Friday, February 28, 2014

r a i n & t h e m u s t a r d s e e d .

i woke up in my old bed, here in my old house, in the town that i grew up in.
life always feels different when i'm six hours south of home,
and it always felt odd when i was twelve hours north.

as most of you know, i went from living in an always-rainy-place,
to living in a place that hardly sees a week's worth of rain in an entire year.

so i was all set to come home yesterday.
i had been for weeks.
and then the weather forecast said: R A I N .
and not just up north, but down south too.
mom and i raced through the six hour drive yesterday
and made it without hitting a drop of rain.

today, however, is a different story.
i woke up several times throughout the night
to the sound of gusty winds and water splashes against the glass.

i can honestly say that i've seen it rain once, maybe twice since i've
been home from living in oregon.


and i must say that since i awoke from the storm,
some things have began to resonate with me.
no, i'm not making this storm into one big metaphor {or maybe i am, yikes!}
but this entire past week has really got me thinking.

for the past...hmm month or two, perhaps?...i've been stuck.
stuck emotionally.
stuck mentally.
stuck creatively.
and, worst of all, stuck spiritually.

it's as if the worst case of writer's block has suited itself differently to all of the above aspects and blocked everything.
i can't seem to access the deeper parts to myself that make me me.

i've had moments like this before,
and, sure they take a long time to shake,
but this time has got me truly frustrated.

i haven't been able to write a story in my leisurely time since i don't know when.
my classes are so simple and i'm actually failing to feel challenged, and school has always been difficult for me.

i have to work extra hard at relationships because, as grateful as i am for the ones i do have,
there are pieces missing. i don't feel wholly myself in the friendships i have down south, nor do i feel wholly accepted when i am being myself.

and then there's god.
and i know he's right in front of me, but for some reason
someone has turned the lights out, and i've bitten into some old bitterness, and i can't seem to see a damn thing.

it's a storm.
it all is.

and i hate this term in this way because i've heard it time and time again.
but it's just true.
it's a storm.

a storm of some sort, that i haven't felt entirely ready to accept.

i've learned so many lessons in this short life of mine.
life has always thrown the shit at the fan,
and god has always been there to help me clean up the mess.

he's always been there to whisper my name and pick me back up,
and tell me why things have happened or how i can trust him to get me back out.

for some reason i'm just in a place where i feel like everything is mine mine mine
and it is all about me me me
and i want it my way because somehow i know best.

so i've been going through the motions of this week.
i stayed alone in my dorm for sunday and monday night while there
was an on campus alert of an intruder. {sure, i didn't sleep well but i was so happy i worked up the courage to stay alone}

i drove home alone and back...which is a big deal because i hate driving.

and i trusted god that he would keep me safe for the entirety of the week.

there have also been other little things that have happened,
but those two are the biggest.
and they're significant to me, regardless of how minuscule they may seem to anyone else.

last night when my family was discussing the options my brother has for universities,
i said "he should do what i should have done from the beginning."

and as true as those words could be in some context,
the reality is that there can never be any truth to them in this current context
because i am where i am, for only god knows why,

and god knows why should just be an answer i should become familiar with again.
i don't know when i climbed onto the madison-knows-all-for-madison high horse,
but it's exhausting and i don't know what i'm doing and i do need to leave it to the only thing that does.

so, "school isn't challenging," i complained. -- but i literally just this morning received an email for my advising appointment {can anyone say 300 and 400 level classes for next semester???}

"my relationships feel shallow" -- maybe a lot of this is just me and the shallowness i've been feeling within myself {so just last week i was given a life-group through church and the people in it are outstanding individuals that i hope will bring depth and wisdom to my life}

"i'm not where i'm supposed to be" -- and yet maybe if i looked around i'd realize that i'm living in one of the most beautiful places, my parents are providing me with an education, and i'm studying the most amazing subject.

so me, madison, is in a storm.
sure, there's a literal one happening right outside...and, for real, where did it come from because it does not rain in the oc.

but the storm outside will pass when god allows,
and he will only pass the one in me when i allow.

i know this post is personal and cliche and long,
but it's something that i need to be able to look back on for a reminder.

life is so beautiful,
and god is watering the seeds i planted so long ago.

i can't rush what's growing because then it wouldn't be growth.
sometimes i feel stagnant, as if nothing will come from what i am doing,
but soon something will come.

the faith that was required for the little things this week
is required for the bigger things -- even if the the amounts of faith are the same and in small amounts.

this is my mustard seed -- as small as it is.
and this is my storm -- as huge as it feels.

and god will match and surpass them both.

the end.

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