Thursday, December 10, 2015

goodbyes, again. 6:00-something am thoughts while "roses" by the chainsmokers plays on repeat

as i write, wind and rain are pushing themselves against my open window.

opening a window during this sort of weather brings instant recollection of the windows my roommate and i kept open throughout our whole freshmen year in oregon. even once the winter chill had settled in and the sky cried relentlessly, we would keep it open.

it's that ghostly hour, right now.
it seems as though it's the dead of night, but
you know that the sun is about to permeate the sky.
it's my favorite moment of the day.
i love when i'm the only one stirring in a home filled with people.
it's a quiet goodness, walking amongst everyone's sleepy vulnerability.
and engaging with the morning so early is a kept feeling like a secret.

it is my last full day in this place.

one paper (well, three, if you count the required reflection papers which are five pages in themselves!} and one presentation stand between me and saying goodbye. least i hope those are all i have left! ha

i have had quite a few anxiety attacks this week,
and every one has been about school.

think it's because i care so much.
i get it, a grade is just a number and school doesn't
last forever.

but, i care.
so much.

if i have learned anything while at university,
i'd have to say that these few things suffice in reasoning:

1. i have learned that i know nothing.
2. i have become more articulate {it's amazing how much four years can form a person's writerly voice}
3. i love film. with so many fibers of my being. who knew?!
4. i can live with just about anyone, though not for too long.
5. my parents are my best friends.
6. just because i want something in this life, doesn't mean god doesn't want it, too. those dreams are there for a reason.
7. c.s. lewis is as wonderful as i always knew he could be.
8. jane austen is not my favorite, though i will claim the ever underrated mansfield park as my favorite of her works.
9. asking for help is a sign of seeking wisdom, and not at all an indication of lack of depth, intelligence or strength.
10. know your worldview and stick to your values--doing so will make you stand firm in character.
11. ask jesus. seriously. my famous line in university has been i do relationship with god kicking and screaming -- and the same goes with college.
12. don't settle for less than. but do find a place to settle your heart, in whatever context that may mean.
13. say yes to chipotle. even if it's your fourth time that week. sometimes stress needs to be soothed, not repressed.
14. embrace the tears. they're good for you.
15. do something that scares you. i've found that when i'm scared, i'm usually doing something right. so naturally, each year of college i have moved, thereby terrifying myself over and over. it has been glorious -- and i mean this wholeheartedly and with so much gratitude.

my time at university has not been smooth.
i'm still learning that i do life pretty rough, impulsively, and unapologetically.
but, when you break my time in university down, the parts i have loved far
outweigh each strenuous obstacle, meltdown, uncomfortable transition, and bad cafeteria meal.

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