Thursday, January 1, 2015

a god-honest truth and a happy new year

two days ago i told boyfriend something that i had been thinking for a bit of time.
it's something that every body asks about when you've been dating for a while,
and it's a question that i typically answered with sarcasm and skepticism.

my words tend to contradict my heart.
somewhere along the lines in two thousand fourteen i mastered the
art of dishonesty yet again.

i learned how to be one person while portraying another --
and this usually came in the form of me acting much tougher and far
more brazen than i am inside.

i'm not trying to say that i've been living the life of a major liar,
all i mean is that i have deprived myself {even those around me}
of saying how i feel, in a way that is truest to who i am.

i know that if and when people do look at me intently, they see through
it all.

and i tend to warn people that i am entirely immature.

but still, all last year i know that i went further into a pattern of
just playing up my persona that didn't resemble the persona i wish for myself.

i'm far more softer, sensitive, broken, strong, naive, inexperienced, and concerned for others
than i oftentimes choose to exhibit.

i've been this way with boyfriend.
and with the answers to "that" question.

but between he and i--and between you and i {if you're at all catching on to what i'm saying}--
i was finally honest about that answer.
and i told him that i want to leave the past officially in the past, and no longer allow it to hinder
me in the relationship he and i have.

he and i agree that as great as it is to aim towards a future that is filled with intention, it is even more crucial to be in the present and to be concerned about how intentional, concerned and aware we are currently being.

we agreed that our plans can always change and that hurt is a possibility, but that leaping into hoping and praying and feeling the happiness that comes with the next step in our relationship is the best thing.

so, rather than protecting myself with sarcasm and doubt and "maybe's" and eye-rolls and the whole annoying-tough-girl-act, i'm just going to let the final wall{s} down, once and for all -- fingers crossed!

it is a god-honest truth that i am an honest person who just hasn't been entirely true and honoring to self about what she wants in life.

and the greatest part?
after being honest to boyfriend, i didn't hear alarms and warnings in my head like last time.
in fact, boyfriend happened to write be three hundred and sixty-five things {two of which i've already read...oops, sorry, boyfriend} that have confirmed and awed me and my decision to give him my heart fully.

today has been the simplest, happiest new years day i have ever had.

happy new year.


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