Wednesday, January 13, 2016

my life in fiction.

you held my face then, and the words i'm crazy about you slipped from in between your slips and down my spine.

i loved your eyes in that moment--such warmth, and a depth filled with connection that i have never had before.

there was a day, i know i lived it,
when you were one person to me,
and then suddenly you were more.

no one plans the tilt of the head that someone might do in the midst of a conversation.
how that tilt will translate as something so endearing to the person standing before,
and how such endearment will captivate the person,
and cause an inward spiral that is sickening and wonderfully riveting all in one.

a tornado of sorts.

that is what you have quietly caused in my life.

a tornado of sorts.

but before you flatter yourself, know this: i am no stupid woman.

i have loved before, and i may love again.

but a tornado of sorts still remains, and for now this is all i know.

you say you feel like you've known me for a long time, but i'll argue that you don't.

you see, i have a million and one things to offer.

and you have a million and one things to learn.


if you hold your arm out at full length and bring my hand with yours above my head, i will twirl around and around as many times as you let me.

if you listen closely, i sing in the shower. it's rare that people hear me, but when they do, they're guaranteed to hear renditions of bubbly or new york.

if i grow to be comfortable enough around you, i can finish just about any meal on my own, as if a grown man was eating for me.

if you see me past twelve a.m. and both of our bellies are empty, there will be blueberry and/or chocolate chip pancakes. there just will.

if you want another moment of dancing, don't take me out or don't corner me at a wedding--find me in the kitchen and i will let you slow dance with me for as long as you please.

if you want to make me feel most warm and most safe, place your hand behind my head and lean in to kiss my forehead. anyone can kiss on the lips--but not everyone knows how to make a woman feel valued and safe through a single kiss on the head.

if you want to see me angry, place me in rush hour, catch me in a moment of tripping on myself and stubbing my toe, or tell me that i'm really, really wrong. i'll get fired up for a moment or two, but i'll let the right person talk me down.

if you want me to be even more honest and unfiltered all it takes is some jameson and i will tell you any secret you want to know.

if you're ever afraid of the dark just know that i hang christmas lights in almost every place i call home.

if you want to know a firm belief of mine, here's one: i believe in having a piano in the house. any house.

if you want to know some of the keys to my heart, take me to a museum, pick up the phone, write the damn letter, drive down a windy road, sit next to me in the booth, open the jar when i am not strong enough, go before me in moments when i am afraid, and tell me that you'll pray for me.

if you want to know my dreams, ask.
none of them are secret.

if you want to know what makes me belly laugh until i cry, then you'll have to stick around and lose count of all the amusing things this life throws my way.

if you want to know where i go to cry, look in the shower, or pull away the covers.

if you want to know how to fill me with joy, give me the mountains, give me a crowded street, give me a gloomy day by the sea, give me chinese takeout, give me a darkened movie theater, give me green grass and a good book, give me your word, tell me your dreams.


i have a million and one things to give.

and there are a million and one things you don't know.


i don't even know if you realize how you tilted your head,
or how you looked back one last time and i caught you as you held the door and glanced my way.
i knew even then,
that you were a tornado of sorts,
that i was already caught.

but now, i don't know if you realize the million and one things before you,
when you seem to only see the one.

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