Saturday, March 29, 2014

three things:

you will never be happy.
you will never find love.
you're choosing a piece of paper over everything.





and they're three declarations i've been fighting for the past three weeks.
they're each their own falsehood with shadows that look like truth and talk like truth.

and it feels like there's a hole in my heart where some of my choices have burrowed.
and the breeze comes through my window, and the coolness of it is more comforting than the burns of these words.

and tears justify procrastination.
but i swear i'm still trying to write against evolution,
and for woody allen,
and why kids have sex.

and once those papers are done, i'll be in a brief clear.
and i'll toss aside these three phrases for now,
and make some new decisions.

and i'll live by three new phrases,
and forget the certainty in your voice when you spat them.

because, really, i'm still determined to do this all right.


Monday, March 10, 2014

"i'm sorry" -- on confrontation.

i have a major flaw -- among many, many flaws --
there's one -- one that either brings the rest of my flaws to life, or silences
them with its strife through my being.



i have an apology to make -- several, actually.

there is a list of people, not some ridiculously long list that
would touch the floor if it was on paper, but a list that makes me cringe.


i hadn't glanced at this life list of mine until recently.
i threw it away some time ago, but old ghosts
have recently come back to haunt me through new things in my life.




so i have some apologies to make.



i'm sorry for the words i don't speak when i'm feeling my happiest, or my lowest, or my most frustrated. if you just ask how i feel, i'll tell you. i'm more inclined to ask than to share.

i'm sorry for the time i like to take when i feel like sitting somewhere with a cup of tea and a book.
i'm sorry for how personal some have taken those moments when i try to find quiet within my busy weeks.

i'm sorry for the times i don't stand up for myself and say that i feel hurt.
i haven't told someone that they've hurt me in quite a few years, actually.

you see -- and this is no justification-- i feel so terrible when i have hurt someone and i have to listen to how i've done so. as a response i automatically keep my own hurts away so that i don't inflict pain upon someone who's hurt me. it's backwards and immature and it makes me a coward -- but i'm just now learning this truth.

i'm sorry for feeling frustrated by poisonous words,
for taking discomfort in being told what you think i am -- which i am not.

i'm sorry for the discomfort i cause you when i don't contribute to the conversation --
when i can't come up with an adequate way to either fight your fire with mine, or confront you with my honesty.

i'm sorry that i don't lead my life the way you would like me to.
that you feel conflicted by my character and the small choices i make throughout my days.

i'm sorry i'm not the strongest.
that i bleed when i'm cut,
that i cry when i'm hurt,
and that i'm doing my best to fill my life with positive individuals.

i'm sorry that the shit of my life -- we all have it, so i don't feel special, i promise --
is something you feel i take out on you.
that you find me small and naive and non-confrontational.

i'm sorry that you feel i need a voice -- because you've told me so.
i'm also sorry that the voice that sometimes comes out is something that angers you.
but you, my friend, are a mess of contradictions.

i'm sorry for the distances i've made,
the bridges i've burned,
and the personas i've exuded.



but most of all, i'm sorry that you've chosen to take my life so personal;
that you have found lists of things that are wrong with me;
that i am not the loudest, most fun girl in the world;
that i find peace in things you don't relate to;
that my quietness is so misunderstood and (bewilderingly) confusing to you.



and there's one more apology,
one that i've come to today.

after all of the words that have been spoken into my life the past few years --
the bad words, the ugly words --
after all of the substitutions i've made,
and amount of times i have stepped aside to make room in your life for what you need --


after all of this, please know that i am not a victim, or special, nor do i claim to have been through more.
i am not trying to excuse any of my faults and flaws.
i see them clearly, and i'm going through one hell of a growth spurt that is awfully long and tedious.



after all of this, and after all of my love for each of you,
i must admit that i'm sorry for having never said i was sorry when i had the chance.

and now i've realized that here -- in this moment -- i am not sorry for any of those things at all.


i'm just sorry you've misunderstood the sincerity, beauty and love i know i've had in spite of my flaws.
and i'm sorry that each and every one of your reasons for being angry and frustrated and malicious have been fueled by false assumption.



it's a little lesson i'm learning,
and it totally sucks.
but today really requires me to remind myself that i need to love myself --
my quiet, smallish, guarded little self.

and i do.

i really really do.

in spite of everything.



so, can we please all do one another the biggest favor?
when you have something to say, say it.
and if you don't have something to say, don't feel pressure
to fill the air with things that aren't true to your character.

you are the only person who has to live with every word you've ever said --
so say them and keep them wisely.



Tuesday, March 4, 2014

lately:

i don't know what it's been lately,
but i seem to have lost myself somewhere
between here and home,
or here and romania,
or here and oregon,
or here and two years ago.

it's like i woke up and realized that little remnants of myself
are missing -- and the reflection in the mirror is skewed.

i'm short with my words,
quiet with all of my manners,

and my thoughts are in quite the boiling state.





last year was a loneliness in the literal sense.
but this spring there are numerous people, places, and things that surround me,
and everything is loud and everything is quick.

but i am loneliest in a room filled with people -- this is what i have learned.


and i'm coming to terms with the reality that perhaps
quality is better than quantity,
that days do require extra prayers,
that love for oneself should exceed all other loves,
that patience is one hell of a virtue that i can't quite grasp,
that i have forgiven and not forgotten a laundry list of petty cuts and bruises --
so, really, where's the forgiveness in that?

i've learned that what i want is so much different
than how i want to get there.

i have never, ever, been more tempted to get on a plane and get lost somewhere else
for a short while.

i'm also tempted to go crawling back home -- but that's a pity party i won't stoop to.

and tonight i told my mom that i just need someone.

someone to listen and to see -- someone who won't open their mouth to say what i already know.
someone to listen and to not want to fix.

because, really, i'm the only thing that needs fixing and you don't have to tell me twice.
i know for a fact that no one can fix me -- i can fix me a bit, and i have to approve of the rest of the fixing, is all.



it's such a selfish state -- and i question whether i should post this --

but i'll be damned if i didn't hope that some insurmountable grace might start flowing from life if i choose to keep going and believing.



so i'll learn to say my prayers again,
and i still believe in grace.