Thursday, April 16, 2015

clean.

Let's talk about redemption,
because don't we all need a little bit of that?

On Tuesday, Berkeley Boy and I had a bit of a rough day just relationally.
It was all on me -- not that he's perfect, but more that my flaws way outnumber his ;)
And, I'm difficult.
And, I've had so much anger lately.

So, for those of you who are reading: Here is your warning to quit reading now. Close the tab, walk away, forget I ever started to say anything to you.




I have had so much anger lately -- particularly in the past two weeks, but the entirety of "lately" began past my recollections.

I'd say that my biggest insecurity is the feeling of being unwanted.
I feel vulnerable when I feel unwanted,
I feel scummy and judged and alienated.

I like to feel that I have a place (don't we all?).

But, so much of the time, I am accused of seeming:
1. Overconfident
2. Not needy.

The combination of the two, I'll admit, seems to concoct my exact insecurity, except exercised towards others.

However, I'll remain quiet and (seemingly) "confident," all the while, in my head, I'm wondering if you like me or if you feel obligated to be with me or talk to me; I'll feel the need to dismiss myself so that I don't overstay my welcome and inconveinance you; or, I will become so narcissistc and SELF-deprecating that (in my mind) I'll tell myself all the things you supposedly feel about me, and then I'll just excuse myself from the relationship so that you don't have to...

Wow, that was a lot of words.
And, I sound like a crazy person.
But -- I recognize that these are not only selfish, self-centered thoughts, but they're also lies.

And, I have been angry about these lies.

In the past two weeks the lies and the anger has escalated as,
not just one, but four to five relationships of mine have declined and inflicted wounds.

And, I'm not writing about this to be negative (because I've been accused of that), but what I
want you guys to know is that it's okay.

And, yeah, people tend to say that often, I know.
But really, IT'S OKAY. OK?

There are many things that are okay!
And this isn't to make everything relative
(CS Lewis class is teaching me all about the dangers of relativity let me tell you...or not...!).
Rather, this is to just say that it is A-OKAY TO JUST BE YOU.

For real.

1. Don't apologize for gifts and talents. Those are YOUR God-given rights, and you should not apologize for them. People are unique for a reason -- someone is always going to be better than you and someone is always going to be worse. That's life. And whether you're best or worst does not determine your worth, but it will always indicate where you are at you're finest -- but only if you get over yourself and your pity and you strive to find what the faults point towards.

2. Just as with talents, there will always be "the prettier girl in the room" BUT WHO CARES? If you can look yourself in the mirror and find your confidence somewhere in yourself then that is BEAUTIFUL. We girls are mean -- not just to each other, but to ourselves. Next time you walk into a room, tell yourself that you ARE beautiful. And start believing it, because I'm telling you that there's nothing truer than that.

3. Learn to accept apologies. People are going to hurl insults at you, people are going to feel let down by you, and the shit of life is going to hit the fan. JUST LEARN TO LISTEN. Sit there and listen, even when you want to be quick to the defensive. Listen, and find the strength to accept an apology. This doesn't mean that you'll forget the transgression immediately, but as long as you do not wallow in it, you will move on -- and, you might never forget, but superseding wallowing thoughts with good thoughts will help you move on.

4. Jealousy is the most poisonous thing. I've dealt with it. I've seen people struggle with it. It's ugly, it's vicious, and it totally brings out the worst in people. Keep yourself from jealousy, as best as you can. Remember my first two points the next time you feel envious. Because jealousy will first rob you of your joy of others and then it will rob you of the ability to find joy within yourself.

5. Discover who you are and let yourself change -- and, AGAIN, don't apologize for changing. Don't apologize when people feel that they're not on the same page as you. Don't apologize (ok, maybe on the outside you can apologize but on the inside just keep your momentum) when people feel like they don't know how to act around the new you. JUST KEEP THAT SPRING IN YOUR STEP. That is just a mere indication that they're too consumed in what you're doing -- and, unless you're endangering yourself or others, and as long as you're changing in the healthiest way, then keep going and don't stop. There will always be people who don't want you to succeed, and, you know? Screw 'em.

6. DREAM BIG. And I mean HUGE. Dream the big dreams and dream the small dreams. Change your mind. But find your passions, hone them in, and they will make you a better person. I recently had someone ask if I still had the same dream because it sounded like I had a whole lot of ideas going on in my head. And, yeah, that same dream is there -- but the dream is just bigger, there are more possibilities, and it makes me so passionate that I want more of it and I want to approach it any way I can. Don't ever feel like you can't talk about your dreams because people don't understand or people don't take you seriously -- dreamers are a special breed of people. Anyone can be a dreamer but not everyone makes it happen. Don't let them make you think that it can't happen in your life! And ignore, be kind, repeat when others become so consumed in what you're doing that they learn to hate what they're supposed to be doing.

7. Do the small things, even if they're a pain. Work the shitty job. Put up with the shitty situation. NEARLY KILL YOURSELF WITH UNDERGRAD BRAIN OVERLOAD. Do all the steps necessary to getting to that dream, and, once again, don't let the haters kill your momentum. (Did I just say haters? Wut.)

8. Find God in all of this. Find Him in your passions -- HE'S THE FREAKING SOURCE OF YOUR PASSIONS (which is so cool!). Find Him when the shit hits the fan, and not because He's good at cleaning up the mess but because you want Him around even after the mess is cleaned and you're feeling on your feet again. Find Him in the mundane. He thrives in the mundane! Find Him as you change, if you ask Him to change you then you're guaranteed to change for the better. Find Him in all that insecurity and anger and in the trials. He's there. He's dying to walk with you. He literally died so that He could walk with you! Like, how unconditional is that?!

9. Don't ever let anyone make your faith seem small, or lesser than, or irrelevant. I hate can't deal with (I'm learning not to use the word "hate") self righteous people. Especially the kind that make you feel like they do God a whole lot better. Prayer and reading your Bible and worship are all WONDERFUL, but so is community (a HEALTHY community) and accountability and self-reflection and morality. But, what's super important to remember is that you're going to screw up. You're going to screw yourself and others over really bad. And that's okay. I mean, it isn't okay, but it's going to happen and you're going to need God. He's going to love you in spite of things (which isn't a free pass to sin whenever). Don't let people make you feel like you're a screw up, even if you are. It's not their place, and, chances are they're screwing up even bigger (but don't throw that little fun-fact in their face because it might not go over well) or they're insecure. Just keeping finding your faith. And don't just find it through one way of worship. Find it with others, especially accountable others. Find it in various forms of worship and in sacrifice. Ultimately, find it in relationship with God. He will get you through the trials and he will highlight your gifts and talents when it is your time to succeed.

10. Go out there and kill it. Whatever it is. Be bold. Don't fall into the trap or relativity and self-centeredness, or addiction or envy or hatred, or whatever it is.

And, when you do -- because chances are you will, seek that way out and don't stop seeking Him.

I have been so angry at the way important people in my life have treated me in the past two weeks. I'm hurt and broken about it. And sometimes you need to allow yourself a day to grieve what it is you're feeling. But forgiveness is forgiveness, and anything other than that will be a hindrance.

I mostly wrote this for myself, to pull myself out of this icky feeling of un-wantedness or screw-up-ness or negativity...but, maybe one of you needed this too? I'm no expert. I'm just watching all that shit fly. It's gloriously human. But even more glorious is the redemption aspect. Being clean even when you're covered in life's shit.

Which, is a great (classy) visual, right?

(Sorry, Mom)

xoxo

-M


p.s.


11. DON'T EVER LET SOMEONE DEMEAN YOUR WORDS. For real, as a writer, it's a super personal topic for me. Writing is so so much. If this is your art form, don't let anyone resent you for it or talk you down from your usage of it. Writing is beautiful and freeing. Just keep speaking. Even if you're not a "Writer." Use those words and build yourself up.

2 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Ah, You read it before I made all my corrections!!! ahaha But thanks :)

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