Monday, January 19, 2015

life & love and the art of loving and leaving for self.

i had one of those blast-from-the-past moments last night
when a friend of mine from oregon contacted me to tell me
two things: one of which constituted as a past blast.

this post is a letter to all of the girls who read this blog --
on the importance of staying true to self, saying what you need to say, and knocking and shutting the doors when you please.

from, a girl who shut the door and did indeed find love eventually.


when i left oregon i left on what i always called "an award note" with a guy that i had liked for
a majority of the school year.

for two years i have never known what -- if anything -- he thought about the situation. but, eighteen months into a relationship and it's safe to say i haven't cared about the circumstance since boyfriend walked into my life.

but life is a funny thing.
and choices are funny, fickle little {HUGE} things.

when i left oregon i felt i had so many reasons to pack up and say goodbye.
there was only one thing that really made me question my then-impending transfer:

a boy.

i can recall the numerous times i told my mom and my friends:
if he'd ask, i'd stay. i'd live in oregon again.

i meant it -- at the time.
but he played games,
and, according to him, i played games that he
just couldn't play along to,
and i gave off signs that he just couldn't read.
and -- also -- i'm complicated
but i've always known this.

the truth is, sometimes someone will feel so right for you --
yes you, all single girls and taken girls.
sometimes he'll be smooth
or clever
or witty
or charming
or brainy
or funny
or musical
or athletic
or godly
or not,
and you'll fall for all of it.
i did.

every last bit of it --
bullshit and all,
sincerity and all.
it'll just happen.

and then, one day -- perhaps --, you'll come to a fork in the road
where neither decision seems wrong but you know that neither
will end up anything like the other -- and that, if they're not wrong,
then perhaps you're missing out on something a hell of a lot better than the next.

the truth?

you're not.

when i left oregon, i was at a fork.
not just with the guy who -- what felt like -- had my heart.
i was at a fork in the road with myself entirely, and he just happened
to be another type of choice that felt like my whole life depended upon it.
i severally questioned whether or not leaving oregon meant leaving someone,
not just him, that i was meant to marry.
i battled the questions:

does he like me?
does he not like me?
is he "the one"? -- as so many people ask at these christian universities.
is someone else "the one"?

i got my answer the day i left the state.
the day i wandered around outside, in between loading my car,
waiting to see if he'd see me leave, and whether or not he'd care.

i honestly can't remember whether i saw him that day or not.
it was one of those days that was significant only in that afternoon,
but never again afterwards.

i fell in love just months later and that was that.

so -- almost two years later and -- one of those friends i once vented to contacted me yesterday with
"a funny story" of how he had told her in the car that he and i left off on one of those
"awkward notes." in her words, he kind of laughed at the fact that he "lost a shot" with potentially dating me.

i laughed too, when she told me, because it reminded me at the humor of timing of life.
he missed nothing -- in fact, he gained a million shots by not having one with me.

i used to be so incredibly caught up in the idea of "the one" that i scrutinized and tested, even pushed away, so many guys that were/are great -- all because i didn't know whether they were "the one" or "right for me."

but do you know what?
i've come to believe that there are no soul mates, no "the one's," no "meant to be's."

and before you call me a pessimist, hear me out.
i believe that there exists what "is."
if something is, it is.

sure, decisions in life are crucial because they determine everything -- even the most minuscule of things. but, trust me when i say that leaving a state feeling like you're leaving behind the greatest guy ever has little to no validity in it.

because if he was so great for you then he would have told you so himself.
and if you were able to know that in full truth, then perhaps you never would have left.

there might be a million forks in the road in your life -- maybe there'll only ever be just one.

but believe me when i say that love and a best friendship exists with and beyond what might be before you.

life is funny for me because i've lived in two states,
gone to three universities,
and had three {four if you count what happened at home, prior to college}
opportunities to change my life and choose the other sides of the forks in the road.

but, with all apprehension, i kept choosing for me and not for the guys who either had it all or seemed to have it all.
and my life changed -- for the better.

i didn't miss out on "the one" --
i actually found someone who very well might be "my one"
and i love him for it.

it's scary to be in love or to want love, and to feel like your entire life depends on that one person and whether or not they reciprocate everything you're feeling.

the reality is that it's got to come from you -- mostly god -- but from you is good, too.
you've got to use your voice and talk your self through it
and say all the things that they say you're not suppose to say.

when i learned to get better at just accepting the way people acted towards me,
and when i learned to act on behalf of myself and not other people,
and when i started to lack the filter on my mouth,
i began to learn that my difficult choices weren't cutting up my life, they were crafting it.

oregon crafted me in so many ways.

when i left newberg on that sunny afternoon i hoped and looked and hoped that he would stop
me in my tracks {what, was i living in a move? haha}
and he didn't.

and as funny as it is to look back at yourself and think well isn't life funny when you know the other side of things?
i also see it all as a blessing.

saying no.
having no said to you.
feeling the pangs of heartache.
feeling uncomfortable, and irrational.
saying things that sound a little crazy.
and maybe feeling like love might not happen,
are all things that indicate that you're searching for it, and that you're
doing so in your way and in life's time.

when i went along with life's time, i found someone who wasn't up for games, either.
in fact, he wasn't even up for even allowing me to play games around him.
he still isn't.

and that's why i've stayed.
even when i haven't been sure if we're "meant to be"
i've learned to stay for me and for him.
i've learned to say everything that needs to be said for me,
and i've spoken up for myself at the forks in the road.

and sometimes you've got to shut some doors and walk out others.
and sometimes you don't have to knock at the door to find your best friend.
sometimes, he's already knocking.
you've just got to answer.

and, perhaps, it's love.
goodness, i hope it's love.
because it's wondrous when it's found.


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