Thursday, November 20, 2014

one of my top three dream cities to see is prague, in the czech republic.

and one of the bloggers i follow went just there. and dressed oh-so-fabulously. 
you can see here, over at gal meets glam.

maybe one day i will be a lucky enough girl to get whisked off to this beautiful place.



my other two dream cities are:

tel aviv, israel
and cinque terre, italy.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

SF, xoxo.

Can we all just take a moment to appreciate this beautiful little film?
San Francisco is by far my most favorite city in the entire world.
I feel home every time I see that skyline.

My favorite part about driving into Berkeley to see boyfriend--aside from seeing boyfriend--
is that skyline.
Sometimes Karl the Fog is out...but I love Karl, especially when he stretches over East.
But, gosh, drive along 80 around sunset on a clear day and I swear the city looks like
magic across the bay.
You'll get a clear perspective of the Bay Bridge and the GG Bridge.

I have this little habit:
Every time I make my way through Richmond I begin to get excited --
and as soon as I see the exits for University and Ashby I know
that the skyline is to my right -- 
and I always whisper to myself: I'm home.

Because that's what SF feels like.
I'm determined to make the girl-moves-to-the-city story happen -- even if it's for a short while, even if I do it alone or with a husband.
It'll be a glorious adventure.
Travel the world--I hope I do--but I know that SF is the best place to come home to. 


p.s. happy 600th post!

and, a friend told me yesterday: "It will change you and ruin you completely, in the best possible way."

Now, she said this regarding something else.
But sometimes I hope that everything in life will 
treat me as so -- perhaps it's the inner literary lover side of me,
but to be changed and ruined seems an awful lot like being 
broken and hemmed. 
Aka: Wonderful humanness. 

So, no matter my adventure -- goodness is around the corner, people.
Can you feel the magic?

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

to study abroad, or to not study abroad. this is the question.

although, i'm beginning to think that god is calling me to stay.
gosh, this is a challenging decision -- but one that i am blessed to have.

from this moment, i sense that my dream of grad school
is far greater than i knew, and is therefore a more reasonable goal to
stay and work towards.

i want that phd some day, people.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Exactly seven months into my twenties (while it's still 11:53 on November 8th)

I have been twenty years old for more than half a year now.
I don't feel twenty - ever.

Coming out of high school, I blogged so much about feeling old.
And, at the time, I was dealing with such immature, heavy situations
that it was the tiredness and the weight that was making me feel old.

Now I'm dealing with more mature situations like trying to maintain
an intentional relationship with a man that I could potentially spend the
rest of my life with. I have several loans in my name that will all add up
to a beautiful sum the second I am out of school for a certain period of time.
I have three semesters left of my undergraduate education before I'm twenty-two
and thrust into the world. I'm learning to manage my little bit of money while not working
due to 18 units of non-stop homework {to those of you who do both and beyond--like my boyfriend--bless your souls, you amazing individuals}.

There's obviously a laundry list of things that make me more grown-up than I was
as an eighteen year old walking across a stage at high school graduation.

But the irony in this is that I feel younger than before,
though time seems to slip quicker each day.

I don't know how to pay bills, or how to change a tire on my car.
I don't know how to file taxes because I've never had to.
I don't know how to cook anything but pasta and chicken,
and I am terrified of car washes.

I can't sleep alone without most of the lights on,
and I have irrational fears of snakes, stomach aches, and getting arrested.

I am selfish, and stubborn and I need to seriously wash out my mouth.
I am literally one of the most immature people I have ever known,

and I think that I might be getting worse with age.

So I seem to be in a decline of maturity while the world around me
speeds up, and steps up its game.

No one told me, going into my twenties,
that sometimes you need to take the hour in between
classes to drive home and cry in the shower for twenty minutes.

No one ever said that college would be this fast.

No one told me that I would accumulate as many roommates as
I have, and that living with people would be this interesting.

No one said that money would feel extremely important,
but I'm glad that they told me it isn't.

It was never explained to me that coming home would feel so good,
and that old friends could last forever -- if forever is three years into college, at least.

I didn't realize that this stage in life would come so fast.
Before I know it, I will be a senior.
Then a twenty-two year old with a degree in English and a minor in Bible and theology.
I didn't know that either of those would be on my diploma.

Most of all, I didn't know that finding yourself would come in waves.

I can feel it in my bones that the next twelve to twenty-four months will bring so much change.
I know that that's quite a leap into the future, but bear with me.

I want to remember who I am in this moment in time.
The girl who has the dreams -- the seemingly unstoppable dreams.
Can I tell you a secret?
These dreams are the closest things to my heart, aside from Jesus.
They really, truly are.
I have nurtured and grown these dreams since I was young.
Some days I have cried, feeling as though the world was slipping by so
quickly that my goals would slip along with it.

I have three M's that I want in life.
And I cannot recall for the life of me if I have ever shared these
with anyone, but here it goes.

Ultimately, I want marriage, motherhood, and a mission field.

What those look like, and whatever order they come in is up to God's plans.
I've certainly learned my share about how human plans compare to divine plans.

So, I've decided to officially stop the planning in my head.
I have to. I am currently so caught up in what the future could look like
that I can't focus on what is happening right now, before me.

Instead, I want to state my simple list of goals.
Goals that don't have to be according to the plan to happen.
And goals that don't have to feel like the end of the world when they
turn out to be exempt from the plan.

They're plans for my single-girl self.
{and I say single meaning, "not married"}

These are the plans I hope to aim towards for myself
as I enter into wedding-age territory.

1. Live abroad. Study abroad. Adventure abroad. It is so right with my soul to know that leaving the country on an adventure -- especially before graduation -- is what this girl needs. It is a dream that I am determined to live out.

2. To stay out past two a.m. somewhere, with whomever -- depending on what the scenario provides me with.

3. Learn to find a daily Bible and prayer time that works.

4. Intern somewhere that gives me no money, but all of the experience and humility I need.

5. Live in San Francisco. Other than studying abroad, this is a major college dream. I don't care that I'll scrape by and live off of ramen. I am determined to live in my favorite city in this world.

6. Buy a cat. Seriously. Wednesday has been the cat that I've always wanted and I am determined to meet her some day.

7. To learn to say yes to whatever it is that I need to say yes to. I say no, a lot. It's not only a control thing, but it's an insecurity thing. I've been called out on this a time or two, and the truth of it hurts my ears and heart. Once, I was told: "You'll never be happy because..." and another time, "You never say yes because you wait for something better to come along." The ending to the first statement and the entirety of the second statement are both entirely true. So, I need to learn a little three letter word. I don't know what the context will be when I say it, but I know I'll have little to lose.

8. Have as many meaningful conversations as I can.

9. Learn how to be quiet and content. I can't stay indoors all day. I can't lay on a couch between the hours of 1:00 p.m. and 8:00 p.m. Sunday-Thursday for OCD reasons I don't even want to get into. I can't stop being "busy" and it is exhausting. I need to conquer my fear of an actual sabbath and just relax.

10. Let go, and write more. Both of these have a deeper meaning in my mind, and I'm growing too tired to elaborate.

Anyway, I encourage people to make lists. Lists for literal things and lists for hopes.
I have so much hope welled up inside of me that sometimes I feel as though I might burst.

I'm at a point in my life where adventures need to be chosen more rationally.
Sometimes I feel trapped, and I want to get myself out of absolutely everything and start
my entire college experience over. Other times I look out into the future, with all of the potential,
and I am so beyond stoked that I can hardly wait.

These are the ramblings of my twenty-year old self at an odd hour in the evening.

Happy Sunday, everyone.

p.s. aside from dreams about reddish hair, i have also been so tempted to chop it off. swooning over short hair lately because my hair doesn't grow to sexy-beachy-wavy lengths and leaves me feeling plain.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

As of late.

i have been m.i.a...possibly worse than ever before.
i've had a big decline in readership numbers but, hey, i'm a busy girl
and i'm learning a lot about privacy.

i used to be able to write just about anything on here before
learning to keep most secrets to myself.

i don't know what happened, but it is definitely a new year's resolution for me to write on here more because i miss the day to day journaling. and i miss the documentation i have from the past two or so years.

anyway, because tumblr and pinterest have already occupied much of today's time, i decided to check blogger. although i haven't been writing, i have been constantly looking at inspiring things on the glorious internet.

-if you guys want to look at beautiful, feminine lingerie, go here. there are so many yellow pieces that i am obsessed with *sigh at college broke girl problems*

-if you want to look at simple, chic street style pictures, type in "normcore" on your pinterest account because oh my god i want to try this style SO BADLY. does it count if i bought new balance shoes like two years ago? i think so ;)

{p.s. they're yellow too...}

-lorde's new song, yellow flicker beat, has been on repeat over here in my ears. i seriously can't get enough.

- ....and...because i listen to lorde, i was introduced to majical cloudz. go listen to them too. seriously. especially if you're okay with somber music and clever lyrics. when i saw them perform i didn't know what to think, but they've totally grown on me.

-i'm thinking of dying my hair this color again. change, ya know? today i saw a model with a similar color and i got all of the reminiscing feels.

-LASTLY, i have been looking for these boots. can you say fall weather forever?!? i can. especially with these boots.