Thursday, January 30, 2014

on travel.

tonight, when discussing future living plans with friends,
i told them that i hope to study abroad next spring.

where am i thinking?

some time in germany...maybe some time in iceland... :)

yes, iceland.

following that, one of the girls asked me: madi, what on earth would make you want to do
something like that?

ummm...adventure? i thought.

so that all led into one big tangent and a run through google maps and romanian facebook pages to show just a smidgen of what my month in romania and moldova was like.

i had forgotten what talk of travel does for me -- it's absolutely invigorating.

i couldn't stop describing the smells and the tastes and the feelings and emotions of foreign foods, hostels, people, etcetera.

i try to sum up romania and moldova, and it's absolutely impossible.
i try to describe the faces that are embedded in my memory, and there are no words.

i can't make anyone feel the hot sun that burned and peeled my skin as i explored cities and laid on the sand that borders the black sea.

i can't recite the languages that carried through the busses, horse carriages, churches, hostels, planes, and train.

i wish i could replay the documentary on nicolae ceausescu, or walk someone through the people's palace -- standing on history's floor once again.

i can't find anything close to the taste of shawarma from a bucharest food stand, or fresh nectarines accompanied by a loaf of bread and slice of cheese.

each time i have taken public transportation since, i close my eyes and remember the subway of bucharest -- as young people whispered americans and starred at our clothing and pointed at our foreignness.

there is no feeling like the feel of landing in a new place, where no one knows you and any trace of home has vanished.

and i would trade almost anything in the world to feel so humbled again. to be welcomed into a home of someone who counters nearly everything about me.

i remember counting the cobblestones as i made my way back at dusk.
i can recall the hands that held mine, even though not a single word could be exchanged.
i will always remember the god that stood on those streets, guiding the children home and acting as their hands and feet.

my next trip will not touch my last,
and it more than likely will not be so people centered,
but i am once more gaining the urge to jump on a plane and
go somewhere new.

and the feeling is so beautiful
and so god-given, that i have to think that
this world is just so full and i must see it all.


Tuesday, January 28, 2014

on long distance.

yesterday marked six months since i met boyfriend.
today marks six months since he asked me for my phone number.
we have literally talked every day for six months.

this morning i had a conversation with a woman.
we were talking all about relationships -- mostly about
the pros and cons of them at this age.

she asked about mine and boyfriend's relationship.
how it works.
why it works.
how it all happened.

and towards the end of the conversation i found myself claiming this:

i wouldn't do the relationship any other way -- at least not at this time in our lives.

the words burned my mouth as i heard them dripping with honesty,
though i could distinctly mark the contradiction that they have in comparison
to the hundreds of texts i have sent to him saying that i just want him here, now,
for good, so that we can be "normal."

but i meant that closing statement, nonetheless.
although i want him. now. always. consistently.

i'm learning that the distance allows us to grow in a healthy way.
the trust/communication/openness/effort is amplified into great amounts.
but everything else can grow at a healthy pace -- there's patience, and anticipation, appreciation, support, love --
all of this can grow as it needs to.

and the both of us can focus on where we are, on who's around us.

so that's good for now.
healthy for now.

six months ago i would have laughed at the idea of having a long distance relationship.
i hadn't ever entertained the idea as a reality.
but it was this time six months ago that i must have wondered about such a thing -- somewhere along the lines
of him asking for my number over facebook and my girlish nervousness over a guy actually wanting to talk to me -- it had been a rough year and a half, remember?

never in a million years would i have suspected, then and there, that the guy from berkeley would still be wishing me good night six months later.

never would i have imagined that we would fall in love.

i couldn't tell you how the whole love thing happened.
it just did.

i kind of knew one day -- and i couldn't quite spit it out,
but my uncensored mouth did eventually -- out from behind my lips and right into his eager ear.

so, to all who say that distance is a deciding factor,
i say that it's not.

or, rather, that it doesn't have to be.
falling in love doesn't calculate miles -- it takes time and respect and friendship.

consider the distance and then throw the thought away.
it doesn't matter how far it takes to reach someone,
just focus on your destination.

i swear i am home each time i find myself looking for his face.

distance is a silly, scary thing.
but it isn't an ultimatum if you don't want it to be.

it's been one hell of a six month ordeal, but life just wouldn't be the same
without him and i can't think of what things would have looked like if he
hadn't interrupted my life.

yes, interrupt ;)

because i had a plan and he wasn't in it,
but now he is and i love him for it.

i'm crazy about him for it.

i have seen him -- hmmm...23 times, perhaps? give or take a day.

and he's my best friend.

there are all of the laughs, and tears, and thank you's, and i love you's, and in-between-words and kisses that there needs to be to make two happy people.

and there are a million and one adventures that i can't wait to share with him.

{seattle or portland, anyone?}

here's to another six months and some.


Monday, January 27, 2014

a few internet things.

i love old photos. these are wonderful in sad and happy ways.

such good advice.

these women are full of wise words.

i want to wear this outfit tomorrow.

babies are my favorite, obviously.

this engagement ring just kills me.

also, i caved.
boyfriend made me cave with my no-facebook attempt.
and i couldn't stay away from instagram for too long.

maybe 2015's resolutions will go better than 2014's? :)

Monday, January 20, 2014

found something silly on my computer just now. and it is a beautiful reminder of "why."

From the 20th December, 2013

I love to write beside you,
As you quietly sleep.
To feel your warmth permeating my side.
I feel you near and I love you more—
Most especially for the impression that your life has left on mine.

Anticipating you to awaken is better than all other anticipations—
For you are here, your are near, you are mine.

And I can kiss you when you wake.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

any time they come onto the radio i swear i feel as though i'm in oregon again.

i don't know why this is so,
or maybe i do but talking about music
and the specific memories it reminds me of feels too personal.

i reflect on oregon often.
i smile at the innocence and goodness that
flourished in my life there.

sometimes i want to go back and show
those who know me now the life i once had.
it's like a great little story...a best kept secret that isn't evident
until it's talked about.

i admire the tenacity i gained while there.
and i laugh at the little secrets i left there with and about others.

so when this song--or particular songs like it--come on the radio,
i must sit back, listen, and remember that i actually led the life i led last year.

i'm proud of it.
and sometimes...rarely...i wish to go back and taste it all again,
just to make sure it was real.

and that's the beauty of nostalgia.

a late resolution.

so yesterday i finally began one of my new year's resolutions.
it was one that i had planned on, but not in some i'm-gonna-stick-to-this way
and more with a does-saying-it-at-least-count-as-an-attempt? attitude.

but! yesterday morning did me in.
i have a pile of beautiful beautiful books on my desk
and they all need to be read.
{another resolution of mine}

each night before i go to sleep,
and early on weekend mornings,
i tell myself that i'll read.
usually i grab the current book i'm reading,
or i'll go for a book of short stories or poems,
and sometimes, the new yorker.

i'll even bring the read into bed.
but first, check instagram -- i'll think to myself.
and then facebook.
not to mention i'm also texting,
and fidgeting with my alarm,
and checking the weather app,
and then i'm using google to look something up,
or i'm admiring the bookmarked pages of online brands and whatnot,
or stressing about that email from that professor or whatever,
and before you know it, it is way past my bedtime and i haven't read a word,
nor have i eased my mind the slightest bit.

so yesterday, i woke up at seven and the morning was absolutely beautiful.
i kept telling myself grab your library!
but you know what?
i laid there for three and a half hours
just flicking through my phone apps and the internet.

i was so angry that i had wasted a good morning of reading that i texted
my friend, gave her my facebook password and asked her to change it so
that the only way to log into it would be through her.
and then i deleted my instagram app.

it was one little clean sweep that i hope will make a huge difference
in my day. i want to read more and sleep better and write more and be engaged
in conversations at the dinner table and not feel the need to walk across campus
looking down. it's all too self-consumed and tedious and wasteful, don't you think?

and this isn't to say that i'm never going to look at my networks again.
i just feel that my concentration in class and my focus on even the most minute things
happening around me have been skewed by a bad habit of logging into something.

yesterday i noted just how many times i stopped doing my homework to check something on my phone. i would just be reading and studying and before i knew it i had picked up the phone without even thinking twice about it.
and, i also left my phone in my room for both meals yesterday and it felt wonderful to sit at the table and actually engage more than i had before.

i have realized just how ugly of a habit checking updates really is.
it's like some bizarre security blanket--as if being alone for even a few minutes means an insecurity overload that requires us to remove ourselves even more from those around us and repeatedly scroll through a feed.
{or maybe that's just me??}

so until i find a balance and am able to glance at it once or twice in my day
rather than subconsciously checking it every five minutes, i have deleted my ability to access that stuff.

i mean, i'm really kind of embarrassed about it.
i wonder how many people have found me rude or disengaged
simply because i was looking at a picture someone took of their face or of their meal or reading some pointless rant of a status.

when i think about it: who really cares, anyway?
i have almost four hundred people following me on one site,
and i have over seven hundred friends on facebook.
but i couldn't, for the life of me, tell you how 99% of those people are today, and what and who they love, and why i call them a "friend".

so if i can't tell you about them,
they sure as hell won't know what to say about me,
so why would they care about what i'm posting on such and such a day.

yes, i do have that 1% who don't see me each day, but genuinely care about hearing and seeing how i'm doing. but i suppose that's where the texting is acceptable, and the calls should be made, and the letters i right?

so, here's to more reading and writing, and better conversations and taking in everything around me!
as well as getting over myself with feeling like going off of
social networks means i'm missing out because, really, who cares?

Saturday, January 11, 2014


sometimes i see photos of couples and i find myself staring at the moment
the moment that the two of them are in...just them.

it's a beautiful, intimate moment,
and i think damn that photographer, capturing such a good moment.

and i also think how'd they get it so right?..the moment so right.

this photo was taken without my knowledge.
it's a bit blurry,
i edited it with instagram,
and this isn't the entire photo.

but when i zoomed in on it earlier, i thought,
so that's what a moment feels like.

i don't remember this picture being taken,
but i do remember looking into his eyes, and shyly allowing him to kiss me at midnight.
and this is probably the silliness that overtook me after the fact due to my shyness.

nonetheless, we were in our own little moment.
the world often stops with him, even though it keeps going.
fortunately, someone caught a glimpse of that moment--
the two of us,
in our own little world,
caught between last year and this year,
and completely falling for one another.

Friday, January 10, 2014

new things.

i have a new roommate.
she's a bit wonderful, and also the funniest.

she's entirely changed the feel of this room of ours.
we keep the lights off and leave strung lights on.

there's a pretty anthro candle that we constantly burn
and the room smells homelike, always.

there's bits of clutter like perfume and jewelry and make up.
and tea that brews and hums.

the room is cold at night because it's january,
but we keep it warm with pretty blankets and warm lights.

and there's chocolate under my bed from boyfriend,
"wrapped fancy" as my roommate called it.

so living here is nice right now,
and i'm content each night,
having a new friend who likes her living space as i prefer mine.

i miss the warmth, the smells and the homelike feeling that boyfriend brings me,
but this will have to do until i find myself back where he is --
in a pretty city by the bay.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

a love letter to the author.

it was later yesterday evening.
somewhere between sigma and rho.
in a dimly lit room.
it was there.
and as i said your name,
all other words were like whispers in comparison.
so i said your name over and over--as truly as i could profess.
and there you were--entirely there--
ending the silence, filling the spaces, and easing my core.

you were intricately there through each of the memories i recounted.
and though i told you on my walk back home that i love him--that i wholeheartedly and happily love him, too--i knew that i love you as well.

that i always have and always will.
and i smiled because you are good,
and he is mine, as i am yours.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

i couldn't let berkeley boy out of my sight for even two days.

not if i could help it!
...and i couldn't.

we had said our goodbye's on wednesday...or so we thought.
i spent yesterday in berkeley with my mom.
perhaps she could sense my removed self,
but she eventually asked me about him and i told her--
"i feel homesick. missing him is like being homesick."

she told me to ask him to come.
and i did,
so he did.

he showed up late yesterday evening and we spent most of today together.
i look at him and know for a fact that he is my best friend,
we've both fallen so far over the past five months.
there is endless growth ahead of us--and we know that--so having fear is a bit silly.

but i think of the cost that losing him would be,
and i can't even fathom the numbers and brokenness.

saying goodbye to him is my least favorite thing ever.
but he's still mine,
and we're still in this,
and there are some fears that are necessary but others, like distance, shouldn't be one of them.

until next time,
second semester of my sophomore year now awaits me.


speaking of relationships, someone from my old college posted this on facebook and, though i am nowhere near this list, the traits are something i try my best to strive for. i read and enjoyed what was listed.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

hi, 2014!!!

happy new year!
i spent new years eve and day with boyfriend.
we literally watched about twelve to fifteen hours of breaking bad.

we're a bit obsessed.

anyhoo, while sitting on the couch yesterday, he asked me what my new years resolutions
are and i shyly told him that i couldn't say because they're silly.
but as the day turned into night, i put more thought into my little list and i've decided to write them here. i love lists of any and all sorts, so making this list wasn't too difficult.

in 2014 i hope to read more. being an english major obviously requires endless reading {which i could do better at, too} but i have a stack of beautiful stories on my desk in irvine and a bookshelf full here at home, and i don't want them to go unread any further. i hope to spend my sundays in church again--i miss it. i miss the community of people, and i should be taking advantage of the opportunities that come with attending church while in college. with that, i know i should read my bible more, even if it's merely a chapter--even a verse!--per day. i want to come up with some routine for working on short story writings. i also want to journal/blog more. writing makes my life feel so much smoother, so it baffles me why i don't make more time for it. i'd love to start exercising more, whether it's running when i can or {gasp!} paying for a gym membership. i want to call more, text less with family. write letters to friends i say i'll keep in touch with, but don't. i want to find better ways to cope with the stress of school rather than using it as an excuse for retail therapy! i want to defy long distance relationship stereotypes, and continue to love boyfriend. because loving him is my favorite. i want to find opportunities to be more creative, to work with my hands more, or learn something new {knitting anyone?!}. i want to finish how i met your mother--because i should have months ago. i want to be a better listener, and i want to be slower to anger or to anxiousness. i want to learn how to find quietness and to be content within that quietness. i want to learn to appreciate time, rather than being anxious about it and its pace.

i believe that 2014 will be a year of change and growth.
i loved the changes brought to my life last year, and this year can only be better.
happiest new year, everyone!
i hope that it's a blessed one.