Monday, January 18, 2016

all of the words that seem to fail me on the phone:

i think that some people are so set in their ways that anything new,
anything of a great value, or anything that challenges, and has the ability to inflict pain --

well, any of those things become like a threat.
a beautiful little threat that seems out of control,
when, really, there is only promise involved.

i think that some men are so accustomed to yes (in any situation)
that a girl who can say no, and a girl who can speak her mind,
is too honest for such a man -- too frightening -- because 1. he feels
like he isn't winning the game in this round, and 2. lo and behold, there is no game at all.

i think that people plan life differently, so when someone allows another
person into his/her plans, there is plenty of room for disruption and discomfort.

and that is gloriously okay -- though some might beg to differ.

i think that some cannot hear past ears that are muffled by set plans,
expectations, and frustration over not being in control.

i think that some are not familiar with a woman who can say what it is
she needs, and demand a higher level of respect and sensitivity.

i think that some don't expect her to cry,
and that some do -- so when she doesn't, she feels cold and dismissive.

but she's not.

i think that some people are so used to his/her own voice that any other
voice is lovely, but seemingly intrusive.

to be told what it is that he or she is feeling
feels a lot like being naked.

to be told what it is that he or she is feeling,
or perhaps doing wrong, by a lover feels
a lot like being stripped.

when i sought to give words of comfort i wasn't attacking your character.

i was asking you to be open to situations that would feel difficult.

i was telling you that what you said would be okay.

i was telling you not to be afraid, because sometimes i feel like i do scare you,
like i more real than the last girl, and you don't know what to do about that.

i was telling you that your future fear of my own resentment doesn't have to take root if
you would only open up.

i was telling you that you can't be so set in your ways, because no woman will be able
to mold herself into precisely what you want.

i was telling you that insecurity doesn't have to be so ugly.

i wasn't pointing another finger, i was lending out a hand.

but you didn't take that hand because all you could hear were your
own words, the ones that you wanted to take back.

and even after i said that i forgave you for them, you still cast the blame on me
because perhaps you're used to saying whatever it is that you want to say
without actually hearing someone else's honesty.

and as i began to cry on the other end, that wasn't what you heard.
what you heard then was your own desire to just hang up the phone.

and that is a form of running.

and heaven forbid if i don't say something quick enough
you suddenly feel like i'm dismissing you,
when really i was lost in my thoughts and trying not to cry.

and then you said it was all impossible.

the whole thing was impossible.

and i had to work hard to tell myself that i am not impossible.
and neither are you.
but when a person cannot recognize the other person's
desire to set them free, well that feels impossible.

and then you said that you can never win with me,
and i made the mistake of saying neither can i.

but here's the thing --
when i picked up the phone,
i wasn't looking to emphasize on your insecurities,
and i certainly wasn't looking for a last word or a win.

i was looking to tell you to not have your mind made up,
to just let things go and fall into place,
to be okay with falling for the girl who will challenge and probably scare you.

you hurt me with your words,
and when i understandably pulled away,
you took offense.

not because i was actually pointing a finger of blame,
but because i showed you how much it hurt and you didn't want to deal with it.

i have a million flaws you are sure to learn about,
and i own my mistakes whenever i can,
but when you mess up i refuse to let it be on me,

even if you're insecure,
even if you mishear my words,
even if the feeling of losing me is all consuming.

the last thing you said was how impossible it all was,
and that stung, but it was sobering.

i'm all for impossibilities and discomfort.
i'll tell you when you're wrong,
and you can tell me when i am wrong and mean.

and i need someone who is willing to get in the dirt
with all of our flaws and impossibilities and discomforts.
someone who doesn't so quickly resort to deeming me and my emotions
as an impossibility.

i am not impossible,
and dealing with me isn't impossible.

and when i tell you that i have feelings for you,
it isn't because i want to win a game,
it's just because i want you --

even with all of your own impossibilities.

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