Sunday, November 9, 2014

Exactly seven months into my twenties (while it's still 11:53 on November 8th)

I have been twenty years old for more than half a year now.
I don't feel twenty - ever.

Coming out of high school, I blogged so much about feeling old.
And, at the time, I was dealing with such immature, heavy situations
that it was the tiredness and the weight that was making me feel old.

Now I'm dealing with more mature situations like trying to maintain
an intentional relationship with a man that I could potentially spend the
rest of my life with. I have several loans in my name that will all add up
to a beautiful sum the second I am out of school for a certain period of time.
I have three semesters left of my undergraduate education before I'm twenty-two
and thrust into the world. I'm learning to manage my little bit of money while not working
due to 18 units of non-stop homework {to those of you who do both and beyond--like my boyfriend--bless your souls, you amazing individuals}.

There's obviously a laundry list of things that make me more grown-up than I was
as an eighteen year old walking across a stage at high school graduation.

But the irony in this is that I feel younger than before,
though time seems to slip quicker each day.

I don't know how to pay bills, or how to change a tire on my car.
I don't know how to file taxes because I've never had to.
I don't know how to cook anything but pasta and chicken,
and I am terrified of car washes.

I can't sleep alone without most of the lights on,
and I have irrational fears of snakes, stomach aches, and getting arrested.

I am selfish, and stubborn and I need to seriously wash out my mouth.
I am literally one of the most immature people I have ever known,

and I think that I might be getting worse with age.

So I seem to be in a decline of maturity while the world around me
speeds up, and steps up its game.

No one told me, going into my twenties,
that sometimes you need to take the hour in between
classes to drive home and cry in the shower for twenty minutes.

No one ever said that college would be this fast.

No one told me that I would accumulate as many roommates as
I have, and that living with people would be this interesting.

No one said that money would feel extremely important,
but I'm glad that they told me it isn't.

It was never explained to me that coming home would feel so good,
and that old friends could last forever -- if forever is three years into college, at least.

I didn't realize that this stage in life would come so fast.
Before I know it, I will be a senior.
Then a twenty-two year old with a degree in English and a minor in Bible and theology.
I didn't know that either of those would be on my diploma.

Most of all, I didn't know that finding yourself would come in waves.

I can feel it in my bones that the next twelve to twenty-four months will bring so much change.
I know that that's quite a leap into the future, but bear with me.

I want to remember who I am in this moment in time.
The girl who has the dreams -- the seemingly unstoppable dreams.
Can I tell you a secret?
These dreams are the closest things to my heart, aside from Jesus.
They really, truly are.
I have nurtured and grown these dreams since I was young.
Some days I have cried, feeling as though the world was slipping by so
quickly that my goals would slip along with it.

I have three M's that I want in life.
And I cannot recall for the life of me if I have ever shared these
with anyone, but here it goes.

Ultimately, I want marriage, motherhood, and a mission field.

What those look like, and whatever order they come in is up to God's plans.
I've certainly learned my share about how human plans compare to divine plans.

So, I've decided to officially stop the planning in my head.
I have to. I am currently so caught up in what the future could look like
that I can't focus on what is happening right now, before me.

Instead, I want to state my simple list of goals.
Goals that don't have to be according to the plan to happen.
And goals that don't have to feel like the end of the world when they
turn out to be exempt from the plan.

They're plans for my single-girl self.
{and I say single meaning, "not married"}

These are the plans I hope to aim towards for myself
as I enter into wedding-age territory.

1. Live abroad. Study abroad. Adventure abroad. It is so right with my soul to know that leaving the country on an adventure -- especially before graduation -- is what this girl needs. It is a dream that I am determined to live out.

2. To stay out past two a.m. somewhere, with whomever -- depending on what the scenario provides me with.

3. Learn to find a daily Bible and prayer time that works.

4. Intern somewhere that gives me no money, but all of the experience and humility I need.

5. Live in San Francisco. Other than studying abroad, this is a major college dream. I don't care that I'll scrape by and live off of ramen. I am determined to live in my favorite city in this world.

6. Buy a cat. Seriously. Wednesday has been the cat that I've always wanted and I am determined to meet her some day.

7. To learn to say yes to whatever it is that I need to say yes to. I say no, a lot. It's not only a control thing, but it's an insecurity thing. I've been called out on this a time or two, and the truth of it hurts my ears and heart. Once, I was told: "You'll never be happy because..." and another time, "You never say yes because you wait for something better to come along." The ending to the first statement and the entirety of the second statement are both entirely true. So, I need to learn a little three letter word. I don't know what the context will be when I say it, but I know I'll have little to lose.

8. Have as many meaningful conversations as I can.

9. Learn how to be quiet and content. I can't stay indoors all day. I can't lay on a couch between the hours of 1:00 p.m. and 8:00 p.m. Sunday-Thursday for OCD reasons I don't even want to get into. I can't stop being "busy" and it is exhausting. I need to conquer my fear of an actual sabbath and just relax.

10. Let go, and write more. Both of these have a deeper meaning in my mind, and I'm growing too tired to elaborate.

Anyway, I encourage people to make lists. Lists for literal things and lists for hopes.
I have so much hope welled up inside of me that sometimes I feel as though I might burst.

I'm at a point in my life where adventures need to be chosen more rationally.
Sometimes I feel trapped, and I want to get myself out of absolutely everything and start
my entire college experience over. Other times I look out into the future, with all of the potential,
and I am so beyond stoked that I can hardly wait.

These are the ramblings of my twenty-year old self at an odd hour in the evening.

Happy Sunday, everyone.

p.s. aside from dreams about reddish hair, i have also been so tempted to chop it off. swooning over short hair lately because my hair doesn't grow to sexy-beachy-wavy lengths and leaves me feeling plain.

1 comment:

  1. uGH I am OBSESSED with this. You are such an amazing human being, inside and out, and I have no doubt that you will get to accomplish all of your dreams and more. I love you! And I want to FaceTime you sometime soon. :)