Wednesday, November 27, 2013

because it's late

last night i was talking on the phone with someone when a question was asked.
it went something along the lines of, what are the things you want that you know you can't have?

how terrible is it that, as humans, we're somewhat required to think this way?
because we technically will never be able to have it all.

the relationship i'm in is an interesting one.
it consists of conversations and perspectives that challenge and teach me.
relationships scare me. and usually i find myself feeling backed into a corner.
fortunately, that corner always seems to have a window.
and out that window and into nothingness i choose to go each time.

but this time is different.
this time i find myself tempted by the window.
it's there and i can see that there are other things beyond the window,
and yet i cannot leave.

i am stuck--i am loved so i am so very stuck.

not in any stagnant way,
but in a secured way--my mind perplexed by the slightest thought of escaping.

because there would be regret.
because there isn't another being that could fill the place.
because i have learned to love and to be loved all over again,
and so why would i need to do so once more?
the window blows cold air in anyway and i am looking for warmth.

so i want to stay.
because this--he--is something i can have.
no, i can't have it all.
and hell, things are becoming more and more real
and he's speaking up and it isn't all music to my ears
but when have i ever enjoyed being told what to do or how to change?

i can't have it all but there are desires of mine that i am as adamant with as i am with smallish things that the poor guy must deem as a terrible case of stubbornness. 

so maybe i'm stubborn, and even a bit crass about that stubbornness.
i'll have to learn to adapt a bit better, but for now there are things i will pursue 
whole hearted and remain passionate about achieving them.

1. i want to always be impacted by the lives of those around me. i want to see through my own life and never find myself too comfortable. 

2. i want to be a mom. and i never used to want this. and i don't want this for a very long time. but recently i have gained more of an appreciation for child-like perspectives, and the love that comes from caring for someone incapable of caring for their own self.

3. i want to teach people how to write. how to express themselves. and i want to watch them grow in the beauty that is found between paper and pen contact, and the deep crevices of a book about one's own life.

4. i want to forever keep my heart in the act of be still & know

5. i want to travel. to take in the world--explore it, learn from it, grow from it. i want to collect people and allow the goodness of new relationships with people and places to fill my life.

6. i want to write. for forever. 

7. i want to marry my best friend. in spite of life and the obstacles it throws, i want a blessed marriage, overflowing with love and joy and humility and respect. 

i want these things and i want to remember, as i go into a new year, that these things are very possible.

happy almost thanksgiving.

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