crap. hurt a little. love a lot.

because when it's right, it's right.
and every other opinion will just be wrong.

that's what i've learned, anyways.
and it's right.
this i know is right.

and those are my two cents ;)

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