i don't know what it's been lately,
but i seem to have lost myself somewhere
between here and home,
or here and romania,
or here and oregon,
or here and two years ago.
it's like i woke up and realized that little remnants of myself
are missing -- and the reflection in the mirror is skewed.
i'm short with my words,
quiet with all of my manners,
and my thoughts are in quite the boiling state.
last year was a loneliness in the literal sense.
but this spring there are numerous people, places, and things that surround me,
and everything is loud and everything is quick.
but i am loneliest in a room filled with people -- this is what i have learned.
and i'm coming to terms with the reality that perhaps
quality is better than quantity,
that days do require extra prayers,
that love for oneself should exceed all other loves,
that patience is one hell of a virtue that i can't quite grasp,
that i have forgiven and not forgotten a laundry list of petty cuts and bruises --
so, really, where's the forgiveness in that?
i've learned that what i want is so much different
than how i want to get there.
i have never, ever, been more tempted to get on a plane and get lost somewhere else
for a short while.
i'm also tempted to go crawling back home -- but that's a pity party i won't stoop to.
and tonight i told my mom that i just need someone.
someone to listen and to see -- someone who won't open their mouth to say what i already know.
someone to listen and to not want to fix.
because, really, i'm the only thing that needs fixing and you don't have to tell me twice.
i know for a fact that no one can fix me -- i can fix me a bit, and i have to approve of the rest of the fixing, is all.
it's such a selfish state -- and i question whether i should post this --
but i'll be damned if i didn't hope that some insurmountable grace might start flowing from life if i choose to keep going and believing.
so i'll learn to say my prayers again,
and i still believe in grace.