Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Why I haven't yet left the country.

I went off of Instagram {well, I deleted my app} back in April when I had the sinking feeling that
everyone {and by 'everyone' I mean an exaggeration....} was going abroad this summer.

I knew that in my heart I longed to breathe in some new air. See new faces. Hear a tongue I know nothing of. Taste new food. Minimize my life to a bag and board a plane/train/bus towards the unknown. Feel the unnerving pangs of change.

And I didn't want to watch as people posted about it for four months.
{And for a few of my good friends who are abroad/preparing to go abroad, this post
is in no way reference to you.}

Anyway, one of my downfalls is that I am always craving something new. By now, boyfriend and I have been together for about two years, so we're well past the stage of finding every little thing about one another endearing; so I'm sure that this craving of mine has certainly gone from an interesting aspect about the girl he loves, to a nuisance.

But for some reason he just keeps loving me, and that's why I keep him around ;)

He listens to these desires of my heart.
He reads every text or link that I send him impulsively
like a warning of "I STILL WANT TO SEE THIS PLACE OR LIVE HERE OR SERVE HERE OR GET LOST THERE. DON'T FORGET. OK? OK???"

Because internally I weekly--seriously--have this mini inner panic attack when I look around me
and I'M STILL IN THE STATES. Don't get me wrong, I love my home and the people in it so very much, but I am always trying to stretch.

When I returned from Romania and Moldova, the nanny job I had was potentially going to take me to Alaska and then to Brazil.

Then, the school I was going to enter into had a program that could take me to thirteen countries over the course of about five months -- that is one of the primary reasons I chose the school.

Then, I learned of opportunities of teaching abroad.

And when I changed schools again, the chance to possibly go to the Middle East presented itself, twice.

When I initially returned from Europe two summers ago, my brain was constantly calculating the amount of places I could see in my last three years of university.

Nothing was going to stand in my way.

But as easily as I cracked doors open, God kindly closed them.

And then, two years later, I realize I have been learning a whole other lesson.

I can pursue any avenue, or I can stay where I am. Or I can wait on God to choose the avenue and I can follow when called {but still, I believe that action is key, so follow avenues even if they end up seemingly nowhere! Those experiences are still crucial}

To be honest, I've always had a difficult time understanding the ability that some people
have to stay in one place for a long time. With all honesty, it requires a bravery that I either do not acquire fully or do not know how to use.

Somedays, I wish I could shut off the yearnings I have to just leave,
because in my heart--along with the dreams of white kitchens, and a little home, and children's voices, and a personal library, and waking up with my husband--is an even bigger dream to take the future characters of my life, and to do life as if absolutely unconventional and entirely out of faith.

One of my greatest fears over the past year or so, has been the fear of my relationship, my future degree, finances, fear itself, and--most definitely--the presence of comfort becoming barriers rather than lessons.

Boyfriend is my best friend. And because of that, I hope to see the world--in whatever capacity that may mean--with him.

And I'm coming to realize that without these past two years of being state side, I wouldn't have grown into the specific woman I am today, and I'm beginning to like her in bits each day.

So, this post is for the girls who read this blog and can identify with those pangs for a new place -- perhaps you just really want a good vacation, which I could definitely agree with you on. Or, perhaps, like me, you have the desire to live somewhere and to let that place become a part of you for a while.
Sometimes my longing to go gets interpreted as a desire for vacation...but it's nothing of the sort, it's deeper and it's scary at times, but it's exciting to dream of a specific place where you can grow into.

My advice is to no longer look at the pictures of other people's vacations, and to start dreaming of what you want your life to look like.

Or, like I did, invest in those close to you who are making life changing decisions to live somewhere else for a time. Listen to their stories, and keep yourself from envy or insecurity because what they're doing is their story -- learn from them.

And, most importantly, wait.

I hate waiting.
And God keeps me waiting always...that guy ;)

This is one desire of my heart that I know he designed in me.
When I travel, it's seriously the only time when I am absolutely laid back or flexible or joyfully willing to do something I normally wouldn't do. I love that version of myself because normally I'm timid.

But, as I look back on my two years home, I realize that God has stretched me here just the same.

And he can stretch and mold you, too.

Just keep waiting,
just keep asking,
just keep dreaming.

And, if it means that much, never let it go.
Let yourself be happy and content, but keep that fire in your heart burning.


happy wednesday.

xoxo


**Inspiration for this post found here

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