sometimes, sometimes i think so intently about the future
that my eyes well with tears.
this doesn't happen because i am happy (and, no, i am not sad, either).
it's just that i feel i want to cry due to the pressure of the thoughts --
the squeezing, oozing way that the future is daunting.
so all of the anxiety is squeezed down from my brain and out of my eyes --
water trying to wash away impossible thoughts.
too vivid, perhaps? but so true, i think.
i want to write something so terribly.
i don't feel i have any right to call myself a writer,
for fear of failure -- though, more so fear of hypocrisy.
anyone can claim to be a writer -- but it takes a true writer
to put pen to paper, and to bleed and to cry and to sweat.
i don't think i do those -- and, when i have, it isn't done well enough.
but i want to write. sometimes more than i want anything else in the world.
i also want recognition -- but humility is more along the lines of my personality (i'd like to think).
i also remember that my life is not my own -- therefore, success would never truly be mine.
a selfless-act-of-a-life-lived-for-god is quite a life, let me tell you.
then i think about a phd.
i hate so many aspects of undergrad, so it feels silly to long for a doctoral degree.
if i could be in class all of the time throughout my semesters, i would be so happy, though.
i just want to devour as many texts and ideas as i can.
my brain is so filled to the brim every single day: of stories and words and memories and anticipation. i wish i could talk about them over coffee at the end of each day, just so that i could better process, and even share.
i want so many successes.
it sounds so selfish to say.
i am procrastinating so much, currently --
but even this feels abnormally okay.
maybe my little break this weekend is allowing me to breath.
maybe the breathing -- the act of coming back to my own thoughts,
and not just thoughts of academia -- is exactly what i need.
today i fell in love with boyfriend all over again.
he has the most perfect green eyes.
and the warmest hands.
and the best laugh.
this weekend i indulged in films i had wanted to see.
i read several books, and loved each one.
for a moment i tried my hand at something creative, and then i let it sit.
and now -- now i will find some rest and let tomorrow worry about itself.
rest really is quite something.
so is anxiety and being fidgety.
i know those two so well.
but, i'll be dammed if i didn't say that being a student is so rewardingly exhausting.