Friday, December 11, 2015

a friday

i knew i had tears in me when i spent two hours lying in bed, staring at the ceiling.

i had awoken around six, scared shitless that the conclusion of my senior capstone paper did not reiterate my thesis. so there i laid. and thought. and contemplated. and realized that university is slowly coming to a close.

all week i had commented on the cry i knew was in me.

just you wait. once everything is done and it comes time for leaving, i'm going to cry...

i still have tears in me. lots.

i'll save some for when i move to los angeles and the rest for april thirtieth.

i'm not necessarily crying because i am sad.

i'm crying because it's almost over.

deep down, i know i am ready for the next chapter of adulthood.

i just can't wrap my head around each of the potentials of what might happen next.

i need a job. and i hope for grad school. and i hope for some traveling, but to live in and around the bay area {if i can ever afford it--am i right?!}.

anyway, the first cry came when my mom called around ten-thirty.

all it took was me saying hi, mom,

for her to ask, are you okay?

i stayed silent.

i know you don't want to leave, but it will be okay. i am so proud of you.

you know that very human part of emotion? when your throat tightens
and your eyes well up, and if you even try to mumble a fragment of a word
the tears unleash down your face?

so i quickly hung up,

stood there, and let them fall -- just for a moment. 

i had packing to do.

then i drove to campus one last time for now.

checked my mailbox.

and slowly walked away.

i swear in that moment my feet felt like bricks and i searched for familiar faces
so that i could get one last good-bye in. yesterday was filled with those, but today i walked away alone.

as i merged onto the sixty-five, the tears began to fall again.

i kept one hand on the wheel and the other against my face as i leaned toward the window 
and focused my thoughts towards the road.

it's amazing how much a place can become like home if you give it a second chance.

adaptability is something i have mastered while in university,
even when this part of northern california has burned hot, caught fire,
or seemed to span for miles upon empty miles.

today wasn't a bad day.
it wasn't even the official close of a chapter --
graduation day will signify that.

but it was a step towards something other than what i have come to love.

i am grateful for the unconventional nature of my university experience.
i am enthralled by the passions i have acquired.
and i am blessed for the faces of individuals whose lives have stained mine in all of the right colors.

it's just the beginning --
this is what i keep telling myself.

there is always more. 

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