Tuesday, January 20, 2015

a mirror moment

i overheard someone say something about me just a while ago.
it wasn't anything bad -- but it was the truth, so it stung a bit.

and there was no animosity behind it, i know that full well.
though i couldn't help but feel my eyes well up as the truth of the
words poured over and over in my mind and through my ears.

it was one of those mirror moments when you see yourself
reflected in someone else, in the way that they regard you.

and it totally sucks.
it makes you feel like a whole lot of shit,
and it makes you overanalyze everything about yourself -- which is both
good and bad {not the feeling like shit part, but the analyzing part}.

for my first two years of college i struggled with being alone in a room with myself
for more than an hour.
in oregon, i spent my money buying tea from multiple coffee shops
and make-up and snacks from walgreens just to waste the time.

in orange county i used to waste my gas taking long roads home,
or spend my time {multiple times a week} walking through malls and buying
clothing that i wouldn't even end up wearing.

i literally couldn't stand the thought of being alone in my room because
i couldn't bring myself to face the way i felt about myself.

i could blame it on a past relationship and how it left me feeling hollow in oregon.
i could even blame it on the ways that friends were either brutal with their words or absent
from the friendship.

but those excuses don't suffice because words are words and people are people, and you've just got to learn to replace the words and make more friends -- doing what needs to be done to get through happily.

last semester i had to face myself once again.
the first night here i couldn't stand the silence but i knew it could work itself out -- maybe.
i freaked out by morning and drove home.
it would take several meltdowns and refusals to return to school before i stopped
crying each time i left home.

i was so terrified of being alone.

and then, something amazing happened.
i slept well every single night i was here.
my anxiety plummeted,
and -- what's more -- i learned the art of being alone.
no tv noise. no music. no people -- just solidarity at it's purest.

and doing so was the biggest struggle.
i learned to see my single reflection in the windows when it was dark
and my roommate was gone for the night, and actually basked in my new found ability.

i no longer dreaded sleep.
i hadn't relied on sleeping aids to find that peace.
and i didn't feel like the rest of the world was having fun without me.


however, it's been a full week now of being back and something is up,
and the lonesomeness isn't knocking like it used to but there remains a tinge
of discomfort in the way i feel i'm in the way.

the way my acceptance of solitude seems to feel strange when i accept it in front of others:
my willingness to come home in the evenings and be content with staying in and not feeling like
i need to buy something, or drive somewhere, or find someone to make my discomforts ease for a limited time.

i'm kind of pissed about it.

but i'm also asking god if he's trying to teach me something else.

he once told me that he was getting me away for a while so that he could
draw nearer to me, and i to him.
i can recall feeling the pain of knowing that he was bringing me into a sort of isolation.

but now, it's as though he's pulling me out of that and into something far more uncomfortable -- and hearing someone call me for what i am, in such a brief amount of words, really hit me.

a mirror kind of hit.

i'm desperately trying to be the best version of myself.
more selfless, more flexible, more grateful, more filtered, more christ-like.
but it doesn't feel to be working.

and i'm kind of pissed about that, too.
but when am i not telling god that i'm pissed about what he's doing?

{for real, though, i only tell him sometimes and it's usually when i'm
being more dramatic than usual. but i do enjoy expressing even my ugliest
emotions to him because he's a big god, he can take it}

here's to change and growing up, and letting god stretch you.
he's so wonderful but stretching isn't! haha

happy tuesday!

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