Sunday, February 28, 2016

Oscar Sunday

I've been getting in a routine of waking around six am, even on mornings
that I don't intern, so that I can write.

My screenwriting professor has pushed the idea of making my writing
time not only a habit but a permanent fixture of my daily routines.

I awoke shortly before six.
The fog was so thick that I could barely see the street lights outside my window.
There is a great big window in my living area and I scoot a chair up to it in the morning,
place my laptop on the windowsill, and write.

This is always my favorite part of the day -
me sharing my secrets of writing with the morning.

Currently I am developing the first several pages for act one of my screenplay.

This morning I had another one of the many quiet moments of feeling overwhelmed
with how blessed I feel.

I have so many years, so much work, and a lifetime of networking ahead of me
before I even scratch the surface of making it as a writer. No one is guaranteed certain successes,
in my opinion. So even after years, I may never attain higher levels of successes.

But I'm going to reach and reach for them.

This morning as I looked toward the fog covered hills of Hollywood and in the direction
of Sunset Blvd., I couldn't help but smile in the humble hope that some Sunday I might
find myself waking to Oscar morning with a nomination in mind.

It's one of those dreams, I know...
But I'm not ashamed of it.

I would love to take that stage someday.

Though to have my work read and understood by anyone
would even be enough.
Seeing it on a screen would put me at a loss,
and an award for any work would just...well, I'd cry. And cry. And laugh. And cry some more.

In all the best ways, of course.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

almost

i almost shouldn't say this but i'll go ahead anyway.
this is my space.
these are my words.

tonight i told someone "oh, i almost _____."
and he commended me for coming here and seeking myself.

coming to los angeles has been terrifying and exhilarating.
i'm finding bits of myself, bits of my hopes and dreams, amongst the
pieces of past expectations that i thought were hopes and dreams.

today, a writer told me to figure out what i don't like so that i know with
certainty what i love.

and, i think that's what walking away was for me.
i knew i loved you.
i know i love you.

but i need(ed) to see what i like(d) and didn't/don't like.
perhaps bullshit?
but my bullshit, nonetheless.

i'm owning it.

almost.

we were so close that we were almost.

but i had this writing thing to figure out.

and when the same woman told me that she had a good husband 
who supports her writing,

i knew in that moment that i could have had the same thing.

almost.

but not quite.

there was a street that smelled like you today,
someone with your laundry detergent must have passed me by.

and when i moved some papers around on the desk this morning there was a note
from you that said "love ya" that had been tucked in a game my roommates played
while i was away this weekend.

the same woman also told me that i can run and run from my writing 
but i might never get away.
maybe i might.
but probably not.

so it goes with love.
almost.
maybe we might.
maybe we won't.


she just told me to keep on writing.
to keep on discovering what this thing is that i love,
mostly by focusing my heart on it,
but also by trying what i don't like.

+++

"Almost. It's a big word for me. I feel it everywhere. Almost home. Almost happy. Almost changed. Almost, but not quite. Not yet. Soon, maybe. I'm hoping hard for that." 
- Joan Bauer


Sunday, February 14, 2016

LAX + you

it isn't that i forgot.
it's just that time has passed & things have changed.

so much change.

the only memory i thought i had of you and los angeles
is the one when i picked you up for the first time ever.
you were near ucla and i got off on the wilshire exit.

i knew little about you then.
i certainly didn't know what would pan out.
i definitely didn't know that we would end,
and how we would end.

in that moment, i knew i loved a stranger.
i was wide eyed on the los angeles freeway --
i vividly remember searching for wilshire.

it meant two things to me then:
1. you,
2. a popular street i had heard of before.

i remember when you climbed into my car.
my stomach was tied up in knots.
i could hardly focus on the road.
and i wasn't sure if i'd be much good at kissing you.

we spent the weekend falling in love.
we didn't say it like that.
but that's what it was.

so when i took you to l.a.x. that sunday
i knew i couldn't let you go home without letting you
know that the girl you were leaving behind in that moment
didn't want to be left behind in your day-to-day life.

you hugged me tight at the drop-off section and in your ear
i whispered that i loved you.

as i walked away, my legs felt like they were being untied
from the rest of my body.

walking away from you was the most unnatural sensation.
telling you that i loved you was like jumping from a cliff
and not thinking of where i might land.


that was nearly three years ago.
and i thought i only had one memory of you and los angeles.

but last night, as my father drove along the freeway and towards
our hotel i saw the infamous l.a.x letters.

and then it hit me.
i had two memories of you and l.a.

those letters stand right outside my hotel.
and you are somewhere back in a familiar place.

i'm not writing this because it's valentines day,
nor am i writing this because i'm second guessing the
choices i have made.

rather, i'm just recalling one of the most significant moments
of my life, whilst in the midst of one of the most significant
seasons in my life.

that girl who searched wide eyed for wilshire never
fathomed that she'd live blocks away from it and attend film school on it.

that girl who learned to kiss and love you well that weekend
didn't know she'd have to learn to love again.

that girl who felt her legs untie themselves from her body in l.a.x. didn't know
that when she finally did walk away it would feel like leaving her very being
lying on your bed where she laid as she said her final goodbyes to you.


my life keeps coming round in all kinds of full circles,
and this circle was smaller and quieter,
but i felt the slight pang last night and tonight as i stood there
staring at those letters, remembering the time when you were here and life was nothing like what it is now.



and though you are no longer mine,
i'm still more proud of you than i am of anyone.
and you're still the most brilliant, most kind person, and most deserving of happiness --
a happiness that i have been incapable of giving you since summer time.

just as you once said, i'll love who you are for a very long time.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Dear Los Angeles,

I like you a little bit more.
But don't get your hopes
up about it.

I can't make any promises,
and I didn't use the word "love".

-M

on another vogue note:


"L.A. is quite an ugly city compared to Paris--no? But what's really beautiful about it is the dream that this city carries alongside its history. L.A. is a complete myth, which is what makes it a great destination for artists."

L.A. is a complete myth...

As I read her description I had one of those ahhh, there's some truth moments.
Most of my days in L.A. are spent pinching myself in regards to the 
things I see and hear and even do.
The other half of me is busy picking my jaw up from the floor,
or shaking my head out of wonderment.

This place is a dream,
an icon,
a historical goldmine,
crazy,
dysfunctional,
fast,
crammed,
beautiful and ugly,
diverse,
complicated,


and a complete myth --

such a wonderful characteristic.

I hear the rumors,
and I catch glimpses of the potential realities,
but I have yet to meet the truth.

So, perhaps all that they tell me is a myth.
Perhaps we're all fooling ourselves.
But don't wake anyone up.

I told someone at my workplace that I don't know what on earth I'm doing here ever
and he said none of us know what we're doing but we do it anyway..

Or something like that.



Or something like that.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

in vogue today:


i always enjoy the outfit compilations that vogue conjures up in its online articles.
but this one is by far my favorite.

can i have EVERYTHING?! seriously, it's like the editor read my mind and pulled pieces from
my dream closet..

Monday, February 8, 2016

life lately:

i have this idea in my mind that my life right now is
a lot like a long hallway with many doors.

i don't know what is behind each door,
but i am eager about each and every one.

i'm not going to let myself be intimidated
by the doors, their grand exteriors, and the ambiguity
of their interiors.

instead, i'm going to knock.
on every damn door.

i'm going to knock with willingness,
anticipation,
joy,
wonderment,
desire,
courage,
curiosity,
gratitude,
and determination.

i'm going to knock on each door,
and i'm going to chase whatever lies ahead.

i'm coming to a place of truly knowing that
now is not the time in my life to hold back who
i am and who i want to become.

i have many fears,
but i will not succumb to my fear of nothingness
by letting my fear of the now overwhelm me.


i'm very (though quietly) thrilled about life right now
and the mystery of where this current path might take me.

Friday, February 5, 2016

a pretty post...

...that another blogger wrote + posted here.
the images are so so stunning. 
i just wanted to share.

thank god it's friday.
i'm ready to crawl into bed with a film & for a good sleep.
then, tomorrow i'm helping friends on set again -- which should be very fun.

happy weekend, people. 
i'm hoping for time with friends,
sleep,
a donut,
some films,
and maybe a small adventure. 

Thursday, February 4, 2016

god's time + my beautiful february 4th epiphany

last night i had a moment of actually having my breath taken away.
i was sitting before david oyelowo, absolutely baffled by my life's twists and turns
(yet again).

i vividly remember watching him sob at the oscars this month last year.
never in my life did i think that i'd sit in the same room as him and have him
give me life advice exactly one year later, if ever.

he told my class that if you say yes to god, the plans won't make sense
but the adventure will be unlike any plan man could ever construe.

and in that moment i was feeling the truth in that.

film school wasn't my plan --
but this exact month last year i sat in a class
and told myself i want to go to film school, why not? and then weeks later,
while sitting on the couch watching the oscars with my mother said, mom, i want to tell stories.
i want to do that. i'm applying to film school. i want to go to film school.

an internship at oddlot wasn't my plan.
but when i was eighteen i watched rabbit hole and found it
to be so beautiful and absolutely relevant to my life at the time.
now, here i am, working under the individuals who made that film possible.

i was adamant that i would never move to southern california.
and after i did the first time,  i said i'd never move back and i'd never live in los angeles.
but here i am. i can see the hollywood sign, downtown l.a., and sunset blvd from my room.

i started out university as a biblical studies major because i
didn't believe that god could do anything with someone who wrote.
but by the end of the year i felt a pull to pursue writing and english,
and my life has never been the same. a major in english is what led me to film.

when giving my testimony in romania, i unknowingly emphasized the words but god,
and after my talk, the leader of my group pulled me aside and explained the importance
of the pairing of these words -- and i have never forgot that moment.

my life is a series of but gods.

each day i am being humbled further and further for the
surprises and ironies that await me.

and i don't say any of this to brag.
my life is far from perfect.
los angeles is a lonely, flawed place.

studying english did not come without endless papers and lots of tears and doubts.

my internship is stretching me in ways that terrify me.

and the blank page in the life of a writer is a monster all its own.

but god is still so good -- and this is what i choose to focus on right now.

david spoke of the importance of excellence,
of saying yes to god,
of pursuing god given talents to their absolute fullest.

he said that he lives his life striving to be the best actor who has ever lived,
not because he wants the fame, but because he believes that acting is what
god made him to do and to pursue it any less than trying to be the greatest would be
to deprive god of the full extent of the gift.

since i was a child i've dreamt of being one of the greatest story tellers of my time.
there are probably a million other people who think/believe the same thing.
and, don't get me wrong, some ego and foolishness are required by default with a statement/dream like this.

but i want to be the greatest -- not for a paycheck or for pride's sake, but because writing is the
thing in life that i am most hungry for and in love with.
and to allow fear to keep me from pursuing this gift
to its maximum would be to doubt the but gods in my life.

i may never be the greatest of my time, but god can still do so much (on a small or large scale)
if i write for his sake and in pursuit of his will.

so that is what i'm off to do -- these past few days have opened the door to this
dream being something i can finally fully embrace.



p.s.

remember how i said that one year ago this month i decided to apply to film school?
well, before posting this i got curious: what was the exact date of that decision?
so, i looked up what i had posted on another blog the day that i made this decision.
finding the date wasn't immediately obvious but then i came across the exact date and
time of the post: February 4th, 2015.

then i realized that that's today -- so me and this realization in hollywood and with storytelling
came full circle one year.

i have all the chills. and all of the quiet affirmation that what is around and before me--though
it makes not an ounce of sense--is something right.

Monday, February 1, 2016

seven henrietta street + yellow + regina spektor on a windy monday evening

i needed something cheery to look at since today was so so so long and so very monday.
i posted this little film on my blog (literally) years ago.

but some of you weren't reading my blog four years ago
(if not, look at my archives...they're ridiculous and dramatic and very very honest. they make me laugh at myself).

anyway, here's this and then a song that came on another little film i was watching today.

one of the first times i fell in love,
the boy and i sat in the car blasting regina's song us from the 500 days of summer soundtrack.
our relationship was over,
but we loved each other recklessly like young lovers do,
and we had ran into one another at a bookstore,
and i wasn't allowed to be with him,
but i bought the album with the song
and we sat in the car in the middle of a storm and just laughed and listened.

it was a good moment amongst a lot of bad.

those good moments are so much better in retrospect, i think.
today wasn't bad, it wasn't good. but these two sunny tunes and this pretty clip 
make my evening a little bright.

that and i really want to walk and get a donut...
...but we shall see if i give in to that little piece of sunshine food goodness ;)




i hope that someday they'll name a city after me and someone special.
then they can blame us all they want,
but i'll have my love and my city,
and that's all my heart really desires.

those things and words.
so many words.

p.s.

ALL THE YELLOW IN THE KATE SPADE VIDEO.
can i live in a world like that?
where someone writes about me for once?

yes, please.



ALSO,
speaking of old posts:

this one -- i forgot that i ever even felt that way about writing when i was new to university

a post about julia -- love

a post about finding yourself beautiful

the tattoo i used to want

when i stereotyped men HAH 

so much honesty here -- one of my favorite posts i've ever written bc who the heck was i with all of that silliness?

on boys

on grief

some of the beginning of what is now becoming my last undergrad assignment & my first feature length film script (gah!)