Friday, December 12, 2014

a confession of a flaw.

my current roommate is graduating -- therefore she is moving out.

it's weird because when i moved in she had already been here for a few weeks,
and she had filled the wall with decor galore.

now everything is gone and it's back to the drawing board yet again.

her style is nothing like my style, but this place felt like a home nonetheless.
now the room feels like a hotel room -- because it is one, i live in a hotel.

it's sterile and un-styled - and i want to fill the walls and stack the tables.

i don't know whether or not i'll get a roommate.
i had hoped for one -- but now -- here's my flaw -- i don't want one.

do you know why?

because i don't know how i feel regarding welcoming another person into my life.

there, i said it.

is it fair to say that i am through with roommates and living with strangers?
i've gone through seven roommates over the past two and a half years.
i have horror stories and stories of strong friendship.

but i'm done.

now, don't get me wrong, i am not all that thrilled to make this particular place feel like home.

but i certainly don't want to make this place feel like home with the knowledge that such a small little space will be someone else's home.

and then there's the selfish aspect of me that says i should claim all the space prior to this new girl's presence.

and then there's the little voice inside my head telling me to not get ahead of myself.

and yet.

i'm done with room sharing,
schedule conflict,
bedtime planning,
new smells,
awkward conversations before bed,
and friend sharing.

i sound awful and ungrateful -- because people also have to be my roommate,
so i know that this whole thing is two-sided, but still.

this will be the second person i've welcomed into my space, my home.
the first and only time went so well.
it couldn't possibly be repeated, could it?

i just want a beautiful home,
and i don't want that home to be under the rules
of a hotel.
nor do i want sandy colored walls and thickly printed curtains and furniture.

there's my rant of my major first world problem
and my little flaw regarding people.

i love people, trust me.
but does anyone else agree with me that
living with someone is so challenging and frightening?

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