Sunday, January 19, 2014

a late resolution.

so yesterday i finally began one of my new year's resolutions.
it was one that i had planned on, but not in some i'm-gonna-stick-to-this way
and more with a does-saying-it-at-least-count-as-an-attempt? attitude.

but! yesterday morning did me in.
i have a pile of beautiful beautiful books on my desk
and they all need to be read.
{another resolution of mine}

each night before i go to sleep,
and early on weekend mornings,
i tell myself that i'll read.
usually i grab the current book i'm reading,
or i'll go for a book of short stories or poems,
and sometimes, the new yorker.

i'll even bring the read into bed.
but first, check instagram -- i'll think to myself.
and then facebook.
not to mention i'm also texting,
and fidgeting with my alarm,
and checking the weather app,
and then i'm using google to look something up,
or i'm admiring the bookmarked pages of online brands and whatnot,
or stressing about that email from that professor or whatever,
and before you know it, it is way past my bedtime and i haven't read a word,
nor have i eased my mind the slightest bit.

so yesterday, i woke up at seven and the morning was absolutely beautiful.
i kept telling myself grab your library!
but you know what?
i laid there for three and a half hours
just flicking through my phone apps and the internet.

i was so angry that i had wasted a good morning of reading that i texted
my friend, gave her my facebook password and asked her to change it so
that the only way to log into it would be through her.
and then i deleted my instagram app.

it was one little clean sweep that i hope will make a huge difference
in my day. i want to read more and sleep better and write more and be engaged
in conversations at the dinner table and not feel the need to walk across campus
looking down. it's all too self-consumed and tedious and wasteful, don't you think?

and this isn't to say that i'm never going to look at my networks again.
i just feel that my concentration in class and my focus on even the most minute things
happening around me have been skewed by a bad habit of logging into something.

yesterday i noted just how many times i stopped doing my homework to check something on my phone. i would just be reading and studying and before i knew it i had picked up the phone without even thinking twice about it.
and, i also left my phone in my room for both meals yesterday and it felt wonderful to sit at the table and actually engage more than i had before.

i have realized just how ugly of a habit checking updates really is.
it's like some bizarre security blanket--as if being alone for even a few minutes means an insecurity overload that requires us to remove ourselves even more from those around us and repeatedly scroll through a feed.
{or maybe that's just me??}

so until i find a balance and am able to glance at it once or twice in my day
rather than subconsciously checking it every five minutes, i have deleted my ability to access that stuff.

i mean, i'm really kind of embarrassed about it.
i wonder how many people have found me rude or disengaged
simply because i was looking at a picture someone took of their face or of their meal or reading some pointless rant of a status.

when i think about it: who really cares, anyway?
i have almost four hundred people following me on one site,
and i have over seven hundred friends on facebook.
but i couldn't, for the life of me, tell you how 99% of those people are today, and what and who they love, and why i call them a "friend".

so if i can't tell you about them,
they sure as hell won't know what to say about me,
so why would they care about what i'm posting on such and such a day.

yes, i do have that 1% who don't see me each day, but genuinely care about hearing and seeing how i'm doing. but i suppose that's where the texting is acceptable, and the calls should be made, and the letters i right?

so, here's to more reading and writing, and better conversations and taking in everything around me!
as well as getting over myself with feeling like going off of
social networks means i'm missing out because, really, who cares?

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