Monday, March 10, 2014

"i'm sorry" -- on confrontation.

i have a major flaw -- among many, many flaws --
there's one -- one that either brings the rest of my flaws to life, or silences
them with its strife through my being.

i have an apology to make -- several, actually.

there is a list of people, not some ridiculously long list that
would touch the floor if it was on paper, but a list that makes me cringe.

i hadn't glanced at this life list of mine until recently.
i threw it away some time ago, but old ghosts
have recently come back to haunt me through new things in my life.

so i have some apologies to make.

i'm sorry for the words i don't speak when i'm feeling my happiest, or my lowest, or my most frustrated. if you just ask how i feel, i'll tell you. i'm more inclined to ask than to share.

i'm sorry for the time i like to take when i feel like sitting somewhere with a cup of tea and a book.
i'm sorry for how personal some have taken those moments when i try to find quiet within my busy weeks.

i'm sorry for the times i don't stand up for myself and say that i feel hurt.
i haven't told someone that they've hurt me in quite a few years, actually.

you see -- and this is no justification-- i feel so terrible when i have hurt someone and i have to listen to how i've done so. as a response i automatically keep my own hurts away so that i don't inflict pain upon someone who's hurt me. it's backwards and immature and it makes me a coward -- but i'm just now learning this truth.

i'm sorry for feeling frustrated by poisonous words,
for taking discomfort in being told what you think i am -- which i am not.

i'm sorry for the discomfort i cause you when i don't contribute to the conversation --
when i can't come up with an adequate way to either fight your fire with mine, or confront you with my honesty.

i'm sorry that i don't lead my life the way you would like me to.
that you feel conflicted by my character and the small choices i make throughout my days.

i'm sorry i'm not the strongest.
that i bleed when i'm cut,
that i cry when i'm hurt,
and that i'm doing my best to fill my life with positive individuals.

i'm sorry that the shit of my life -- we all have it, so i don't feel special, i promise --
is something you feel i take out on you.
that you find me small and naive and non-confrontational.

i'm sorry that you feel i need a voice -- because you've told me so.
i'm also sorry that the voice that sometimes comes out is something that angers you.
but you, my friend, are a mess of contradictions.

i'm sorry for the distances i've made,
the bridges i've burned,
and the personas i've exuded.

but most of all, i'm sorry that you've chosen to take my life so personal;
that you have found lists of things that are wrong with me;
that i am not the loudest, most fun girl in the world;
that i find peace in things you don't relate to;
that my quietness is so misunderstood and (bewilderingly) confusing to you.

and there's one more apology,
one that i've come to today.

after all of the words that have been spoken into my life the past few years --
the bad words, the ugly words --
after all of the substitutions i've made,
and amount of times i have stepped aside to make room in your life for what you need --

after all of this, please know that i am not a victim, or special, nor do i claim to have been through more.
i am not trying to excuse any of my faults and flaws.
i see them clearly, and i'm going through one hell of a growth spurt that is awfully long and tedious.

after all of this, and after all of my love for each of you,
i must admit that i'm sorry for having never said i was sorry when i had the chance.

and now i've realized that here -- in this moment -- i am not sorry for any of those things at all.

i'm just sorry you've misunderstood the sincerity, beauty and love i know i've had in spite of my flaws.
and i'm sorry that each and every one of your reasons for being angry and frustrated and malicious have been fueled by false assumption.

it's a little lesson i'm learning,
and it totally sucks.
but today really requires me to remind myself that i need to love myself --
my quiet, smallish, guarded little self.

and i do.

i really really do.

in spite of everything.

so, can we please all do one another the biggest favor?
when you have something to say, say it.
and if you don't have something to say, don't feel pressure
to fill the air with things that aren't true to your character.

you are the only person who has to live with every word you've ever said --
so say them and keep them wisely.

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