Friday, February 28, 2014

r a i n & t h e m u s t a r d s e e d .

i woke up in my old bed, here in my old house, in the town that i grew up in.
life always feels different when i'm six hours south of home,
and it always felt odd when i was twelve hours north.

as most of you know, i went from living in an always-rainy-place,
to living in a place that hardly sees a week's worth of rain in an entire year.

so i was all set to come home yesterday.
i had been for weeks.
and then the weather forecast said: R A I N .
and not just up north, but down south too.
mom and i raced through the six hour drive yesterday
and made it without hitting a drop of rain.

today, however, is a different story.
i woke up several times throughout the night
to the sound of gusty winds and water splashes against the glass.

i can honestly say that i've seen it rain once, maybe twice since i've
been home from living in oregon.


and i must say that since i awoke from the storm,
some things have began to resonate with me.
no, i'm not making this storm into one big metaphor {or maybe i am, yikes!}
but this entire past week has really got me thinking.

for the past...hmm month or two, perhaps?...i've been stuck.
stuck emotionally.
stuck mentally.
stuck creatively.
and, worst of all, stuck spiritually.

it's as if the worst case of writer's block has suited itself differently to all of the above aspects and blocked everything.
i can't seem to access the deeper parts to myself that make me me.

i've had moments like this before,
and, sure they take a long time to shake,
but this time has got me truly frustrated.

i haven't been able to write a story in my leisurely time since i don't know when.
my classes are so simple and i'm actually failing to feel challenged, and school has always been difficult for me.

i have to work extra hard at relationships because, as grateful as i am for the ones i do have,
there are pieces missing. i don't feel wholly myself in the friendships i have down south, nor do i feel wholly accepted when i am being myself.

and then there's god.
and i know he's right in front of me, but for some reason
someone has turned the lights out, and i've bitten into some old bitterness, and i can't seem to see a damn thing.

it's a storm.
it all is.

and i hate this term in this way because i've heard it time and time again.
but it's just true.
it's a storm.

a storm of some sort, that i haven't felt entirely ready to accept.

i've learned so many lessons in this short life of mine.
life has always thrown the shit at the fan,
and god has always been there to help me clean up the mess.

he's always been there to whisper my name and pick me back up,
and tell me why things have happened or how i can trust him to get me back out.

for some reason i'm just in a place where i feel like everything is mine mine mine
and it is all about me me me
and i want it my way because somehow i know best.

so i've been going through the motions of this week.
i stayed alone in my dorm for sunday and monday night while there
was an on campus alert of an intruder. {sure, i didn't sleep well but i was so happy i worked up the courage to stay alone}

i drove home alone and back...which is a big deal because i hate driving.

and i trusted god that he would keep me safe for the entirety of the week.

there have also been other little things that have happened,
but those two are the biggest.
and they're significant to me, regardless of how minuscule they may seem to anyone else.

last night when my family was discussing the options my brother has for universities,
i said "he should do what i should have done from the beginning."

and as true as those words could be in some context,
the reality is that there can never be any truth to them in this current context
because i am where i am, for only god knows why,

and god knows why should just be an answer i should become familiar with again.
i don't know when i climbed onto the madison-knows-all-for-madison high horse,
but it's exhausting and i don't know what i'm doing and i do need to leave it to the only thing that does.

so, "school isn't challenging," i complained. -- but i literally just this morning received an email for my advising appointment {can anyone say 300 and 400 level classes for next semester???}

"my relationships feel shallow" -- maybe a lot of this is just me and the shallowness i've been feeling within myself {so just last week i was given a life-group through church and the people in it are outstanding individuals that i hope will bring depth and wisdom to my life}

"i'm not where i'm supposed to be" -- and yet maybe if i looked around i'd realize that i'm living in one of the most beautiful places, my parents are providing me with an education, and i'm studying the most amazing subject.

so me, madison, is in a storm.
sure, there's a literal one happening right outside...and, for real, where did it come from because it does not rain in the oc.

but the storm outside will pass when god allows,
and he will only pass the one in me when i allow.

i know this post is personal and cliche and long,
but it's something that i need to be able to look back on for a reminder.

life is so beautiful,
and god is watering the seeds i planted so long ago.

i can't rush what's growing because then it wouldn't be growth.
sometimes i feel stagnant, as if nothing will come from what i am doing,
but soon something will come.

the faith that was required for the little things this week
is required for the bigger things -- even if the the amounts of faith are the same and in small amounts.

this is my mustard seed -- as small as it is.
and this is my storm -- as huge as it feels.

and god will match and surpass them both.

the end.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

about a boy

i don't know if it's the way you kissed me early in the day or the way you kissed me when i said goodnight. i was caught somewhere between your i love you and my hand that had knotted itself in yours.

i knotted myself up in your too many times these past couple days, and now i'm in a bind that i don't care to untangle myself from.

and on saturday, we were stuck on a ledge.
we knew how we felt and yet i had one last concern --
one last thing to ask of you, for now.

so i made a big, bold statement,
and listened to my words as they poured out from my mouth
and onto the pillow. i looked away from your face because i knew
i had been too honest.

i listened for you to be angry but the anger never came.

so i fell some more.
maybe you have a knack for knowing the right things to say --
perhaps i have a knack for story-telling things to myself that cover what is there --
or maybe, just maybe, we're both onto a great adventure.

{personally i find the adventure most believable.}

i like you most when you spin me around and around.
you let me twirl and circle around you, even if we're in a crowd.

i like the way you stopped me tonight, as you placed your hands on my waist,
and you pulled me in close even though people walked past us.

i like the way i curled up next to you in the car, as we sat and wrote and talked -- taking in our last moments, for now.

waking up and falling asleep in the same place as you is my favorite -- but we knew that already.
i hadn't slept in the same town as you since new years, and that is entirely a sad thing.

i like your plaid shirts and colored chucks.

i like how you prefer expensive chocolate in overpriced theaters.

writing letters with your name on them will never get old -- that just isn't possible.

i can't help but laugh at the thought of this morning, when it came time to take you to church, how we found ourselves stuck on the eleventh floor -- watching elevator after elevator go down, filled with people. i laugh at the dead end we reached in the stairwell, and how, when we finally waited on the second floor, you caught me again and kissed me because we were alone, and you didn't care.

i felt most normal having dinner with you at 10:15 --
you're my favorite person to share a pizza with.
and how you order the sweetest desserts on the menu,
but claim that i am the cause of your poor eating choices when we're together.

and there was that moment today -- a quiet moment between the activities of our day -- when we got the chance to lay around and remember what it's like to be together.
the sun was shining just perfect -- which is why i love my bright room.
i had curled myself alongside you but you pulled away and looked me intently in the eyes.

and you told me how much you loved them -- my eyes.
and you noted how green they were.
and then you looked at me in a way that all girls should be looked at in life.

you told me i was beautiful and that you were in love with me.
you named the things you love about me -- and only the things that dwell within a woman.

then you called me yours,
and i couldn't deny that --

-- so i am yours, still, even after you said goodbye.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

you & i.

i have a tendency to feel any given emotion at any given time,
yet you remain composed -- emotions in check, and nowhere near your sleeves.

i will ride any emotion at any given time. and sometimes even the strongest,
most irrational emotion will give me the sense that i'm onto the best or worst decision ever,
you will wait and see what time tells.

i will laugh at almost anything -- even the darkest of humor,
you have a variety of tastes in humor, and an occasional crassness,
but oftentimes you're the one asking why i'm laughing.

i tend to plan and undo those plans and then plan again -- all the while knowing
that most planning is silly,
you plan and achieve and then plan when the time is right again.

i study fiction,
you study facts.

i have new ideas that evolve each day,
you patiently listen.

i almost never finish my plate of food, even though i'll claim to be starving,
you always politely finish your plate {and will share food with me, which is my favorite}

i like sad movies,
you like scary movies that make me bury my face in your arms.

i leave every drawer open no matter what room of a home i am in,
you are the tidiest boy i have ever liked.

i can't cook to save my life,
you have baked something each time i have been to your home.

i drove through a car wash for reasons only god knows why {and totally killed my bumper},
you are the most cautious driver i know.

when i am angry i push you away and i don't want to talk,
you are always ready to listen and to progress.

sometimes i leave you little love letters,
you have bought me more chocolate and sweets than any other boy ever has.

i hated sushi,
you made me love it.

i love to watch movies,
you can recite lines from television shows as if you've seen every episode at least one hundred times.

i get cold easily,
you are always warm.

i love to spin around and around,
you are always there to twirl me.

i have tripped several times around you,
you have always caught me.

i am always the first asleep,
you say my favorite good nights.

i am your favorite 'i love you,'
and you are mine.


happy sunday.