Sunday, March 22, 2015

thoughts.

sometimes, sometimes i think so intently about the future
that my eyes well with tears.

this doesn't happen because i am happy (and, no, i am not sad, either).
it's just that i feel i want to cry due to the pressure of the thoughts --
the squeezing, oozing way that the future is daunting.

so all of the anxiety is squeezed down from my brain and out of my eyes --
water trying to wash away impossible thoughts.
too vivid, perhaps? but so true, i think.


i want to write something so terribly.
i don't feel i have any right to call myself a writer,
for fear of failure -- though, more so fear of hypocrisy.
anyone can claim to be a writer -- but it takes a true writer
to put pen to paper, and to bleed and to cry and to sweat.
i don't think i do those -- and, when i have, it isn't done well enough.

but i want to write. sometimes more than i want anything else in the world.

i also want recognition -- but humility is more along the lines of my personality (i'd like to think).
i also remember that my life is not my own -- therefore, success would never truly be mine.
a selfless-act-of-a-life-lived-for-god is quite a life, let me tell you.


then i think about a phd.
i hate so many aspects of undergrad, so it feels silly to long for a doctoral degree.
if i could be in class all of the time throughout my semesters, i would be so happy, though.
i just want to devour as many texts and ideas as i can.

my brain is so filled to the brim every single day: of stories and words and memories and anticipation. i wish i could talk about them over coffee at the end of each day, just so that i could better process, and even share.


i want so many successes.
it sounds so selfish to say.
i am procrastinating so much, currently --
but even this feels abnormally okay.

maybe my little break this weekend is allowing me to breath.
maybe the breathing -- the act of coming back to my own thoughts,
and not just thoughts of academia -- is exactly what i need.


today i fell in love with boyfriend all over again.
he has the most perfect green eyes.
and the warmest hands.
and the best laugh.

this weekend i indulged in films i had wanted to see.
i read several books, and loved each one.
for a moment i tried my hand at something creative, and then i let it sit.

and now -- now i will find some rest and let tomorrow worry about itself.

rest really is quite something.
so is anxiety and being fidgety.
i know those two so well.

but, i'll be dammed if i didn't say that being a student is so rewardingly exhausting.

Monday, March 16, 2015

should be studying. thinking of shoes instead!


these free people shoes scream summer, no?



and then these madewells are just the perfect sunday, summer shoe. or even a good date night shoe!

and then can we talk about these three shoes that i tried at cathy jean and basically freaked out over - but you know, had to remind myself that my bank account isn't a tree growing money?!
but like...how AWESOME are these shoes?! i don't even know how i'd pick a pair...




and then...dun dun dun...yes, i'm going there with my taste in shoes {who would have thought?!}
i think i maaaaaybe want these {even though in berkeley this past weekend i told boyfriend, "i like them! i like them!"}


but to end this little shoe craze for reals...these BEAUTS have been on my radar for forever already. i promise myself that i will invest in a pair of pretty shoes at some point this year! i like this color, but perhaps a clog in the color yellow...perhaps even in a different style would work. i suppose i'd just have to try first! a san francisco store, mill mercantile, sells sven's product, but at the moment i don't believe they have them in season.




the end.